The Dukes of Hazzard: The Beginning Page #6

There's those cute boys again.

Of course, what about being spontaneous?

Just go up, startle them, terrify them,

say the first thing that comes to our head.

I can't do that.

If I can ask questions

and pretend to listen,

then you can go up to Ali Handy

like a commando with a death wish

on his last mission.

- Yeah.

- Go.

Ali Handy?

Me and you is like nitroglycerin

and diatomaceous earth.

Pure dynamite when combined.

- You care to join me for a bull ride?

- No.

I'll watch.

I bet you're pure sex on a bull.

Oh, to be young again.

I'd like to ask you a few questions.

Ask away, then.

What is all this about alternative energy?

And how do you keep your ass so firm?

Want to get comatosed?

So that's what firewater tastes like.

Good stuff.

That was amazing.

We'll have to try that wet sometime.

- You'll have to put a ring on my finger.

- That is incredibly hot.

Let's get drunk.

- I ain't never got drunk before.

- It's a night of firsts, huh?

I heard your uncle makes

the best moonshine in the state.

- Where did you hear that?

- It's a small town.

Hey, Daisy, you can trust me.

I'm not like other guys.

You can't tell a soul.

Promise?

Promise.

Something here stinks, and it ain't me.

I'm blind.

The damn shine makes you blind.

They've never been drunk before, huh?

Like all boys,

they've never been a lot of things.

Sophisticated, graceful or...

You'll wake the stars.

They're real pretty stars.

Makes me wanna cry.

Hey, let's do another shot.

I swear the boys in this town...

- Cops.

- Cops.

Hold it right there, now!

We got a moonshine party, Boss.

All right, everybody!

Hold it! Freeze! Freeze!

Look at them all running.

Wilma...

Shouldn't you be home with the kids?

My, my, my.

All right, y'all want the good news

or the bad news first?

Well, the good news is

this heat spell's supposed to lighten up.

The bad news is

you're all going to jail tonight.

- Boss?

- Yeah?

I don't think them Duke boys is here, Boss.

You ain't ruining my special night, Rosco.

Now we'll get them, sooner or later.

But for now, this prom queen

is going to enjoy his special moment.

Excuse me.

'Cause the reason is sitting right here.

What in the world's happened to you, J.D.?

Oh, no, call me "Boss."

Where are the girls?

Damn it. I still have my underwear on.

Man, Shine Mart was awesome last night.

I don't remember anything about it.

Uncle Jesse is going to be pissed.

- Oh, my God!

- I wonder what happened.

We better go find Uncle Jesse.

Look awful nice, girl.

All right, knock it off back there, boys.

I don't know what all the fuss is about.

Well, you're missing 99% of your pants.

And the other 1% is covering

your magic part.

Well, I like the way they make me feel.

Hughie likes them.

Of course he does.

- Uncle Jesse.

- Easy there, Twiggy.

Now, you will keep your hands off

the zoo critters. Hmm?

Now you got five minutes to do

what youse gots to do.

We're sorry, Uncle Jesse.

We never should have

left you there at Shine Mart.

Then you'd be in jail with me now.

I'm sorry I got y'all into this.

- I was a big fool to do that.

- So how y'all holding up?

Well, these old guys

ain't got no business in here.

They got farms and families at home.

Well, worry no more.

We have got

a foolproof plan to bust you out.

All right, so I'm going to rig this jail

with 500 pounds of military-grade C-4,

blast a hole big enough

for the General to drive through...

Yeah, yeah, I got you. But why don't you

just catch a bus and go back home?

You need to lean on us

like we lean on you.

Never abandon a fellow runner.

I'll tell you what we might do.

J.D. has got a lot of important papers

over at his house.

And I know he's up to something.

That would be a good place to start.

'Cause once a shiner, always a shiner.

All right. We'll go up there right now.

Be careful. Don't run in there too quick.

- Be smart.

- Be strong.

Now why would an old moonshiner

like J.D. Hogg lock up Uncle Jesse?

That's what the boys are here to find out.

But first they got to distract Lulu.

And that's up to Luke,

and he ain't exactly thrilled.

See, Lulu is only distracted by two things.

Barbecue and hot, succulent boys.

Stop worrying and roll with it.

Trust your instincts.

I don't have instincts. I have plans.

At least I used to, until now.

All we got to do

is stall Lulu for 10 minutes,

then we're gone.

I mean, what could happen

in 10 minutes, right?

- Hi, boys.

- Howdy, Lulu.

- You are looking fine today.

- Thank you.

Can I be your

- special helper?

- Oh, yes. Come. Come on.

It was sweet of Bo

to give us some alone time.

Oh, yeah, he's... He's real generous.

You know, you and Boss look real happy.

Our wedding photo. J.D. neglects me.

He can't help it, though.

That's why we never had any kids.

What... You're telling me

the most powerful man in Hazzard is...

Yup.

His testicles shut down the sperm bank

and sent all the workers to China.

Now, mind if I slip into something more...

Comfortable?

I was gonna say boner-inducing, but

comfortable is a polite way of putting it.

While Luke's learning the fine art of

seducing the mentally deranged upstairs,

Bo's searching for evidence downstairs.

This is for Uncle Jesse.

I can do this, man. This is for Uncle Jesse.

Yeah, for Uncle Jesse.

Come to mamacita. Come on.

Yeah?

Luke, is this your first time?

First time?

Oh, I've slept with a thousand women.

- Oh, yeah?

- Of all kinds, too.

Sometimes I feel like I work for the UN.

And I've done every position.

I've even invented a few myself.

Boss, you fiend.

First time? That's funny.

Well, honey, you're more fidgety

than a queer rooster

in an undersexed henhouse, huh?

Look, if you wanna take a breather

and go downstairs,

we can go get Bo.

No, no! I want you now.

Oh, oh, Luke.

Looks like J.D.'s serious

about replacing beers with milkshakes.

Then again,

things ain't always what they seem.

That's the golden rule in Hazzard.

You shut the door one more time,

I'll marinate you, grill you

and eat your ass for supper. Goodbye!

Luke.

Luke!

You are going to die!

Luke, come in!

Lulu, my steamed dumpling!

Big Daddy Trouble's home!

Damn! What's going on?

Oh, you Duke boys are in trouble now!

Pull out!

Pull out!

Big Daddy Trouble's coming, Lulu!

- Oh, Big Daddy Trouble, save me, save me!

- Now, Big Daddy Trouble,

I was just paying Miss Hogg here

a friendly visit.

Oh, you're gonna pay a friendly visit

to the emergency room.

Oh, my...

Come on, Luke!

Come back and see me again!

Rosco, I'm being invaded by Dukes!

You messing with me, boys, huh?

Take that for coming after with my wife!

Luke!

I'm coming, Boss.

Good, Rosco, quick!

Get after them, them Duke boys.

You won't believe what happened!

Put the dog down,

take my car, go after them!

- You were gonna leave me again!

- You forgot to fill the tank again.

- I'm coming for you boys!

- Oh, man!

Move over!

Oh, I'm ready now.

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