The Female Brain Page #7

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Spank away!

Oh.

You're coming in, right?

- Sure.

- Okay.

W...were you robbed?

Y -- yeah, no.

I, I just moved in.

I haven't had time

to really unpack, so..

- Oh, God.

- Okay.

You want me to fix

that wire? I mean,

it'd take me two minutes.

No. It's fine.

It's, it's fine.

Do you want a drink, or..

- Sure.

- Okay.

What do you drink?

What do you want?

Uh, depends on what kind

of guy you want

in your house.

I mean, whiskey

if you want me to

break sh*t.

Or gin if you want me

to shadowbox

and tell you

I'm invincible.

Or, uh, rum

if you want a pirate

in your house.

Uh, okay.

Let's see.

We..

Hm. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

This is not ideal.

Well, I do not have

any of those things.

No alcohol, turns out

but I do have..

I've got,

I've got something.

I've got,

I've got a Sharpie.

I've got..

Oh, I..

Whiteout.

Oh! Hand sanitizer?

I'm being weird.

I'm nervous.

I'm being nervous.

Um, you know, we could

just try to do this sober.

- Wow!

- Yeah, I know. It's not..

I haven't unpacked

my good bras yet.

This is not..

I know. This is..

I have better bras

than this.

Did you find it

on the street?

No. It's like

a half bathing suit.

You can wear it

in the wa..

It's, uh, waterproof.

It doesn't matter.

Here.

[explosion]

U -- uh. Ah.

- This is a little

fast, no?

- It is.

But I feel like your brain

is producing testosterone

so you're probably

psyched to make

reckless decisions.

So..

Yeah. But, uh..

I mean, I -- I don't even

really, uh, know you

and, um, I mean,

you could drug me

and, and steal my kidney

and sell it.

It's happening a lot

in New Mexico.

And Old Mexico.

This is, uh..

[clears throat]

The thing about, uh..

Uh.. Um..

I vote we don't

um...have sex.

- What?

- Because when people

have sex, it, uh..

It makes them crazy.

And I wanna see you again.

So, um.. I, uh..

Oh!

[blowing raspberry]

Yeah. That, um..

[exhales]

I, uh.. Sure.

Um..

Good job and

don't let it fall.

I'm gonna take off and,

um, you should watch porn

to get the..

But your router, uh..

That's been shot

in the face.

Uh, God bless.

[giggling]

Mmm-hmm.

- Mmm..

- Hmm.

Ah, no! Wait.

Wait.

Not on the comforter.

- It was on sale.

- So? I don't want to

ruin it.

- Move. Get up!

- And it's comforter.

[exhales]

What time do you think

they close Target?

She didn't even

wanna have sex.

She was wearing

her good dress

and she had

headphones on.

Like, who listens to porn?

Look, let me be honest

with you.

You're like

the hottest guy I know.

- Thanks, man.

- No, I mean it.

Honestly.

You're gorgeous.

Stunning.

- Really?

- Oh, yeah.

I mean, I've never

jerked off to you, but..

...I have jerked off

as you.

And it is good

to be king.

- You know what I mean?

- I'm telling you, man.

Her vibe is off

ever since I got hurt.

Yeah, well.

You're not just

Whistling Dixie on that,

my main emcee.

- No.

- The whole world's

vibe is off.

No one knows

what to be anymore!

Women want to be

MMA fighters

but they still want us to

hold the door open

for 'em.

They want to make the

restaurant reservations

but they want us to pay.

Bunch of goofballs.

All of them, right?

- Yeah.

- Pick a lane, you goof.

- Yeah.

- Say it.

- No.

- Let me

tell you somethin'.

Hey? Hey.

- Hey you.

- Yeah?

- It's f***ed.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, I got injured

a month ago

and we've had sex

like five times.

I show the slightest

weakness

and it's a turn-off.

Yeah, that's no bueno.

You gotta get

your power back, hombre.

- You know what

I'm saying?

- Yeah.

Show her you're the man.

That's all she wants.

With these gender roles

they've been at us

for 20,000 years.

Get into that

caveman stuff.

Pull her hair.

Choke her.

Are you..

You're choking Cheryl?

Well...no.

She just got a new neck,

so right now's not

the best time

but, uh..

- I'll tell you what.

- Yeah?

I have.

And a good time

was had by all.

I can't choke my wife.

I'm 250 pounds.

Some like

six hundred pounds.

My wife's 5'1"

and Chinese.

I wouldn't worry

about that.

You've just gotta find

a way to be the alpha.

Alright?

Where do I draw

the line though?

Unfortunately for you,

kemosabe,

there is no line.

Don't ask for permission.

Ask for forgiveness.

- You can use that

if you want.

- Yeah.

Be the caveman.

Me man, you woman.

Let's not do that

anymore.

Okay.

Got a bit of a problem.

- What's that?

- My trick knee's

locked up.

Daddy doesn't

have the key.

I got you.

I got.. I got..

Okay, I'm just gonna

slide out.

Good idea.

- Alright.

[grunting]

Hurry up!

Time's running out!

Yeah! Ah!

I'm gonna..

I'm gonna go

take a shower.

- Okay. I'll be here.

- Okay.

[panting]

[instrumental music]

Hi.

Good morning.

Did you get in touch

with Kevin?

- Because he just called.

- Of course he did.

So?

Okay,

so, gossip activates

the brain region

involved in

social cognition.

The process by which

we learn to interact

with others.

So, gossiping is critical

for females to maintain

strong social bonds.

So our brains

are hardwired

to produce dopamine

which rewards females

for relationship building

and learning the norms

of society.

How was the hot

Neanderthal intercourse?

Well, it...was uneventful

because he refused to have

intercourse with me.

No sex.

Hoo! That's even kinkier

than I thought.

I -- I can't help

but be a little insulted

given his brain scans,

but..

Julia, that sucks.

I'm sorry.

No. It's okay.

I mean, I'm sure

he's married.

Or, you know,

playing some weird

twisted mind game on me.

Which means

he lacks empathy

which means our studies

are accurate.

It's good!

It's great in fact.

Super great.

[instrumental music]

Ah!

I got something from one

of the mail guys

at work.

Do I want to hear this?

It's the drug Molly.

Is that the one

that make you eat

people's faces off?

No. It's like

the new ecstasy.

Why don't we take it

after Ty goes to sleep?

I'm not sure.

Let me Google it.

Hold on.

Let me see.

How long is jail time

with drugs and kids

in the house?

Oh! It says it varies

from state to state.

- I'm in.

- Take it.

[chuckles]

Babe, that zit looks

really bad.

Yeah. I know. I've gotta

make an appointment

to see a doctor

'cause I -- I,

it feels really deep

or something.

You know, a doctor

is just gonna squeeze

the puss out

which I could easily do.

Haven't you futzed

with my body enough?

I just think it'll help.

- Alright, fine.

- Yes! Sorry! I'm s..

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

I love you so much.

- I love you so much.

- Fix my eardrums

while you're at it.

Okay. Okay.

- Alright. Let's do it.

- Okay, yes! I'm doing it.

- Let's do it.

- Just a sec. Okay.

Oh, it's..

- Ow! Nails that long?

- Sorry.

- You're like a falcon, f***.

- Just take a deep breath.

- Ow!

- Oh, my..

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God,

it's in my eye!

Oh, my God! Oh!

- Karma!

Why did you let me

do that!

Bam! Wait!

Come back! I want..

I want a picture of this.

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