The Fan Page #4

---

you were what most other men are.

You're better than most. Sometimes

I think you pretend to be worse.

If you pretend to be good,

the world takes you seriously.

If you pretend to be bad, it doesn't.

Don't you want the world

to take you seriously?

No, but I want YOU to take me seriously,

Lady Windermere.

Why me?

Because we might be great friends.

And you may need a friend someday.

I think we are good friends, and will be

so long as you don't spoil our friendship.

What's the matter with Darlington?

Has he given up already?

Lady Windermere,

it would have been much kinder to me

if you'd come heavily veiled

and swathed in thick shawls.

I shall have the most terrible time

keeping my eyes on my opponent.

It is useless to protest, all men

are bound to pay you compliments.

Compliments are the only things

I can afford to pay.

Do you remember there's a match

you're supposed to take part in?

Do you think the rain will hold off?

It looks very threatening.

I don't think it will rain.

What do you think, Robert?

- Your guest, Arthur?

- Mrs. Erlynne?

Augustus is a fool.

You must pay me a great deal

of attention this afternoon, I shall need it.

Tell me who people are.

Well, there is my sister,

the Duchess of Berwick.

Who on earth is that with my brother?

Do you know her, Mr. Hopper?

What an interesting face!

You must introduce me to her.

And next to her,

Lady Agatha, my niece.

And there is Lady Windermere.

Her name is Mrs. Erlynne.

She lives at the same hotel

as I, the Albemarle.

- Is there a Mr. Erlynne?

- I don't think anybody knows.

She looks like an edition deluxe

of a wicked French novel

meant especially for the English market.

They say she has quite a past.

She looks as if she had

at least a dozen.

Well, Arthur, are we going to start?

Perhaps we had better postpone

the match.

Due to the inclemency of the weather

or the arrival of Mrs. Erlynne?

All right, let's start.

Are you ready?

En garde!

Play.

- Agatha?

- Yes, Mama?

We are going inside.

I won't risk ruining my new hat

to see whether Graham touches

Darlington first, or Darlington Graham.

Come along with us, Margaret,

or you'll be drenched.

I can't leave.

The match isn't over yet.

My dear, they can't possibly

go on in this weather.

Look, Arthur is calling the match now.

All right, it's finished.

My dear lady, do hurry for the carriage

or your lovely hat will get soaked

and it will quite break my heart.

Maybe I can heal your heart.

I'll allow you to buy me a new hat.

Touch, Lord Windermere.

The heavens are with you this time.

Come, Augustus.

Wait for me.

- Kindly leave that sign where it is.

- I beg your pardon, sir?

- This house has been let, I'm the agent.

- It has not been let.

But Lord Windermere will sign the lease

this afternoon.

Oh, he will?

Extremely interesting.

You there!

Augustus?

Have you completely lost your mind?

- What are you doing?

- Well, as you see, dear boy,

there's no end to what I'd do

for an attractive woman.

And she's damned attractive.

But I don't understand all this.

She must be rich.

She's taken this house.

Who is she? Where does she come from?

Why hasn't she got any relatives?

Damn nuisance, relatives I know, but

they make one respectable.

Why are the women so down on her?

You should hear what my sister says.

Don't tell me the Duchess of Berwick

has met her.

Not yet, but she's heard things

about her, didn't leave a rag on her.

It doesn't matter,

she's got an really fine figure.

Mrs. Erlynne, I mean, not my sister.

Oh, I don't know what to do.

Sometimes one would think

I was married to Mrs. Erlynne.

She treats me with such indifference

and when I complain about it, she's

so clever, she can explain everything.

Do you mind if I have a word with her?

She can't get into society,

can she Arthur?

Where is she?

Upstairs, deciding on the mood

for her bedroom.

Would you introduce her to your wife?

Would you do that, old boy?

Mrs. Erlynne, will you please tell me

what this is all about?

Brocade is always handsome,

but it rather ages one.

I wonder about tartan,

billows of tartan.

I do love tartan.

So fresh and spring-like!

Help me decide, Windermere.

What do you think?

This lease was sent to my solicitor

for my signature and my check.

I'm supposed to take

this house for a year.

With an option for another.

Clever of me to think of that!

- For 350 pounds.

- Guineas, my dear man.

And I had to be most pathetic

to the agent to get if for so little.

It's a charming house, isn't it?

What has made you think that

I am going to provide you with a house?

Good reasons.

I could tell them to you,

but mystery fascinates you, doesn't it?

I have no intention of presenting you

with this house.

Perhaps you haven't at the moment.

But in a little while you'll be absolutely

astonished at the change in you.

Your self-confidence

is entirely misplaced.

Oh no, it isn't. You will want to give me

this house for two reasons.

It will make ideal campaign headquarters

for my siege of Lord Augustus.

Am I supposed to encourage

Lord Augustus to marry you?

Oh dear me, no. I'll do that.

It will require

only the most primitive technique.

All sunshine one day,

complete indifference the next.

And there you are, or rather, there I'll be.

Lady Augustus Lorton.

I dare say you'll make him

an admirable wife.

He will think so,

and so probably shall I.

But I require your financial assistance

before we're officially engaged.

He will propose eventually,

but it would hasten things considerably

if I had the added attraction of a dowry.

He can so easily think

that I inherited it from a third cousin

or a second husband,

or some distant relative of that kind.

Nothing ostentatious,

say... 2,500 pounds or so.

Mrs. Erlynne, you are the most

outrageously brazen woman I ever met.

Thank you, I always enjoy being

described with a superlative degree.

Do you really mean that I am

to give you a house and a small fortune

because I called on you once?

You are fascinated by me, admit it.

It rained the other day,

Lord Windermere... for you.

But now the sun is shining... for me.

Will you kindly tell me why you feel

you can practice this extortion?

- I'm going to tell you.

- Mrs. Erlynne? My dear lady.

I quite forgot Augustus. It's so easy to.

I'll send him away at once.

- Come back later and I'll tell you then.

- I must insist that you tell me now.

- Come back at five o'clock.

- I shall be busy at five.

Not that busy.

I'll see you at five o'clock.

I'm coming, my dear Augustus.

Poor Arthur, he was furious with me,

with himself, with everything

because he knew

he would come back at five o'clock.

- And did he?

- Promptly.

You know how curious men are.

- I'm sure you satisfied his curiosity.

- Certainly.

- May I ask how?

- In the simplest possible way.

By telling him the truth.

There is nothing like a lifetime of lying

to make one realize

how effective the truth can be.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes