The Five-Year Engagement Page #11

You shouldn't

be eating them.

It's good.

It's why we're here.

We're here to eat, right?

So, um,

how about Violet?

How is she doing?

I don't know. You know?

She still with

that professor guy?

I don't know.

CAROL:
What are you doing?

What are you doing, Tom?

I'm just... I'm trying

to eat my breakfast, Ma.

I mean with Violet, and you know it.

Three grandparents are gone.

Your grandparents, long gone. You

know who goes next, don't you?

Us. We go next.

Jesus, Dad.

Please don't do this, guys.

He's not kidding.

Not kidding.

He's on three different

heart medications.

That's right. Three of them.

Mmm-hmm.

What are you talking about?

Since when?

Since my last

heart attack.

Dad, you had a heart attack?

(SIGHS)

I had two, actually.

The last one was right

after Mom's cancer scare.

A cancer scare?

What are you...

Why didn't you guys

tell me any of this?

PETE:
Well, we didn't

want to bother you.

No. It wasn't your affair.

Well, is there anything else

you guys haven't told me?

Well, what else have we...

There's a lot we haven't told you, darling.

We don't share everything.

Your mother was...

She was briefly hospitalized

for emotional issues.

Well, yes, that's true.

Yeah.

We told you we were in a

timeshare on Sanibel Island.

Wait, you guys have gone

there, like, four times.

Well, at least one of the

times, we weren't really there.

I had vaginal reconstruction

surgery last year.

PETE:
That stuff

really works.

And that's why we don't share

everything with our children.

I think I understand why

I have communication issues.

Thank you.

Ma.

Maybe you should slow down

on the Bloody Marys.

I don't think

you need any more.

Oh.

Let her have it.

CAROL:
You're going to

tell me what to do? No.

Let her have a drink.

I am going to ask you again.

What are you doing with Violet?

You're being dumb.

You are being so

f***ing dumb, you idiot.

You love Violet.

I love Violet,

your father loves Violet

and you're letting her go?

F*** you, you dummy.

Wow.

(LAUGHING) Since when do

you talk like this?

It's not funny, Tom.

Okay, fine.

What are you doing?

Look, we're not 100%

right for each other.

And so, there's

nothing to be said.

CAROL:
I got news

for you, moron,

your father and I, we're not

even 90% right for each other.

Not even 60, okay?

But he's the love of my life.

And right now, the love of

your life is going to fly away

and I bet somewhere in the back

of your mind, you're thinking

that she'll always be there

if you want to try again,

but you know what? She won't,

because she's the goddamned best!

And some lucky guy is going to make

it work with her no matter what.

Instead of settling for some

who probably doesn't know

who the f***ing Beatles are.

Had to be said.

Hi, I missed you today.

That's nice.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Listen, I need to

(SMACKS ups)

talk to you about

something, Audrey.

What's behind

those eyes, Tom?

My ex-fiance has

been on my mind a lot

and I feel like that's

something I need to explore.

Well, she's an old b*tch!

There.

I just explored it for you.

Done?

(SOFTLY) It's hard to have

this conversation with you.

You need to explore it, Tom?

You were with her for five f***ing years.

That's a really long time.

What else is there

to learn about her?

(GROWLS) Oh, God!

I don't really know

the answer to that,

but I just think

I need to find out.

What are you thinking?

You're so stupid.

You're so stupid.

You're going to leave me?

You're going to leave this?

For saggy tits and

a loose vagina? Really?

Oh, God!

I'm sorry to do this to you.

Shut the f*** up.

You know what?

You should just go, Tom.

Just go. Go have fun.

Have fun with your old woman.

Go f***ing read

at night together.

You can go through

menopause together.

And you can go get

your little prostates checked.

Check each other

for lumps all the time

and do those kinds

of things together.

And then go get some Crocs,

so your back doesn't hurt.

And then you can

go walk on the beach

and f*** each other with

your gross, wrinkly balls.

That's another thing.

You're getting f***ing fat.

It's really hard to

have sex with someone

when you can't breathe

underneath them.

Can't breathe! Like, I feel like

I'm going to die every time.

(SIGHS)

You should leave.

I'm going to say mean things.

(SOFTLY) Bye

(BABY WAILING)

PRIEST:
He makes me lie

down in green pastures

and leads me

beside still waters.

He shall refresh my soul and guide

me in the path of righteousness...

You're my good one.

(WAILING LOUDLY)

I am so mad, Alex,

when you say that.

ALEX:
At least I'm not

the one failing as a parent.

It's all right.

It's all right.

ALEX:
Give him

a couple Vicodin.

Wow. Hi.

Hi.

Hello.

Hello, Gideon.

Didn't expect

to see you.

Just came to say

goodbye properly.

To my grandmother or...

Yeah. We actually grew pretty

close towards the end.

Oh, yeah?

So, how are you and Tom?

Any kids yet?

Mmm...

No. Tom and I split up

a little while ago, so...

Oh! I'm sorry.

It has been four

years, of course.

Hmm?

Nothing. I...

No, go on. What?

"Four years, of course" what?

Doesn't make sense.

That's what you do.

Is it? Is it what I do? Well,

let me just tell you something.

Tom and I split up

because it wasn't working.

Not because we weren't perfect

enough for each other.

Not because I had him

on a four-year timeline.

Okay'? So don't...

Um...

This is my daughter.

Sorry.

She's four.

This is what

four looks like.

Hello.

What's your name?

Violet.

Regret calling her

that now.

Keep meaning to changed it,

but it's a lot of paperwork.

And I don't want

to confuse her.

Come on, darling. Let's go

and look at the coffin.

Tom.

Hi.

I'm just realizing now, it

might be totally inappropriate

for me to just

show up like this

but Alex and Suzie

told me what happened.

I'm so sorry about

Grandma Katherine.

She was sort of the only person in

your family who was ever nice to me.

And I just felt

like I should come.

But if that's inappropriate,

or weird at all,

I can totally go

back to the hotel

or take a tour of the Tower

of London, or something.

No, no, it's not.

It's...

It's really nice

to see you.

It's nice to

see you, too.

(LAUGHS)

So, what do we do now?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Fall semester doesn't

start until August 14th.

I know that this

sounds crazy,

but why don't you just come

back to San Francisco with me?

You could see your sister and we could

spend a couple of weeks together.

We don't have to worry

about what it means.

Then we'll go

our separate ways.

Okay.

Just, separately, like, I think it's

time to take down the Wham! posters.

(BOTH LAUGH)

(INDISTINCT)

Yeah?

Whoo!

Thank you.

(LAUGHING)

I'm getting all

pieces that are here.

VIOLET:
Here, use these ones.

(TOY CLATTERS)

VIOLET:
Oops! Ooh...

We lost a tower.

SUZIE:
Oh, no, the tower.

VIOLET:
That's it.

So, you know I'm keeping Tom

company this week, right?

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