The Errand Boy Page #5

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and good insurance.

Oh, darling, a little fan

handed me this note.

"I hope you don't mind

my writing you,

"but when I first saw you in person,

"that was the day

my life was complete."

Here's the key, darling.

"My life was complete and fulfilled.

"And anybody would loVe

meeting a moVie star,

"especially one as loVely, as talented,

"as great, as warm, as talented..."

Make yourself a drink, darling.

I'm going to get into something

a little more...

It's a crazy!

- You sent for me, T. P?

- Yeah, come on in.

- Oh, Master of...

- Oh, shut up.

Come on, get oVer here.

And don't kiss my hand. Sit down.

- Not in my chair!

- No, sir, I'm sorry.

How about this little chair?

I'll sit right here.

Do you haVe any idea

how many complaints I've had

in regard to that Village idiot

errand boy of yours?

- Well, no, sir, but I think...

- You think!

With what?

When's the last time you paid

a Visit to that brain of yours?

You nitwit!

- But I...

- But you, my eye.

Do you realize that that? That...

That screw-loose

imitation of a human being has

disrupted this studio beyond control?

- I know!

- You know?

Not if you yell, I don't know.

And you let it continue?

Well, only insofar that I knew that he

was working out so well for us in...

In that other little matter.

Oh? Really?

- What has he come up with?

- Well.

I knew that you wanted everything

reported to you in a written statement,

and I was just right in the throes of...

Oh my, that's a loVely suit that you

haVe there, T. P... And, oh, that tie...

Yeah, I was right in the throes

of compiling the report

when you sent for me.

- Well, that's different.

- Different?

Now, you get that report to me

as soon as you can.

- Oh, soon as I can.

- I hope it's half as informatiVe

- as those complaints were.

- Yes, those complaints. Yeah.

Get my secretary. Miss Clay, please.

Miss Clay. Yeah! Miss Clay.

Say, find that errand boy.

This is Sneak, first, Miss Clay. Yeah!

Well, I'm at the commissaries.

Now, find that errand boy, that Morty,

and tell him I want to see him

in my office right now.

Where shall I look for him, sir?

Try the alcohol jars

at the studio infirmary.

But find him!

Hey, Carl. I'll get the hats and canes

and you get the dummies.

OK, Ralph.

How many did they

say they wanted?

I think they wanted three, is all.

OK, three it is.

Oh, thank you Very much

for getting me up.

I was stuck there the whole night.

What's that?

West Coast Ding-Dong school?

- The kids?

- Yeah.

No, they go to school here on the lot

when they're making pictures.

Yeah? How come?

Well, they've gotta put in so many

hours during the day on lessons.

- Oh, this must be recess, huh?

- Yeah, I guess so.

That's Very interesting.

I never knew that.

Come on, we only got

20 more minutes for lunch.

- No, you go ahead. I wanna watch.

- All right.

- Hi, men.

- Hi.

Would you like a few lessons

on the art of basketball?

Sure, are you gonna show us how?

Oh, sure, I'd show you.

Would you like me to show you?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

OK. My name's Morty.

You can call me that if you want to.

OK, Morty, giVe us a few lessons.

- I will. Almost through with the ball?

- Yeah.

OK, let's haVe it and step this way.

Get that, get it.

Right here. Here we go!

Oh. Get that. Hey!

The ball!

Keep your eye right on there.

Get the idea? It's all rhythm.

- Get the idea? Wanna try it?

- Yes, we do.

All right, go ahead.

- You did Very good, boys.

- Thank you.

I couldn't teach you too much,

because you're Very good, boys.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

- You do this a lot, right?

- Yes.

- Yeah. Could I see the ball?

- Yeah.

- You smart alecks!

- GiVe us our ball!

Here, here, boys.

I couldn't help but see

what was going on.

Now, let me giVe you all

some adVice:

Let that kid haVe the ball.

What good is it gonna do

if you catch him?

It's only gonna lead to an argument,

and nothing ever gets

solVed by arguing.

Be kind and be sweet.

You'll find out as you grow older

that it's much better

to agree and to adhere to

all the rules that people set up.

- Mr. Durocher.

- Yes?

- Your call to New York is ready.

- Thank you Very much.

- Morty!

- Yes, sir.

Morty, I've got an itch

that's driVing me crazy.

- Will you scratch my back, please?

- Your back? Yeah.

I hope no one comes in.

We look so silly.

A little higher.

I hope no one comes in.

We look so silly.

Oh, higher on the scratching.

Little clown.

Little clown.

Hello. You're Morty, aren't you?

Well, yeah, how'd you know?

The little clown told me all about you.

Oh, yeah? Oh, he's a cute little fella.

I'm Magnolia.

I'm from the Deep South.

Are you?

- No kidding?

- No, really, I'm not kidding at all.

I'd haVe never known it.

- Really?

- I swear.

I'm only teasing.

I'm from New Jersey.

- Are you really?

- Yeah.

What? Whatever brought

you so far from your home?

Oh, well...

...I guess, for as long as I can

remember, I wanted to go to Hollywood

and see the moVie stars

and the studios

and all the people that made the

pictures and how they made them.

And I guess it wasn't uncommon

with me, like with a lot of other guys

my age that liked moVies.

So I saVed up some money,

and one day I got on a bus...

...and here I was, in Hollywood.

And so when I got here, I realized

I wasn't any closer to it

than when I was in New Jersey.

And, as you know,

when you're far away from something

and you can't get to it,

that's not quite half as bad

as when you're close to that

something and you can't get to it.

- Right?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, that's right. I think it's right.

- Yeah.

So, I guess I was just

a little oVeranxious.

I was so delighted and happy about

working at a studio that I...

I promised them I would giVe

them the information they wanted.

And I can't do it.

I even flunked spy.

What a shame.

Well, that's not all.

From the first day that I got here,

I've done nothing but cause

everybody trouble.

I didn't mean to.

It's just that I've been so

delighted with working here,

that I didn't think half of the time.

I'm a gofer.

They tell me to go for this

and go for that.

And I can't go for this

or go for that even properly.

And the only reason, I guess, they

haVen't giVen me the ax is because

they probably figure I'm

gonna tell them a lot of things.

Well, I've taken up about

enough of your time.

I'm sorry that I've bent your

feathers so long, but...

Wait a minute.

- I just thought of something.

- What's that?

Well, I know I'm not terribly smart.

And a lot of people are saying that

maybe I lost a couple of my marbles,

but I ain't dumb.

And you don't haVe to haVe

a HarVard graduation certificate...

Although it would be good to haVe that

if you ever wanted to

work in Washington.

To know that...

...puppets can't talk.

Well, that depends.

Can you? Can you remember

when you were a little boy

and your parents took

you to a puppet show?

And how you'd think,

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