The Extra Man Page #7

YOU KNOW, GERSHON,

THIS YOUNG MAN:

IS VERY WELL READ,

BUT HE KNOWS NOTHING

ABOUT REAL LIFE.

YES, I'M STARTING

TO THINK THAT.

YES, HE'S SUCH A SAD,

OLD SOUL TOO.

YOU KNOW THAT HE'S NEVER

EVEN LEARNED HOW TO DANCE?

THAT'S MORE THAN SAD.

THAT'S TRAGIC.

WELL, IF HENRY WOULD LET ME

WATCH HIM ONCE IN A WHILE,

I MIGHT PICK UP:

A STEP OR TWO.

MY STEPS CANNO BE LEARNED.

THEY'RE ENTIRELY INTUITIVE,

BASED ON JUNGLE RHYTHMS.

TRY ME.

( chuckles )

VERY WELL.

GERSHON, YOU'VE GO A BEAUTIFUL SINGING VOICE.

WE HEAR YOU IN THE SHOWER

ALL THE TIME, GOING ON AND ON.

WHY DON'T YOU SING US

SOMETHING THAT'S DANCEABLE?

WHAT GENRE DO YOU PREFER?

UM...

I DON'T KNOW.

LET'S STAR WITH A WALTZ.

- ( clears throat )

- YEAH.

OVER HERE.

WE NEED SPACE.

- NOW OBSERVE AND IMITATE.

- ( deep voice )

SOMEWHERE MY LOVE...

- OH, YES.

- THERE WILL BE

SONGS TO SING...

SO ONCE HE'S SINGING,

HE HAS A HUMAN VOICE.

NOW SHOULDERS SO.

CHEST OUT.

ARISTOCRATIC.

WATCH CLOSELY.

DO AS I DO.

- ONE, TWO, THREE,

ONE, TWO, THREE.

- SOMEWHERE A HILL...

- THAT'S RIGHT. YES. FLOAT!

- BLOSSOMS IN GREEN

AND GOLD:

- AND THERE ARE DREAMS...

- DON'T BEND YOUR KNEES

TOO MUCH.

IT'S NOT A PEASANT DANCE.

YOU'RE AN ARISTOCRAT!

YOU'RE ABOVE THE WORLD.

- SOMEDAY...

- YOU'RE FLOATING.

- WE'LL MEET AGAIN...

- ONE AND TURN, AND TURN.

- MY LOVE...

- WHIRL-- THE DERVISHES!

- IT'S TRANSCENDENT.

- SOMEDAY, WHENEVER

THE SPRING BREAKS THROUGH.

THAT'S IT. YES!

OHH! OH, OH!

- HENRY! HENRY, ARE YOU OKAY?

- ( Henry groaning, shouting )

- ARE YOU OKAY?

- MY SCIATICA!

WHAT DO WE DO?!

WHAT DO YOU DO?

GET ME OFF THIS:

GODFORSAKEN BEACH.

I NEED ALCOHOL:

AND CIVILIZATION.

- OKAY. OKAY.

- OH, GOD.

( groaning )

- OH, GOD. OH, GOD.

- HOW DO WE DO THIS?

( groaning )

DON'T FORGET MY HAT!

VIVIAN CUDLIP BOUGH THAT FOR ME IN MOSCOW!

( high voice )

PUT HIM ON THE FLOOR.

I KNOW HOW TO FIX HIM.

I DID IT TWO YEARS AGO.

NO, YOU DIDN'T.

YOU MADE IT WORSE.

DON'T BE DIFFICULT,

HENRY.

I'M THE ONE WHO GOT YOU

WALKING AGAIN AND YOU KNOW IT.

IT'S A CONSPIRACY,

ISN'T IT?

OTTO BELLMAN HIRED YOU,

DIDN'T HE?

- TO ASSASSINATE ME.

- KNEEL DOWN.

TELL HIM HE CAN KEEP

MY DAMN PLAY!

- ON YOUR STOMACH.

ALL RIGHT.

- ( groaning )

SHH. NOW...

I'M GOING TO BEGIN

BY APPLYING SHARP PRESSURE...

