The Five-Year Engagement Page #12

Yeah.

(LAUGHS)

Alex keeps him company without

also having sex with him.

I assume.

What does that mean?

Mommy, do Elmo voice.

(MIMICKING ELMO) Elmo thinks you

should do what you feel is right.

(LAUGHING)

Well, I don't really know what I think is right.

I think I'm just...

You know, time will

tell, I think.

(MIMICKING ELMO) Elmo

thinks time will tell.

Would you mind not

doing that Elmo voice?

'Cause really, you're repeating

back what I'm saying.

Honestly, (MIMICKING ELMO) Elmo thinks

you should sh*t or get off the pot.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Aunt Violet,

do Cookie Monster.

(MIMICKING COOKIE MONSTER) Me think

that's a really rude thing to say, Elmo.

(LAUGHING)

Elmo say it been five years,

almost five years.

You either love him,

or you don't.

Me love him, but it's

very complicated.

Cookie doesn't get

everything handed to him

on a (WHISPERS) f***ing

silver platter like Elmo.

Cookie got the

career he wanted.

Tom moved to Michigan

so Cookie could work.

Okay. Elmo wanted

to be a kinesiologist

and instead, Elmo is cleaning

puke off her shirt every day.

Well, maybe as nice

as these little Elmos are,

Elmo should have considered

using protection.

"C" is for condom. That's

good enough for me.

Elmo is very happy with

Elmo's little Elmos, okay?

Elmo would just like

a break once in a while.

Fine.

Elmo never gets a break.

This is fine. But this is precisely

why Cookie wants to take the time

to consider if he's picked

the right cookie for his life.

Well, maybe Elmo thinks

there is no right cookie.

You just pick one

and take a bite.

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Sorry.

(MIMICKING ELMO)

Elmo is sorry, too.

(SIGHS)

Whose was better?

Mommy's better.

(MIMICKING ELMO) The worst choice

you can make is no choice at all.

Okay? Snack time!

Time for a snack.

Huh? It's time

for a snack.

(EXCLAIMING PLAYFULLY)

My favorite! Just kidding.

I love you both.

Come get a snack.

What time is your flight?

Um... 1235.

This is stupid.

What are we doing?

What do you mean?

I drive a taco truck.

Okay? I can work anywhere,

and it's just ridiculous.

It's stupid for us

not to give this another shot.

Because I love you so much.

And I'm not going

to let you go.

Do you remember

the day that we first met?

The New Year's Eve party.

Yeah, how can I forget?

Do you remember how a year

later, we made that list

of what our marriage

would be like?

We were going to have 50 kids.

If I recall,

we settled on 25.

We did settle on 25.

That was so dumb.

(LAUGHS)

Okay, I'm going to need you

to pull off on this exit.

Why?

Just pull over on

this exit over here.

No, we can just...

Tom, you're going to miss it!

Quick. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

What are you doing?

Sorry. I'm sorry.

It was just imperative that we

stopped at the exit. Well, why?

Because I'm trying

to propose to you.

I don't think that

we can figure out

all of our problems

before we get married.

And I'm pretty sure

we'll have some after.

But I promise you that

I will just love you

every step of the way.

So, yes or no?

I was going to re-propose to you

when we got to the airport.

(LAUGHING) You were? Tom.

Oh, Tom.

(WHISPERS) I love it.

It's a ruby.

(LAUGHING)

What do you say?

What do you say?

I asked you first.

You've made me, like, the

happiest girl in the world.

Okay, I'm going to need you to

go off to Alamo Square now.

What are you talk...

I'm going to need you to go

to Alamo Square please, babe.

What are you talking about?

Babe, please, just do it.

Don't think about it.

Just drive.

Do you have, like,

a thing planned?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Hey, what are you doing? Did you

come to pick up the receipts?

Did you buy it?

Yes, he bought it.

I can't believe this.

I told you he would.

What is going on?

Here. Come on!

This way, babe.

We're on site.

"On site"?

(TOM LAUGHING)

Okay, we have some

fast decisions to make.

Do you want a string quartet,

or a New Orleans brass band?

What about synthesizer dude?

VIOLET:
Oh, I have no idea who that is.

He must have just shown up.

Oh. New Orleans brass band.

New Orleans brass band.

All right!

(BAND PLAYING DIXIELAND MUSIC)

(GIGGLES)

Okay, do you want

Jewish, Christian,

extreme Christian,

Buddhist,

Justice of the Peace?

Justice of the Peace.

Justice of the Peace.

TOM:
Oh, my God!

Okay, tuxes,

I've got three tuxes.

Standard, vintage,

Hawaiian casual?

Uh... Vintage.

Vintage.

Dad!

No time. No time.

All right now.

Get them off.

Dad, protect me.

(ALL CLAMORING)

Whoo! Mum! Suzie.

Mum, I think I

need to step into it.

Come on, Sylvia.

All right, all right, I'm going to drop

the sheet in three, two, one. Drop it.

No, no. Not me.

Just wait until the wedding.

Right.

Yes.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, of course.

Okay. Oh, Mum, my hair.

Hair on the move.

Hair on the move.

(BAND PLAYING

WEDDING MUSIC)

VIOLET:
Spin around, Dad.

Here's the ring.

Is it done, Mum?

Yes, it's beautiful.

SUZIE:
Ready?

Yeah.

Ready? One, two, three.

One, two, three.

There we go.

Wow.

(GIGGLES)

TOM:
Beautiful.

Okay. Okay.

I love you, darling.

I love you, Mum.

Love you. Love you.

Bye, Dad.

Thank you.

You should get down there.

You must be out

of your mind.

I'm never letting go

of this hand again.

(LAUGHING)

Come on.

(INAUDIBLE)

JUSTICE OF THE PEACE: It has been

a longer trip for Tom and Violet

than it has

for most couples.

And yet the very

nature of...

You know what? You can just...

Just, you can skip it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, it's two minutes

to midnight.

Got anyone to kiss at New Year's?

(LAUGHS)

Is that the best

you've got?

Kind of.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Do you?

Yes.

Do you?

Yes.

You may kiss the bride.

Yeah!

(ALL CHEERING)

Whoo!

Whoo-hoo!

Oh, yay!

Yay!

I'm proud of you!

(LAUGHING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(SNIFFS)

Mom!

Whoo!

You finally did it,

you f***ing a**holes!

I love you.

We love you guys, too.

In fact, it makes us

feel like singing!

(SINGING ROMANTIC

SPANISH SONG)

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