The Dukes of Hazzard: The Beginning Page #5

Doesn't Daisy look mighty discouraged?

But some lessons

you got to learn by yourself.

You leave a spark alone

you might just find yourself

in the middle of a raging inferno.

So while one Duke is on a quest

to find her inner hotness,

the other Dukes are about to get

all hot and bothered

by a first-class culinary experience

care of Mrs. Lulu Hogg.

So, you boys ever roasted a turkey before?

- No, Miss Hogg.

- Oh, please, call me Lulu.

It's Arabic for pearl.

You know where to find a pearl?

Open a clam, spread the fleshy pink meat

with your fingers,

and find something beautiful.

You know it's summer,

'cause this woman's in heat

and insane.

You keep this up,

you're gonna get my boys hurt.

Your boys are riding shine,

not a-riding ponies.

Getting hurt's part of the territory.

Now we pat her dry, boys.

Not that she don't enjoy being wet,

but she likes to have her bottom patted.

There. Come on, Luke.

Yeah, go on, Luke. Don't be shy.

You love to cook.

That's Hazzard Mountain over there.

You remember we flipped that car

seven times.

Shook our brains up a little bit,

we still got up and delivered that load

on time, on foot. Remember that?

- Ancient history.

- Well, I don't forget things like that.

You done broke the pact

that we used to live by.

You don't hurt a fellow moonshiner.

You broke the pact when you ended

our business arrangement.

Now that you aren't a friend of J.D. Hogg,

you're finding Hazzard to be lonelier

than a chubby kid at space camp.

Now, you wanna stuff her body cavity.

Come on.

Stuff it good. Good.

You try to get deep inside there.

Come on, now. Get on up in there.

- Get it in there, Luke. Come on.

- Come on now.

- Go on in there.

- Come on, Luke. Don't be shy.

- Okay.

- Stick it in there. Come on.

Come on, Luke.

Look, Jesse loses control. Can he recover?

You're gonna let this personal feud

between you and I get out of hand.

You got a dry county,

and you're arresting moonshiners.

These are nice guys.

Your moonshining days are over.

It's time for a new career.

How about farming?

Oh, hell, that's right.

You've only got the farm a few more days.

Jesse crashes and burns.

Our condolences to his family.

But the unbeatable, undeniable J.D. Hogg

takes his victory lap,

collects a million dollars

and shags a movie star.

Yeah, you're in a pickle, Jesse.

It's amazing.

You are single and down for anything.

Any girl would love to snatch you up.

He's right.

Now for the most important part.

We baste her with hot juices.

She loves getting basted.

There you go.

Oh, God.

Sis, where is Flashy

and his little squeaky toy?

You know,

the one that looks like a bandido?

You fellas wait right here

while I go get my gun.

Dear brother, you are in my home 'cause

your wife tossed you out on your ear.

Now, if you don't want to sleep

at the jail, leave these boys alone.

These hoodlums are trespassing.

As far as I'm concerned, they are innocent

until someone else

is proven more adorable.

Well, I'm gonna nail

you Dukes hard from behind

when you least expect it.

Kinky.

All right, boys, come on,

let's get out of here.

Y'all let me know

if you need any job applications.

I do own a few businesses in town.

You come back any time, Luke.

You'll be my special helper.

Oh, he'll be back.

- When do we bust them, Boss?

- Don't you worry, Rosco.

If I know Jesse,

he ain't done cooking shine

until they plant his corpse

with the spring crops.

I want to show you boys

something that I'm real proud of.

We'll take your word for it.

I've been working long and hard

to make this one come out right.

Okay, that's disgusting.

This is where we hide the Duke still.

Welcome to the place

where dreams are made.

And illegally bottled and sold at a profit.

Luke, I have a feeling

that we are about to see

how the VIPs are treated at this farm.

This old still has been in our family

for over 100 years, boys.

It makes the best shine in the county.

Back during Prohibition,

Great Grandpa Duke

called together a meeting

of all the shiners.

It was his idea to sell a lot at one time

and make enough money

to get through the winter.

- Genius. A flea market for moonshiners.

- Yeah, kind of like a Shine Mart.

Well, this is our last shot, boys. So

we got to make a lot in the next 24 hours.

Let's not waste any time.

Let's go get Daisy.

Wait.

Leave Daisy alone. She's got her heart set

on that job at the Nest,

and I ain't seen her this passionate

since she played the Virgin Mary

at the Christmas pageant.

Ain't nothing exciting

ever gonna happen around here again.

Sh*t!

I want a job here.

Done.

I want you take me out tomorrow night.

Done.

Hey, what's your cellphone number

so I can call you.

Cellphone? Oh, you can reach me by CB.

My handle is Bo Peep.

Y'all have a pleasant evening.

You can put your eyeballs

back in your head.

Shine Mart, where the community comes

for bull rides, booze and breasts.

That's what I call real family values.

Attention, folks.

If you drank Ugly Andy's shine,

you might want to report to the medic's

tent 'cause you got two minutes to live.

But tonight's not all about fun.

This is the Dukes' last shot

at saving the farm.

Nice bouquet. Slightly fruity.

Burns your balls off. Makes you blind.

I'll take six cases.

Hey, it's Uncle Jesse!

Yeah, Uncle Jesse!

- Cooter!

- Hey, Candy Corn

and Licorice Stick. Nicknames.

Use them or lose them. Your choice.

Oh, hang on.

She's going to pick a dance partner.

Pick me! Cooter can dance!

Right here! Got my hand up!

Come on, right here!

I'll make you red hot! I'll get you going!

Come on! Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!

- Have you seen enough?

- I think so.

Come on.

Folks, there's a pickup truck,

license plate, Shiner Sixty-Niner.

Your lights are on.

Red hot!

You got somebody you want to call?

Well, if you weren't right here, I'd call you.

But since you're right here...

You wanna go inside?

All I want is one taste

of that sweet, fiery nectar.

- I know!

- Come here. I wanna tell y'all something.

First Shine Mart we had over here,

Feds come in to bust us,

but they couldn't find no evidence.

Me and Grandpa Duke drank it all up.

I was blind for four days.

I couldn't see a goddamn thing.

I didn't have no hands,

I didn't have no legs.

Just kind of floated around for a while.

Said they found me the next morning,

I was bumping a six-row cultivator

all night long.

So why can't we drink shine?

Your folks don't want y'all drinking shine.

You can't handle it.

A couple of little cuties there that might

want to go for a roll in the hay.

You got my permission

to do that if you want to.

And Duke 'em one time for Uncle Jesse.

- You got it, Uncle Jesse.

- Thanks, Uncle Jesse.

I'm waiting.

- How long?

- Till marriage.

We have to keep our clothes on.

You mean dry-humping?

In layman's terms...

We need a blueprint, a strategy

to get inside these girls' hearts

and their pants.

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