The Dukes of Hazzard: The Beginning Page #4

It's more than just speed out here.

You got to be smart.

Been going over this map of Hazzard.

- I think I got our routes figured out.

- Well, that's good.

But you got to improvise.

Unforeseen circumstances come up

quicker than a stiffy on prom night.

Best advice I ever had was

from an old moonshiner buddy of mine,

- old "Three Nipples" Ned.

- The man had three nipples?

No, he really had four,

but we didn't want to call attention to it.

So he told us on his death bed,

he said these three words.

- He said, "Don't get caught."

- Cops got him?

No, actually it was Emmy Lou Hassett.

It was that tertiary syphilis.

That's another thing

you want to remember, now.

If you don't want your pecker

to feel like a flame-thrower,

you better wear a rubber.

Uncle Jesse, don't you think

we should sample the product

- for our customers' sake?

- Yeah, Bo's right.

I mean, people might have questions.

I don't think y'all's folks want y'all

out here drinking and driving shine.

Time to baptize the General. Come on.

For a week those boys tore

up and down the county,

making stops for every teacher,

preacher and milkmaid in sight.

Bo and Luke became the fastest

shine runners in Hazzard history.

Holy water.

Thank you.

So things were tasting sweeter

than applejack in a honeydew melon

for the Duke boys.

But remember,

Daisy wanted to help out, too,

and she'd be damned

if she wasn't gonna make a contribution.

Well, a new face in Hazzard.

Now, I'll tell you city folk

ain't really my type,

but this was a flavor

Daisy had never tasted.

Excuse me.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I just want to see about a waitressing job.

Look, don't worry.

A little water will take that right out.

Look.

I'm not trying to be rude,

but you just don't have the right look

for the Nest.

These girls are tough, confident.

Oh, right.

Hey.

Her interviewing skills

leave something to be desired.

Thank you.

But she accomplished one thing.

Daisy done gone and got herself smitten.

Daisy?

I just acted like a fool in front of the most

gorgeous, handsome man

ever to come to Hazzard.

But I just got here.

Ladies, hello.

- Ladies.

- Hi.

Brooke! Ali!

Ladies! How you doing?

- Cooter.

- Yeah?

- Let's make a toast.

- Yes, yes, let's make a toast.

To waking up in Chickasaw

in the strong protective arms

of a female correctional officer.

What a night!

We're gonna go.

Yeah, we're teaching erotic dance

at the senior center.

And we're late. Sorry.

- Don't go!

- Don't go!

- Thanks a lot, Cooter.

- Was it the toast?

Sorry.

You guys came in

in that '69 Charger, right?

The General Lee.

Hi, I'm Hughie, the new manager.

Yeah.

I thought you'd like some Hogg d'oeuvres

on the house. Well, come on.

Those Boss Hoggs in a blanket

are absolutely magic.

Yes, they are.

So I got to say, you guys have

one killer orange car out there.

Yeah, two things I can't live without.

My car

and my cellphone.

Except I can't get any reception

around here.

- How do you guys survive?

- We use a CB.

A CB.

Well, I have to get back to work,

but you know we should hang out

if you guys know

anything to do around here.

- Oh, yeah, we know lots to do.

- Yeah, all right. Excellent.

Well, I'll see you guys around.

Sorry, guys. Boss told me

to turn up the TV every time he's on.

Folks, Hazzard's sick. What's the cause?

Greedy shiners like these two

selling their liquid fire

to the unsuspecting.

Come on.

Now let this be a warning

to all you moonshiners out there.

My deputies will find you,

they'll smoke you out of your holes,

and they'll send you back to hell.

I ain't done yet!

Earlier today I declared Hazzard

a dry county, and anyone

who uncovers a moonshine operation

will collect a handsome $25,000 reward.

Okay.

Now to show my level of commitment,

I'm turning my own Boar's Nest

into an ice cream parlor.

Yummy, huh?

That's good eating, right there.

Let this be known, that together

we can all live high on the Hogg.

How do you like my Hoggettes?

Thank you.

I can't believe

that Boss declared war on us.

- You worried?

- Please.

The General Lee comes equipped

with a gas pedal and my foot.

We got the fastest car in 37 counties.

- Well, well, well.

- Afternoon, Rosco.

We just saw you on TV.

You know, you make a convincing sheriff.

You really do. Hey, Flash.

Don't you touch Flash, you deviant. Hey!

You know I got

a couple of shine-swilling weasels

in the back of my squad car,

and they're starting to smell like ass.

Where is that shine-selling uncle of yours?

You know, you're much better-looking

in person?

Delicate. TV hides

how pretty you really are.

Now, I didn't come over here

to have you tell me how pretty I am.

I know how pretty I am.

Now you open up the General Lee

and let me see that contraband.

Come on, move.

That's why they call me the rattlesnake,

boy.

- 'Cause when I sense trouble, I strike.

- ...contraband, Rosco.

Figures old Rosco'd leave the keys

right on the seat.

Go, go, go.

He's dumb as a screen door

on a submarine.

That's a real fancy car you got here,

Rosco.

Almost make you seem like a real sheriff.

Well, thank you for... Wait a minute.

I am the real sheriff here.

I won 46.7% of the vote.

- Who did you run against?

- Well, I ran unopposed,

'cause no one was man enough

to run against me.

Now you get this rig popped open

real quick-like,

like a little tiny Chinese toy box... Hey!

They gave you a real gun, Rosco.

That is awesome. That is great.

Hey, don't you touch that.

That's standard issue.

Don't touch my puppy. Don't touch her.

- Hey, my bullets! What...

- Oh, now look what I've done.

- Hey, there.

- Here you go.

Don't rub it on your leg like that.

We got chores to do, Rosco.

It ain't easy being a simple farmer.

No, no, this is an unacceptable...

Give me that moonshine.

Yeah, I got to get that door fixed, Rosco.

Sorry about that.

- See you next time.

- I know there's shine in here.

- Hey!

- Oh, wait, Rosco.

Maybe next time you can chase us

like a real cop.

You let them go, little Flash honey.

Don't you burn rubber on me!

I know where you live!

Hey! Hey, now...

Hey, this is Rosco.

We got some shiners on the run.

Looks like y'all were right, boys.

They're locking up people.

J.D. had Rosco run off all our customers.

Ain't right, them scaring people.

Well, this is getting way too dangerous.

- That could be y'all in jail, or even worse.

- Don't say it, Uncle Jesse.

I'm not about to send y'all home

to your folks in wooden boxes,

and this farm ain't worth saving

if we got to lose you boys.

- There's got to be something we can do.

- Maybe there is.

I got a couple of suits at home

that might fit y'all.

What do you say we pay old J.D. a visit?

It might be time to call a truce.

Oh, my gosh. You boys look like

you just fell off a wedding cake.

Thanks, Daisy. What're you doing?

Hughie ain't rejecting me again.

Hot enough for you, Hughie?

What's the point? I should be a nun.

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