The Faculty Page #4

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then include the names

of your nearest living relatives.

What?

- Is this gonna be on the test?

- This is the test.

What is that?

It's magic dust.

- You want some?

- No, I have a low tolerance, but thank you.

- You sure?

- I'm allergic to aspirin,

so that would

probably kill me.

- We wouldn't want to do that.

- No.

I'm Marybeth Louise Hutchinson

of Atlanta.

Atlanta.

I know.

That's right.

You know everything.

I'm Zeke.

- I know.

- It's a pleasure.

The pleasure's

all mine.

There's a mandatory meeting in the office

at lunch today for all club presidents.

Remember, tonight we take on

the Brun County Changa.

- Please come at 5:30 and show your support.

- Hey, that's mine.

Weird, isn't it?

- What do you think it is?

- Locker search maybe?

Something weird

is going on here.

Hey, Football.

Hey, Gabe.

- You're not pissed, are you?

- About what?

I'm the new team captain.

What's going on here?

Nurse Harper, she's giving an ear exam

or some sh*t like that.

And that takes the police?

Stan, I need

to talk to you.

I didn't know

you wore glasses.

Contacts.

Come on, it's important.

Stokely, got a second?

I need your help.

So after the accident, I came here

to live with relatives, you know.

So I moved in

with my cousins and... here I am.

F***ing do something,

you p*ssy puke!

Yeah, my mom and dad

are dead too.

- Really?

- Yeah.

They're still breathing,

but for all intents and purposes,

they're very much dead.

You've f***ing gone weird.

F*** you, you p*ssy.

- F*** you!

- You and I have a lot in common then.

Yeah.

- You notice anything off today here at school?

- I'm from the south.

- Y'all are off.

- Dude, we need some scat.

Yeah, man, we can't deal.

There's some weird sh*t going down here.

Five bucks a pop. Hey, man,

how's the new you working out?

Working out just fine.

Hey, you got any more?

- Sure, man.

- Really?

Why don't you give us

all you got?

All right.

Dough.

- You got any more?

- Not on me, man.

- What about in your locker?

- How about in your car? Got any more there?

- Use in moderation, boys.

- Come on, Zeke. Hook us up.

- Check out Miss Burke.

- Wow, what happened to her?

Man, I'm really not in the mood,

Miss Burke. I'm clean.

- What's up with her?

- Not today.

It's too damn hot, and I got

zero-f***ing-tolerance.

Eat me, you a**hole. I'm the one with

no tolerance, you pathetic little runt.

Ouch. Comeback.

What are you gonna do?

Are you gonna call my mother?

And how am I supposed to do

that, little Zekey boy?

Do you even know

where she is?

Europe, Sri Lanka, Japan? I wonder what

remote location she went to this week...

to hide from her

great big bastard mistake.

I've taken your sh*t

for too f***ing long,

you dickless drug-induced

excuse for a human being.

- Woman, what are you on?

- "Woman"? Did you just say, "woman"?

I'm sick of you,

little boy.

And if I see you peddling

your wonder dust again,

I'm gonna shove my foot

so far up your ass...

you'll be sucking my toes

till graduation.

Big trouble.

She got some bad sh*t.

And then they chased us,

but we got away.

All this started when Mrs Brummel

did a wet and wild...

- in the boys' locker room?

- I think so.

Everybody's been acting really strange,

especially the faculty.

Tell me about it. It's like they've

all turned into f***ing pod people...

- or something.

- Into what people?

Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

A small town was taken over by aliens.

That was a joke.

Look, what if it

really happened?

- What if that really happened?

- I think something's taking over our school.

The Body Snatchers is a story

somebody made up, dingus.

It's located in the fiction

section of the library.

So is Schindler's List. All fiction

is based on some truth, right?

What does Miss Burke teach us

in English 101? Write what you know.

How do we know

this writer guy...

- Jack Finney.

- didn't encounter aliens in his high school...

which led him to write a book

about an alien invasion?

- Your conspiracy theory is flawed.

- How so?

Jack Finney's The Body Snatchers

is a blatant rip-off...

of The Puppet Masters

by Robert Heinlein.

So you can completely disregard

that entire work.

Whatever.

The point is they're here,

they've been here

and they're here again.

You know, Casey, I think you've been racked

into the flagpole one too many times.

Look, how do you know

there's not a conspiracy?

Maybe X-Files is right.

Where do all these movies

come from anyway?

How do we know Spielberg,

Lucas, Sonnenfeld,

Emmerich haven't been

visited by aliens?

You know, maybe they're

aliens themselves.

Maybe they're simply preparing us

for what's to come.

You know what, Casey,

it's fiction. Okay?

- It's science fiction.

- Exactly.

Everybody gets hung up on the science

part, which has nothing to do with it.

They're getting at us

through the fiction.

So, aliens have just been

setting us up over the years,

creating this happy little

make-believe existence...

with their E.T.

and their Men In Black movies...

just so that nobody would believe it

if it really happened?

I think so.

Yeah.

- You're not buying this, are you?

- No, I'm not.

But it's kind of cool.

Okay, so what's missing?

Well, in The Body Snatchers,

they were pods, but where are they?

I mean, where are the pods?

There are no pods.

There's gotta be

something else.

In Puppet Masters,

they were parasites.

- I filled Stan in.

- Come with us. Stokely's onto something.

Really?

Sh*t.

Furlong must have sent it

up to the university.

- Doubtful.

- Where else could it be?

What? What is it?

Will someone please tell me

what the hell's going on here?

It all started yesterday when

I found this thing, this new species.

Which is now missing.

We think aliens are

taking over our school.

Right. Come on.

You saw what Brummel

did in the shower.

I saw her dead body

in the closet.

They've been calling students into the office.

The students with the most influence on down,

including the new team captain.

Looks like you picked

the right week to quit football.

You think aliens have

infested our school?

That would explain their weird

behaviour, wouldn't it?

Give me a f***ing break.

So, what are we

doing in here?

Shopping.

- I've got a very large grocery list.

- What are you talking about?

This is where

I get my equipment.

You borrow it

from science labs?

I like to think of it

as stealing, actually.

Just doing my part to the

deconstruction of America.

So if anybody

finds us in here,

just grab ahold of me and pretend

we're making out.

The punishment

will be less severe.

- Aliens?

- Do you have a better explanation, Stan?

Great. Just listen to yourselves.

Our teachers are aliens?

That's not weird,

that's f***ing psychotic.

Come on, guys.

This is nuts.

Then leave, Stan. Why are you

hanging around? Go win a Pulitzer.

Blow me, Delilah,

'cause I'm sick of your sh*t.

Get the f*** out of here

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