The Five-Year Engagement Page #10

You know that

experiment that I initiated,

which was based

on the fact that

people who ate old donuts

had emotional deficiencies

and problems with commitment?

And, you know, the results

were very accurate with it.

And so when I saw you,

um, really going to town on a

plate of old donuts, it...

It freaked me out.

Tom?

Hello?

(FEIGNS LAUGHTER)

I think that that is,

like, the dumbest thing

that I have ever heard.

You know what?

I never said anything,

but your entire

premise is bullshit.

Okay? And would

you like to know why?

Because these imaginary new

donuts that you offer people,

they may never arrive.

Okay, they're not real.

And me, personally,

I am not the type of person

who wants to sit around

and wait for something

that might never arrive

when they know that the thing

they have in front of them is...

It's tasty!

It's good, okay?

And you know what?

It's not about the age of the

donut, it's about the flavor. Boom.

And you know the other thing?

The new donuts,

they're going to get

stale someday, too.

And this is exactly

what I did not want to happen

when I sent that email.

I think I should just go.

Yeah, no.

Yeah, you should go.

You're clearly

very upset and...

I don't even know

what I said.

Everything just turned red.

It's so hot back here.

It's why people are always

fighting in the Middle East.

It's just, you get so hot.

Tom,

I'm going to go, okay?

Yeah.

Happy birthday.

Okay.

Bye.

Goodbye.

(LAUGHING) ls somebody crying?

Sorry.

Dude, what's up?

I don't know what

I'm doing, dude.

I just got off the phone with Violet.

And I just feel f***ing...

I don't know.

(SIGHS)

I don't know how

I ended up here.

Can I be honest with you?

You shouldn't be here

working in my restaurant, man.

You should be running

your own restaurant.

You're a better chef than me,

you always have been.

Everybody here knows it.

Tom, you're fired.

I'm firing you.

Pack your knives and go.

(LAUGHS)

That's Top Chef.

Yeah, that's Top Chef.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

Seeing you chop

onions is depressing.

It's like watching

Michael Jordan take a sh*t.

He could probably get it in the

toilet from, like, 30 feet away.

(LAUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY)

Three-pointer

from the living room.

Nothing but porcelain.

Poosh.

Poosh.

Poosh.

I think about 13 miles to the

gallon, city, 15, highway.

There's a bit of

blood spatter in the back.

I think it's haunted.

Great crash rating, though.

So, what are you

going to be using it for?

Food service.

Oh, buddy.

TOM:
All right, we're going

to need two more venison.

Sorry for the holdup,

everybody.

How's my taco coming?

We good?

Let's get it.

Thanks, I'll see you tomorrow?

All right.

I just want you to know,

I've had tacos in Oahu.

I've had tacos in Baja.

I've had tacos

in Port-au-Prince.

I've had tacos

in Buenos Aires.

I've even had

tacos in Guatemala.

These are the best motherfucking

tacos I have ever had.

You're a white guy.

You make tacos like a Mexican.

Thanks.

Give me a hug.

Oh, really?

Give me a hug, now!

All right.

Mmm! You smell like a taco.

Okay, can we get

those tacos ready?

As you know, we have a sufficiency

of qualified candidates

for a position in

your department,

but you got it.

Congratulations.

You're being promoted to assistant

professor, tenure track. Congratulations.

Holy sh*t!

(LAUGHING)

Sorry, that was really

inappropriate, it's just...

Shoot, I am so thrilled.

Thank you.

Congratulations.

Professor Walch.

Bravo, bravo.

Thank you, Professor.

Fudge.

Wonderful.

Doug?

Hey.

Heard your news.

Congratulations.

Thanks.

Yeah.

Where are you going?

Uh... On my way to

University of North Dakota.

Oh! Well, that's good.

Yeah. No, no, it's great.

I'm excited.

I'm going to be a pioneer.

I'm going to be the first

black guy to freeze to death.

It's going to be cool.

Yeah, I'm pumped up about it.

Cool.

Yeah.

It's just like that song.

I get knocked down,

except I get up

again in North Dakota,

which is the worst

place on Earth.

I'm sorry.

You know what? I'm overreacting.

It's going to be great.

And I couldn't keep up with you and Winton.

I couldn't compete, so...

(SCOFFS)

What do you mean by that?

I mean, come on,

you know what I mean.

I don't.

You know what I mean.

Yeah, well, it's not

really like that.

Uh... No, it's a fact.

Yeah, well, that's not

why I got the...

Ah. A little bit.

Okay.

VIOLET:
Hey.

Hey. Here she is.

So, congratulations.

Thank you.

She got the job? Motherf***er!

Shh!

It's very exciting.

How long do you think

I have to decide,

you know, whether

to take it or not?

Sorry, I don't

understand the question.

Oh, the position.

I'm just wondering how

long I've got to decide

on whether

I should take it.

Well, you have to take it.

You've got no choice.

Can I ask you something?

Yeah.

Did I get the job

because I deserved it

or did I get it because you're

trying to keep me here?

You got it because

you deserved it.

Okay. So, I was

the strongest candidate.

Of course you were.

Okay, we should

not be watching this.

You're right,

we shouldn't.

WINTON:
I mean, these things

are inherently subjective,

but I certainly feel that

we made the right choice, yes.

I think I just need

you to say "yes" or "no"

as to whether I was

the strongest candidate.

Well, why does it

matter so much?

Because it matters to me. You know,

I want to deserve to be here.

Was I the best?

Who's to say who's

the best or the worst?

I'm better than she is.

No, you're not. It goes

Violet, me, you, then Doug.

What do these

labels even mean?

Look, just answer me.

Did I deserve the job

or did I get it because you're

trying to keep me here?

It's very simple, Winton.

Violet, why don't

you trust me?

If you make me answer

that question,

you're violating our

unspoken agreement of faith.

What does that mean?

What are you talking about?

Well, the question

itself is an accusation.

And I, personally, refuse to

answer an illogical question.

Thanks, Spock.

Spock.

That's a good one. Yeah.

That's a good one.

I mean, it seems that your refusal

to answer means that it's true.

I'll tell you who's the best.

Ming.

Yes! I knew it.

(IN SING-SONG) I'm the

best, I'm the best.

What the f***?

Ming is the best.

VIOLET:
So, you cheated

to get me the job.

So what if I cheated to get the

woman I love to stick around?

I have a question.

Would you have even considered

my donut experiment

if Doug had suggested it?

Of course not.

(SCOFFING)

WOW!

Wow.

Okay.

In a way, Ming, it's like

their whole relationship

was the donut experiment.

Nice.

Thank you.

Fine, fine, fine.

There will be new

students next year.

There's always a new Violet.

Oh, no!

Oh!

VANEETHA:
He did not.

Um...

Oh.

This was...

Yeah.

Oh, my God!

VANEETHA:
Turn off the light. Turn

off the light, turn off the light.

Violet.

These pancakes are delicious.

Mmm.

They put a cinnamon glaze.

They're dreamy.

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