The Escort Page #5

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I thought you said

this wasn't gonna be dangerous.

It's not gonna

be dangerous for you.

I'm a sitting duck out there.

Look, you're my ticket

to that job, okay?

I'm not just gonna leave you.

- I just wanted to be clear.

- We're clear.

Perfect.

How'd you meet her?

Who?

The girl you had bent

over the bathroom sink.

I'm sure she has a name.

I'm sure she does,

but I don't know it.

Okay, look, that app

connected us, all right?

What do I care

if she's on her shift break?

Is this a rare occurrence?

No.

This is fascinating.

Do you get tested?

Often.

What's been your worst scare?

Hep B.

Hep C.

- Seriously?

- Seriously.

- But you're all, like--

- Yeah, everything's fine, you?

Oh, I'm--I'm fine.

But that two-week wait?

Holy sh*t, right?

I couldn't eat.

I couldn't sleep.

The worst part

is going to that clinic

and sitting all alone.

It's awful.

And the place smells

like a funeral home.

Yea--the hung poster

of the ethnically diverse

STD-free people

just kind of smiling there?

Yeah, what the f***

is that about?

Hey, I don't know

what you're doing on Sunday,

but I'm heading to my dad's

house for dinner, and if--

You want me to meet

your family?

Not my fam--I mean,

it's just my dad

and my sister,

but yeah.

It'd be fun.

What's this really about?

What do you mean?

I thought

it was poor form

to bring your work

home with you.

Well, you're a presentable

piece of work.

Okay, look, my family

thinks that I'm kind of,

like, a big f***-up,

and, well,

you're smart and pretty

and personable.

And if I were to bring

someone like you home,

they'd, you know, think

I'm getting my sh*t together.

You think I'm pretty?

Look, just...

deal or no?

I suppose

I'll wear something tasteful

and girlfriend-y,

but I'm not holding your hand,

and you can't call me

babe or boo

or anything

that starts with a B.

Oh, my God, monkey,

you're gonna be great.

Don't even.

With all the time

you're spending on this article,

it better be good, man.

It's good, I think.

I don't know.

Wow, you sound

super confident.

How far into it are you?

It's still in the, uh,

researching stage.

You gonna tell me

what it's about or what?

Nope.

Why?

You're just gonna

be annoying about it.

Am I ever annoying?

All right, fine, it's, um,

just some profile

on some girl.

It's nothing.

And she's topical?

Why?

Well, uh,

she went to Stanford.

Second-tier school, but...

And, um, you know,

men pay her for--for sex.

You're doing a profile

on a prostitute?

Well, if you want

to get technical about it,

I guess, but...

Well, I mean, they do say

write what you know.

What are you f***ing doing?

All right, this one?

You didn't tell me

you were Bruce f***ing Wayne.

Is this new money, old money?

What's going on here?

My dad was a songwriter

in the '70s.

Probably a bunch

of classics that

you've never heard of and none

that I care to remember.

Okay.

You look like

Betty White's granddaughter.

Did you win

your chess tournament?

- I did, actually.

- I look great.

Sh*t, how do I

address the butler?

- I've never done this.

- I don't have a butler.

Em, hey.

I was beginning to think

you forgot about me.

- You? Come on.

- Hey, I'm Natalie.

Holy sh*t.

You're pretty.

Well, you're adorable

yourself, little lady.

This is my sister--

But you're, like,

so f***ing pretty.

You're, uh,

you're so f***ing pretty.

I like her.

I see Dad's not getting on you

about the cursing.

If he's gonna

make me play JV football,

he's gonna have to deal

with the cursing I'm exposed to.

Why is he making you

play football?

Because Mitch quit

when he was in high school,

and he doesn't want me

ending up like him.

Why, what's wrong with Mitch?

Dad says he's poor

and will continue to be poor

if he keeps working

in a dying industry.

Wait here.

Home.

I love it.

Mitch is here.

He's on to some workout video

these days.

Mitchell.

Dad, hey.

Good to...

- Ha, yeah.

- See you.

Yeah, you too.

You're wearing your contact

lenses again, aren't you?

Yeah.

You look a lot less anal

without your glasses.

Thank you, I think.

And this must be?

I'm Natalie.

Gorgeous, just gorgeous.

- I'm Charles.

- You have a beautiful home.

Eh, it's all right.

It's been a while

since Mitchell

brought a girlfriend

around here.

How long you two been dating?

- Uh, four--

- Six--

Four to six months.

We--we average it

out to five.

The beginning

is always weird.

Does it start

with the first text message,

the first kiss?

First kiss.

Totes.

Totes. Monkey,

why don't you write that down?

First kiss.

Stanford?

That's impressive.

I knew a girl

from Stanford once.

Twice, actually.

Natalie's running

her own tutoring business.

Can you tutor me

in biology?

My teacher's got it out

for me.

- She's a grade-A c*nt.

- Language.

JV football.

I wish I could,

but I only teach math.

Ha, Mitchell was never

any good at math.

Emily here's a whiz.

Look at that, ten minutes

before putting me down.

That's a new record.

Not everybody is good

at the same things, Mitchell.

Dad doesn't think Mitch

applies himself and says

he looks to blame

other people for his problems.

I think

Mitch is gonna be just fine.

I've actually been

reading the article

that he's writing

for that magazine,

and it's really good.

He's a great writer.

Well, that's great news,

Mitchell.

What's it about?

The article, uh, it's, um--

Well, you know when, um...

How--how would I

describe this?

It's about me

and my business.

The learning habits

of children

and what motivates them

and such.

Wow, can't wait

to read that one.

No offense.

Yeah, no disrespect

to your profession, Natalie,

but it seems like if this is

a one-shot audition thing,

why not just do something

a little more,

I don't know, risqu?

Oh, I have a feeling

if the article gets published,

the risqu will pop out.

Yeah?

- Hey.

- Hey.

She's pretty great, huh?

Yeah, you might want

to hang on to that one.

Yeah.

Hey, do you mind if I...

Uh...sure.

What can I do for you?

So you remember last week?

Do you remember last week

when I was short on rent?

Well, since I'm not gonna

find out about this article

for a few more weeks, I'm gonna

be short next week too.

Mitchell, you know that

I don't mind helping you out,

even though my therapist

is begging me

to stop enabling you.

Well, it's just

until I get this job,

and by the way,

it's looking good,

so I'm sure your therapist

would be fine with that.

It's not just Dr. Polanski.

No?

- It's Krystal as well.

- Who's Krystal?

- She's my astrologist.

- I'm sorry, your what?

My astrologist.

She says when Mercury

is in retrograde,

like it is right now,

I can't do anything financial.

In fact, she's instructed me

to freeze all my accounts

for the month.

Dad, th--

this is the last time,

I swear.

Mitchell, I'm sorry.

I wish I could help you out.

Retrograde is retrograde.

Right, uh, retrograde.

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