( spits )

TO THE AREAS JUST ABOVE

BOTH BUTTOCKS.

WHAT?

NOT WITH YOUR HANDS

YOU'RE NOT!

I DON'T WANT YOUR GERMS.

USE SOME OTHER TECHNIQUE.

FINE.

HERE, I'LL USE THIS.

OH, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT,

GERSHON. IT DOESN'T LOOK--

- I'LL MAKE IT WORK.

- WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU--

- HOLD STILL.

- ( screaming )

ARE YOU INSANE?!

GOD!

YOU'RE TRYING TO KILL ME!

HOW IN GOD'S NAME IS

THAT SUPPOSED TO HELP?!

- HEY, HERE'S SOME BRANDY.

- I KNOW.

I NEED TO GO GE MY ACUPRESSURE BOOK.

AND I HAVE A VERY LARGE

VIBRATOR DOWNSTAIRS.

- MMM.

- I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

OH, GOD.

LOUIS, I THINK I SEE MY--

MY EYE MASK.

IT'S MY EYE MASK,

ISN'T IT?

OH MY... GOD.

OHH!

MMM! OH.

LET ME GET YOU A PILLOW.

LOUIS. LOUIS.

FOR GOD'S SAKE,

DO NOT--

DO NOT LET...

GERSHON IN WITH HIS VIBRATOR.

YOU CAN IMAGINE WHERE

THAT THING'S BEEN.

ALL I NEED IS SLEEP.

I NEED TO PUT ON

MY EYE MASK.

DON'T WORRY.

I'LL HANDLE GERSHON.

IF, BY CHANCE,

I DIE IN MY SLEEP,

I WANT YOU TO MAKE SURE

THAT THE FUNERAL MASS

IS IN LATIN.

AND GIVE ALL MY WORLDLY GOODS

TO CATHOLIC CHARITIES,

EXCEPT FOR THE CHRISTMAS BALLS.

THOSE GO TO YOU.

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DIE.

JUST GET SOME SLEEP, OKAY?

YES, SLEEP.

YOU KNOW, LOUIS,

IN SPITE:

OF YOUR QUIRKS,

I THINK YOU'RE

THE SANEST PERSON I KNOW.

I'M VERY LUCKY

TO HAVE YOU HERE.

- ( door bangs )

- Gershon:
I'VE GO THE VIBRATOR!

( screams )

( phone ringing )

( groans )

I GOT IT.

I GOT IT.

H. HARRISON'S RESIDENCE.

OH. YES.

JUST ONE MINUTE,

PLEASE.

IT'S VIVIAN CUDLIP'S

SECRETARY.

H. HARRISON.

I'M SORRY?

OH. OH, VIVIAN,

HOW ARE YOU, DEAR?

YES. OH,

THAT SOUNDS LOVELY.

YES, I LOOK FORWARD TO IT.

OH, GOD, GOD, GOD, GOD.

IS SOMETHING WRONG?

VIVIAN'S HOSTING

A DINNER PARTY TONIGH AT THE RUSSIAN TEA ROOM.

SHE WANTS ME:

TO ESCORT HER.

AND LOOK AT ME, LYING HERE

LIKE A USELESS OLD MAN.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD

JUST CALL HER BACK

AND TELL HER:

THE TRUTH.

I'M SURE

SHE'D UNDERSTAND.

AT HER AGE SHE MUS HAVE HEALTH PROBLEMS.

VIVIAN HAS HAD EVERY CANCER

THERE IS-- TWICE.

NOT TO MENTION A HOLE

IN HER HEART.

BUT THAT HASN'T STOPPED HER

EVER FROM GOING OUT.

IF I LET VIVIAN CONTAC ANY OF THE OTHER ROSEN KNIGHTS,

I'LL BE BANISHED.

BUT, HENRY,

THERE'S NO WAY YOU CAN GO.

NO.

NO.

BUT YOU CAN.

ME?

( doorbell rings )

HELLO. I'M HERE

FOR MRS. CUDLIP.

Woman:

COME IN.

WAIT HERE.

( whispering )

COME IN.

