The Female Brain Page #9

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I..

- You know the thing

on my back?

- Yeah?

The thing I was gonna go

see a specialist about

but you couldn't wait

'cause you just wanted

to pop it,

so you popped it?

Yeah, that might be

a, um, cancer tumor.

My God.

- I swear I was just --

- Just trying to help?

I know you may

find this crazy

but I actually

like myself.

I like my crazy,

curly hair!

I like my fingernails

that are jagged

and, and I like

that I bite them!

I like my dry skin

that I don't slough

or exfoliate!

And most of all

I like my approach

to, uh..

What are they called?

Oh! Tumors!

- Would you just stop!

Please?

- I'm sorry.

I just want you to go!

We're done!

- What are you doing?

- I -- I -- I just

want to be me.

And I don't want you to

keep trying to change me

like you have.

I can't do it anymore.

So you're breaking up

with me in a hospital?

Yeah. I'm breaking up

with you in a hospital.

I'm sure that

you could think

of better ways to do it

uh, to improve

our break up.

Maybe in a park

with a pond

and a couple of swans

swimming in the

background.

Or a beach

and a nice sunset

and a pina colada.

I'm sure that you could

think of several ways

to improve our break up

but it doesn't matter,

because we're done.

So would you please go?

There's somebody here

to try and help me.

To actually help me.

So, please..

Please go.

Okay.

[exhales]

Oh, Jesus. What, what

are you taking now?

Oh, I have

a killer migraine.

It's from

my birth control.

Okay. Well, why don't

you go off it?

Because then I would

have a baby

and that would probably

lead to more migraines.

Okay, well, how long

have you been on

birth control?

Ugh!

Since I was like 13

or something?

I'm so emotional

without it.

Everything makes me cry.

Okay, Abby,

you cannot just

manipulate

your personality

with chemicals

for your entire life.

Why? That's exactly

what you do.

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

Steven!

If you think

I'm embarrassed

about this, I'm not.

[Steven groans]

This didn't work,

did it?

I don't think

Molly is designed

for people over forty.

This whole thing.

I mean, we didn't

have sex on Molly.

It didn't

even occur to us.

Who doesn't

have sex on ecstasy?

It's "Occur."

And I think

we're probably putting

too much stress on this.

We have spent

time together.

We haven't spent

time together.

I've been nice to you.

I've been mean to you.

I give you space.

I don't give you space.

We have tried everything.

Nothing has worked.

Well..

I mean, there's always

couples therapy.

We don't need it.

I don't have

a problem with you.

I don't ever get mad

at you. I don't want..

I don't need you

to change anything.

I've already changed

everything

about myself for you.

Everything.

But...there is one thing

that we haven't

tried yet.

I never thought

I'd say this

but for once in my life

I don't want to have

a threesome.

I just don't want

someone else seeing

how awkward

it is between us.

No. It's not that.

There's something else

that we haven't tried.

It's gonna sound weird,

but..

What if we

called it quits?

Whoa!

Don't you feel like this

has just run its course?

I don't know.

I mean, I just

always expected it

to be like this,

you know?

You get married,

it get boring,

you stick it out.

Everybody told me

it'll be like this,

so I just..

- Just expected it.

- We don't have to be

a cliche.

Give me one reason,

one reason why we should

stay together.

One reason? The house!

Our cell phone plan.

I mean, we get

three phones

for the price of one.

I mean, and to cancel

would be a nightmare.

I mean, they keep you

on hold forever.

- We should

just stay together.

- I mean, yeah.

We're going to

stay together

because of our phone bill

because we're too lazy

to change it.

So are you...divorcing me?

Oh, you wanna stay

together?

- Hell no.

- There we go.

Twelve years is already

a success.

I mean, most of the people

don't even last

half of what we did.

- What?

- What about Ty?

Uh..

M -- maybe. It's not..

It -- it's maybe.

- Right? Maybe.

- Just a maybe.

- Like, that much.

- Like, possibly.

That much maybe.

That we're going to,

uh, separate.

- Separate.

- Yeah.

Okay, cool.

Whatever.

[instrumental music]

There's my baby girl!

- Ooh! Muah! Muah!

- Muah! Muah

Look at you!

You look so..

- What?

- Are you okay?

Why haven't you

been sleeping?

Oh, ah..

It's, um, allergies.

I've, uh, um..

Yeah, well..

But why are you so tall?

- What's going on?

- Oh!

- It's those

magic sneakers.

- Oh, right.

You wear them for an hour,

you can burn 300 calories.

- No. You don't, mom.

- No?

- I tried them.

They lost a lawsuit.

- Ah.

Um, where is dad?

The birthday boy.

You know, I had to

send him back

to change his suit.

He looked ridiculous.

You know your father.

I think he'd wear

a tracksuit all day

if I let him.

- Where's Adam?

- Uh..

Oh, um, yeah,

he's at.. Uh..

Uh, we've,

we -- we're having a..

Just a little,

a break at the moment.

Yeah, um..

But.. He..

Actually he got his

own place

so, it might be

a big break.

Oh, what did you do?

Why do you assume

I did something?

Okay. What did he do?

[sighs]

Well, I..

I think I just loved him

too much

and he couldn't handle it.

- What happened?

- Well, uh..

I was helping him and..

- What are you doing?

- Oh, no, I..

I -- I read this article

that you can work out

your buttocks

if you do this

for a minute, every time

you have a conversation.

Oh! Hi! Sandy.

- Hi!

- People are here.

Darling, don't you want

to change?

I am changed.

This is my outfit.

Well, perhaps you should,

like, put up your hair

or something.

- Mom, stop it.

- D -- darling, what

happened to your eyebrows?

- Mom. Stop it.

- No, really?

You're just hiding

your face.

I mean, you're a pretty

girl and you just

can't hide your face

with those..

- Shh. Please. Just stop.

- Look how beautiful

you look!

- How adorable --

- Ha-ha.. Just stop.

I'm just trying to help.

Ah!

[hammering]

[sighs]

- Uh, excuse me?

- Oh.

What are you doing, man?

Oh! The, uh, lady hired me

to fix this.

Uh, I'm sorry, man.

I'll be out of here

in like a minute.

Oh, I'm.. Well, she's not

authorized to do that.

I'm the man

and I'm in charge

of what goes on

in this house, so..

Okay, uh, good to know,

but I've got

a work order, so..

Well, I'm the lady's

husband and

it's canceled, so..

Okay, well,

I'm the contractor,

so I'm gonna finish it.

And just to let you know

whoever did this before

idiot, a dumb person.

- Only a dumb person

puts caulking on a wall.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A stupid person

that's an idiot, so..

I will smash your face

with that hammer.

- Just, uh..

- Just maybe.

You touch me

with that hammer,

I'm gonna sue your ass.

Oh, well,

I'll see you in court.

I'll be the one

with the most powerful

legal team in the country.

Mm, you know that's

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