The Dukes of Hazzard: The Beginning Page #7

What is that?

Sh*t-shine ball.

Sh*t!

I'm backing, I'm backing, I'm backing!

Keep your eyes on the road!

Eyes? Who needs eyes?

Whoa! "Vote for Boss?"

Lean to the left! Lean to the left!

Drive somewhere!

That was fast!

Go!

They're getting...

Rosco!

St. Peter, I'm here.

Rosco! What are you doing?

They'll be drinking margaritas in Mexico

by the time you finish with your nap!

Flash had a little puppy meatloaf, Boss.

That's the sickest thing I've seen today.

Get this thing cleaned up!

God! Good Lord!

So, this is awkward.

This day never happened, all right?

If someone ask us

what happened on this day,

we'll say,

"That's the day we went bowling!"

And not the day that Lulu Hogg rode you

like a Minotaur?

Exactly.

Not that day.

Got your ears on, Lost Sheep?

Got our ears on and eyes peeled.

Listen, fellas,

something strange is going on here.

I saw boxes being delivered

by armed deputies.

Sort of odd in a place

where lemon sorbet is on the menu.

Hang on, Daisy, we'll be there later.

First, we gotta dress up for the occasion.

Rosco.

You still stink.

You stink so bad,

your kids' kids are gonna stink,

if anyone'll procreate with you,

which I doubt.

Now, come on, Boss,

I did my very, very best.

Rosco, if I want advice

on letting criminals escape,

I'll call you.

Calm down.

Them Dukes. They assaulted my boar,

they violated the sanctity of my home,

and they molested

my tender flower of a wife.

Oh, yeah, Boss, I can picture it now.

Their greasy little fingers

running all over her hot buttocks

like a chubby kid looking for chicken wings

in the bottom of a basket.

Rosco!

You dummy, I don't wanna

imagine the circumstance.

I want them in jail!

Can you do that? Can you just...

I got enough worries

with my ice cream parlor investors.

Just add more deputies.

Do whatever it takes. I can't rest

until their gonads are scattered

to the four corners of Hazzard.

Hazzard's a place

where dreams do come true.

Bo and Luke got famous.

Just the wrong way.

Enos finally got deputized.

A hall monitor with a gun. Lord save us.

With their faces plastered all over town,

the boys figured they needed a makeover.

Why the hell do I have to wear the skirt?

Because you have nicer legs.

Thank you.

No way to sugarcoat it,

they make damn fine-looking women.

Get over and talk to them right now,

you hear me, boy?

All right.

Excuse me.

You ladies don't look

like you're from around here.

- Can I help?

- Yes...

I'm Detective Amanda Smith

and this is my partner, Anita Davington.

We're with the Federal Bureau

of Frozen Delights,

and we are conducting an investigation.

Federal agents?

I'm Deputy Enos Strate.

You know, you ought to talk to Daisy.

She's real nice.

Here she comes now.

If you need any further assistance,

just give me a holler.

Here's the key to Boss Hogg's office.

Now, hold on there one minute, little lady.

Failure to dance with the sheriff

is a crime here in Hazzard County,

punishable by 10 years

in a maximum-security prison.

Now, my ex, she chucked

this old poon hound to the curb

like a perp charged on indecent exposure,

failure to communicate,

and wagon wheels on a wing nut.

She thinks upholding the law

is the only thing I care about.

But I do have my other passions.

Don't get fresh, Sheriff.

Oh, my.

You have a grip like an anaconda.

I bet you could swallow me whole, too.

Come on, let's go.

The boys' wigs got them in.

But it was time to leave

the distracting work to a professional.

You ain't never gonna look at a sundae

the same way again.

Oh, baby.

Oh, my.

Yeah, that's cold, all right.

Cool me down.

Sweet.

Rosco shouldn't treat a lady like that.

- Now you're a lady?

- No, but I should be treated like one.

Oh, man, these hose are killing me.

Man, that's hot.

Hey, look, look at that.

Well, how's it coming with the investors?

It's just a matter of time

before the other commissioners

turn the whole state dry.

No one resists the Hogg, John,

including Daisy Duke.

It was a lot more fun

finding out about their still

from that hot piece of tail

than those hillbillies, Bo and Luke.

In less than 24 hours,

we are foreclosing on that Duke farm

and take that still.

Then you'll add your premium shine.

You know, before you go

on your rounds in the morning,

stop by the Boar's Nest.

I got a present for my favorite nephew.

Hughie's a Hogg.

- Daisy.

- Oh, Daisy.

Daisy, wait!

- I can't believe what a jerk he is!

- Daisy, wait!

I know you wanna wrap your thighs

around his chest

and squeeze the air out of him,

so do I.

But we cannot let him know

we're on to him.

We gotta follow Hughie

and see where he takes us, okay?

- I'll kill him with my bare hands!

- No, Daisy!

You'll get your chance with Hughie.

Right now,

we gotta think about Uncle Jesse.

Sorry, Daisy.

They have messed with me

at the wrong time of the month.

Here's what we know so far.

Hughie's a no-good, two-faced Hogg

and Boss is still in the shine business.

With everybody locked up

and the state going dry,

there'll be one place in town

to get good and hammered,

the Boar's Nest ice cream parlor.

Hogg will make a killing, but Bo and Luke

are hoping handsome Hughie

will lead them right to Boss's shine stash

so they can stop him.

Do you follow?

I never said this was going to be easy.

We'll lose him if he gets too far ahead!

I can't get too close.

Driving's second nature to me, Luke.

Orange car. Smart pick, boys, smart pick.

- What the hell?

- I can't see anything.

Hughie is burning some dust.

I can feel the road. Snake coming.

You can feel the road?

Oh! Damn it, Bo, be careful!

I got it! I got it!

- Oh, sh*t!

- Sh*t!

Oh, man!

Beautiful driving.

You know, you come a long way.

Your instincts are worthless.

- I thought I had him.

- Oh, you lost him.

You lost our best chance of nailing Boss

and getting Uncle Jesse out.

Plan all you want, but somebody's gotta

actually drive and do something.

So you're the smart one, congrats.

What'd that get us, huh?

You know I should have left you

at the farm that first night.

Now I'm stuck here with an idiot.

I'm gone.

That's what you're good at.

Leaving people behind.

Go! No one's gonna miss you.

Now maybe I can finally get laid.

You know something ain't right

when Bo kicks

the thing he loves most in the world.

In fact, I'd say there ain't a whole lot

that is right in Hazzard at the moment.

Poor Uncle Jesse,

just sitting in the clink

wishing he was on the farm he loves.

Poor hot, juicy Daisy.

First, Hughie foreclosed on her heart,

then Rosco foreclosed on the farm.

And so, things didn't turn out

exactly like we hoped for the Dukes.

Ain't that the way life is sometimes?

Thanks! Thanks a lot!

Oh, I got it. I got it, Bo!

I can't follow you, Luke.

I can't cross that line.

I love Hazzard.

I love my hair in the Hazzard sun.

I love Daisy and Uncle Jesse.

I love the smell of pig sh*t in the morning.

I love the feel of the General Lee's hood

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