YOU'RE LOUIS.

HENRY'S YOUNG FRIEND.

YES.

IT'S A PLEASURE

TO MEET YOU, MRS. CUDLIP.

I'VE HEARD NOTHING

BUT WONDERFUL THINGS.

WELL, IF HENRY SAID THEM,

DON'T BELIEVE A WORD.

LATELY THAT MAN IS

NOT TO BE TRUSTED.

HE INTRODUCED:

MY GRANDDAUGHTER

TO A DEFORMED:

SWISS CON MAN,

AND I'M NOT HAPPY

ABOUT IT.

- THAT'S SHOCKING.

- HE CAN BE A DEAR

FRIEND, HENRY,

BUT HE'S ANNOYINGLY INTEN AT BEING SOMETHING MORE.

HE'S ALWAYS DROPPING HINTS

ABOUT MARRYING ME, YOU KNOW.

NO, I DIDN'T.

AND MY OTHER FRIEND, ARESH,

IS THE SAME WAY.

( chuckling )

YOU'LL MEET HIM AT DINNER.

- THIS ROSE IS FOR YOU.

- VERY THOUGHTFUL.

THE CAR'S WAITING.

- MAY I HELP YOU?

- LET'S GO.

GET THIS FOR YOU.

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK

OF THE RUSSIAN TEA ROOM, LOUIS?

THIS CAVIAR IS WONDERFUL.

THE CHAMPAGNE AS WELL.

YES. I WANT MORE.

RIGHT AWAY, MRS. CUDLIP.

ANYTHING YOU NEED, JUST ASK.

( speaking Arabic )

A TOAST TO VIVIAN.

- OH, YES.

- THE MOST BEAUTIFUL,

THE MOST SOPHISTICATED,

THE MOST CULTURED...

- WAITER, I NEED A STRAW.

- ...THE MOST PROMINENT...

- OF COURSE.

- ...AND THE MOST POPULAR

GRAND DAME:

IN ALL OF NEW YORK!

( sucking )

ALSO, YOU HAVE RECEIVED

A PHONE MESSAGE, MRS. CUDLIP.

OH, THANK YOU.

IT'S NICE TO SEE

YOU AGAIN, MEREDITH.

OH.

OH, THAT'S RIGHT. YES.

YES, HELLO.

I'M SORRY WE COULDN' ACCOMPANY YOU AND LOIS

TO THE WHITNEY:

THAT NIGHT.

HENRY WAS A BI OUT OF SORTS.

YOU MEAN RUDE.

BUT YOU KNOW,

I DON'T CARE.

HENRY IS HORRIBLE

TO ALL WOMEN.

OH, I DON'T THINK

THAT'S TRUE.

HE HAD HIS HEAR BROKEN YEARS AGO

WHEN HE WAS YOUNG

AND HANDSOME:

AND STILL HAD MONEY,

AND HE TAKES IT OU ON WOMEN EVER SINCE.

YOU KNOW, HE WAS IN LOVE

WITH A CATHOLIC GIRL.

HER FAMILY WOULDN' ACCEPT HIM.

HENRY'S PROTESTANT,

AND HE PRETENDS:

EVER SINCE TO BE CATHOLIC

BECAUSE HE THINKS IT HAS SOME

SORT OF MORAL SNOB APPEAL.

SPENCER MOONEY:

TOLD ME HE SUSPECTS

THAT HENRY:

IS HOMOSEXUAL.

PEOPLE SAY THAT TOO.

AND HE WAS:

IN THE THEATER.

THEATER TYPES NEED TO BE

A LITTLE HOMOSEXUAL

SO THEY CAN FEEL THINGS

MORE DEEPLY.

BUT HENRY IS THE OPPOSITE--

HE HAS NO FEELINGS.

- I DON'T THINK SO.

- OH, I THINK SO.

I GIVE UP.

LOUIS,

COULD YOU READ THIS NAME

HERE FOR ME, PLEASE?

OF COURSE.

"BARRY BARBARASH."

OH, I'M NOT GOING

TO ANSWER THAT.

IF HE HEARS:

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