The Emperor Waltz Page #8

I'll talk or play him a song

or stand on my hands.

If he doesn't like me,

maybe he'll like my associate.

He said 3:
00.

He's got a little cold,

but I hope he's in a good mood.

[Knocking At Door]

[Coughing]

[Knocking Continues]

[Coughing]

[Weakly]

Come in.

[Coughing]

Step inside and bow from the

waist and don't straighten up

'til he gives you the signal.

[Coughing Continues]

I got it. Come on, Buttons.

Keep your paws crossed.

I love you.

You took the words

right out of my mouth.

[Coughing Continues]

[Coughing]

[Coughing Continues]

Oooh.

Who ever told me to try

these nasty fumes?

Thank you.

You're quite welcome,

I'm sure.

And my whiskers.

[Sniffs]

Just as I thought.

Now, they smell.

You could

always shave them, Your Majesty.

What was that?

Come here.

I think you'd look

much nicer without all that...

whipped cream.

An excellent idea.

They've bored me

for the last 40 years.

Thank you, Your Honor...

I mean, Your Majesty.

Only it cannot be done.

Why not, Your Majesty?

Young man, if I were

to shave off these whiskers,

Austria would be thrown

into a state of turmoil.

Think what it would do to

our postage stamps, our coins,

our bank notes.

I guess you're stuck,

all right.

I'm glad you see my point.

Straighten up.

Who are you?

I'm the man who, uh... Well,

an appointment was made for me.

I was to be here at 3:00.

You are Mr. Smith,

the American.

Yes, Your Majesty. It's

in connection with the Countess

von Stolzenberg-Stolzenberg.

Uh, what I want, Your Majesty...

Well, it's a hard for me to

explain exactly what I do want.

Exactly what you want

is the Countess

von Stolzenberg-Stolzenberg.

Exactly.

How long have you

two known each other?

Three weeks, roughly speaking.

Not too roughly, I trust.

[Coughing]

You, uh, love her,

Mr. Smith?

Yes, I do, Your Majesty.

And she loves me.

I know it sounds crazy...

considering who she is

and where come from, way, way

the other side of the tracks.

It is somewhat unorthodox.

Should you marryJohanna, what

kind of life do you envision?

Do you intend to live

with her here in Vienna?

Move into her palace?

I should say not.

There's too many forks

to know which one to pick up.

I plan to take her home with me.

Home?

Which one of the United States

do you come from?

New Jersey.

Newark, New Jersey.

My mother has a place there.

Aplace?

That is, uh... an estate?

[Exhales]

No, it's a house.

Sort of a half house.

Two family deal.

Dr. Coleman lives in the

other half. He's a dentist. We

belong to the same bowling club.

[Coughing]

You and Johanna will live

with your mother?

Oh, yes. Wouldn't want her

alone while 'm out on the road.

On the road?

Look, I could've come in here

and thrown a big bluff about

being a rich Wall Street man...

just cruising around the world,

but actually, I don't have

a yacht to my name.

I'm just a traveling salesman

and I earn $22.50 a week against

four percent commission,

which isn't bad when you

consider what an up-and-coming

product I handle.

That mechanical orchestra

with which you pursued me

from Vienna to that forest?

I'm sorry about the stag.

Oh, I probably would have

missed him anyway.

I'm a very poor shot.

[Coughing]

This machine...

Is it practical?

Is it, uh, really good?

Oh, that's

the gosh darndest,

jim-dandiest machi...

Listen, Your Majesty, I didn't

come here to sell that machine.

I came here to sell myself...

so you wouldn't think

the Countess was throwing

herself away on a hoodlum.

You are not a hoodlum.

You are a businessman.

Yes, Your Majesty.

A good one, I'm sure:

quick, clever, enterprising.

Thank you,

Your Majesty.

If a good proposition offered

itself, you wouldn't let it

slip through your fingers.

Oh, I should say not, sir.

Good. It so happens

I have one for you.

You have?

It's a very simple one.

Give upJohanna

and I will endorse that machine.

Come again?

I'm sure you heard

what I said.

Look, you,

I love her!

That, Mr. Smith,

is what I am counting on.

I'm not narrow-minded.

I could even forgive him

being an American...

if he belonged to one

of those Vander, Astor,

uh, Rocker families.

But a Mr. Smith.

I love him.

If you say that

once more...

I love him.

Garbage.

Father, if you say that

once more...

[Coughing]

I've seen these things

happen before, Mr. Smith.

I've seen them happen

over and over again.

There was a grandniece

of mine who ran away

with a fencing master.

An archduchess who fell in love

with a tourist guide in Egypt.

Princes have eloped

with soubrettes,

princesses with headwaiters.

And why not

if they loved each other?

Why not?

Let me tell you why not.

My grandniece

and her fencing master.

What happened?

A few beautiful months in Naples

and then she began to want to

go back to the life she left.

There's no going back.

Eventually, she threw herself

from the fifth story window

of her hotel.

The archduchess with her

tourist guide had less luck,

or less character.

She's living still... in a cheap

Viennese boarding house...

on sleeping pills and brandy

to forget where she came from.

Where she came from?

Because you're so much better

than we are?

I don't say

we are better.

As a matter of fact,

I think you are better.

You are simpler.

You are stronger. Ultimately,

the world will be yours.

You bet it will!

What I'm trying to explain,

Mr. Smith, is that...

we are different.

We are like snails

living in lovely twisted

little twisted shells.

Uh, have you ever observed

a snail, Mr. Smith?

They are

majestic creatures...

with small coronetted heads

that peer very proudly

from their tiny castles.

They move with dignity.

I imagine they have a great

sense of their own importance.

But you take them

from their shells

and they die.

That is us,

Mr. Smith.

Aw, that's a lot of...

I know my class.

TakeJohanna with you and you

destroy her. Do you want to

destroy someone you love?

I don't want to

and I'm not going to!

I'm gonna make her happy.

One chance

in a million.

Uh, bring

that apparatus here.

[Coughing]

I don't know whether

she mentioned it...

but there are

two other offers

forJohanna's hand:

the Prince Baloshaza

and the Marques Lafuente.

And they're both idiots.

I agree.

No chance of

any wild love there.

But, uh,

let's look ahead.

PictureJohanna

in the two-family house

in Newark.

Oh, she may still love you

and yet as she dries the dishes,

won't she think:

"Tonight, there is

the gala opening

of the opera in Vienna.

"Last week should have been

at the races at Ascot

in the Royal enclosure.

wonder how the season is

at Biarritz. "

She won't think that.

Because she has you?

That's right.

Are you enough,

Mr. Smith?

Twenty-two fifty a week

with a four percent commission.

Play it,

please.

Do you think

I should go in?

No, Father.

On hearing such a fantastic

proposal, I wager His Majesty

fainted or had a stroke.

[Phonograph]

What's he playing

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