The Female Brain Page #3

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What if there are perverts

on here?

They could make a house

out of garbage.

Mom, four percent of men

are sociopaths

so I'm sure there are

some perverts on there

but it's not exclusively

for perverts.

Why are we talking

about perverts?

Can you please

just delete those photos?

Okay. But I don't know

which ones to delete.

You've got a ton

of photos on here.

This is a jackpot

for perverts.

Okay, mom, will you please

just delete the album

that says "Wedding?"

What about

the honeymoon album?

You wanna keep that one.

Mom, any photos of Eric.

Any photos with his face

in them.

Please just delete it.

He was so nice.

And what a handsome couple

you were.

I just don't understand

what happened.

What happened

was he left me.

It's very simple.

[hammering]

Bill, why aren't you using

a stud finder?

Why isn't he using

a stud finder?

Because Eric took

the stud finder.

Bill, you are ruining

her drywall.

- Bill, it looks

ridiculous like that.

- Ridiculous?

That looks ridiculous, huh?

I'll tell you.

How about I take it

and I throw it

through that window

out onto the front lawn?

Is that less ridiculous?

Great. Now she's doing

the singing thing.

- You know she doesn't

like us to argue.

- No, no, it's fine.

Children who were exposed

to maternal stress

in utero become addicted

to stress chemicals

in the womb.

Later in life,

these offspring grow up

to be more anxious

and easily adrenalized.

The scientific term

for this

is epigenetic imprinting.

But it's commonly

referred to as

turning into your mother.

If I have learned

anything in this life

it's that I can't stop

you two from fighting.

So you can just

continue on

and I will soothe

my sympathetic

nervous system

with my "Lala Song."

La la la-la la

See? You see, Bill,

what you did?

See? See, Bill.

Say something.

- I love you. Okay?

- Oh.

I love you.

Oh, that's it.

Turn around.

That's not rude at all.

Turn around

I like to tell the back

of your head..

He was such a nice boy.

- No he wasn't, mom!

- Hello.

Basker brings it

up court.

He's looking

for an outlet.

He's yo-yoing up

and down mid-court.

Bounced past the room,

back to Basker.

He takes it to the..

Oh! He went down hard!

[whistle blows]

Oh, this does not

look good.

He is not getting up.

You can see the look

of concern

on Coach Miles' face.

Major setback

for the team.

It's only three months.

Mona will help you

get up the stairs.

- It's..

- Oh, thanks, Mona.

You hungry?

You want some breakfast?

No? A bagel?

We got a comical amount

of bagels. Okay.

Why doesn't

she talk to me?

I don't think

she knows you.

Do you ever feel weird

having all these people

in our house?

Yeah, but we both work

so who's gonna do

all this stuff?

That's true.

We need a wife.

- Oh! I agree.

- Who is this guy?

That's Jimmy, he usually

comes on Mondays.

You're at practice.

The area

that's responsible

for defending your turf

is larger in

the male brain

and it contains

special circuits

to detect territorial

challenges

by other males.

When challenged,

males produce

more testosterone

and adrenaline,

which immediately makes

men more confident.

Oh, hey, man.

- What's up?

- Hey, Greg.

- Okay.

- I'm Jimmy.

Hey, yup.

- I deliver

your groceries, um..

- Okay.

- Ah. Yeah.

- Ah!

- I'm a hugger. Yeah.

- Yeah.

- I'm Canadian.

- Okay.

Somebody delivers

our groceries?

Honey, you eat

like four chickens a day.

Oh, Zoe..

...I just picked

some fresh tomatoes

for you from my garden.

They're super ripe,

so be careful.

Oh, Jimmy.

You're my hero.

Okay, I don't need

all these people

in my house

doing what I'm

perfectly capable

of doing myself.

Well, since you're

gonna be around here

the next couple of months

why don't you oversee

the redo of the bathroom?

Or how about I redo

the bathroom myself

so there's not all these

strange men in my house?

You're gonna build

a bathroom?

Yeah, just give me

the tiles

and the other items

I will need.

Building a bathroom

takes skill.

You know, you have to

like, measure tiles.

You --

Zoe,

I'm a physical marvel.

My hand-eye coordination

is in the .01 percentile.

- Okay.

- Try me.

Throw something at me.

Anything.

Oh!

Okay, so I wasn't ready

for that

because no one's ever

thrown jelly --

Right, so I beat

a physical marvel?

This is great.

Well now I can start my day.

- Oh, good.

- This is good.

'Cause I have that meeting

with that

venture capitalist

at 10:
00. Remember?

- Alright. Bye.

I love you.

- Alright.

Yeah. I just gotta

carb-up over here.

I've got a bathroom

to refurb.

- Can I tell you

something?

- Yeah, sure.

With all due respect?

And I mean..

- I couldn't

help but hear.

- Yeah?

I think you're

a physical marvel.

- Dude. Thank you!

- You're welcome.

I was tryin'.. I try..

Sometimes she doesn't..

I don't think

she respects what I do.

- She doesn't get you.

- No. She was..

She didn't play.

She didn't appreciate sports.

She was a mathlete.

I -- I would like to say

that maybe she doesn't

appreciate you.

Yeah. What..

- Ah, you see!

And she throws jelly.

- Yeah!

Jelly's not really

something you catch.

- Jelly's something

you eat. Yeah.

- Right.

- Of course I'm ready.

Yeah. Here we go.

Those were two peppers

in a bag!

That was like catching

nunchucks.

Okay.

There we go.

Ooh, sh*t.

Still got it.

So this is what

it's come too, huh?

For us to hang,

I've gotta come meet you

at a children's playground

at a school?

This can't be legal,

man.

Look, I've got a family.

If you wanna hang out

with me, you've got

three options.

Work, school,

or on the side of my house

by the garbage cans.

- Can I ask you a question?

- Yeah, sure.

What do you think

about my hair?

Uh, I think less than

nothin' about your hair.

Lexi wants me to

straighten it.

Mm.

Yeah. I mean,

that's an obvious no, right?

If my wife wanted me

to straighten my hair

I would do it

without question.

I'd just go through

the rest of my life

looking like

Katt Williams.

- Pimpin'.

- I don't know, man.

I feel like I gotta draw

the line somewhere,

you know?

This is a slippery slope.

That's not how this works.

She will never stop

bringing it up.

See, look, women,

they can't beat us

physically, right?

Right.

So, the way to control us

is by beatin' us

emotionally.

Wearing down

our self-esteem.

Like little kidney shots

to the soul.

You ain't even

doing this right.

- What do you mean?

- Ah!

Well, look, I..

I'm fine with my hair.

I don't think

about my hair.

I don't care.

I'm a guy.

She wants me to straighten

my hair? Who does that?

You're spittin'

in the wind, man.

My wife buys

my clothes in bulk

tells me where to be

and what to pick-up.

I'm basically

a driver for Postmates.

- But do you like it?

- Do I like it?

I don't even know

what that means anymore.

It's like asking

a zombie if he likes

the taste of brains.

It's irrelevant.

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