The Five-Year Engagement Page #9

You gotta be kidding me.

Ah!

Tom!

(CHEERING)

Ah!

MARGARET:
Tom?

TOM:
Margaret.

He)!

He)'

Guys, this is Tom.

We work together.

You want to go

get some food?

I got the keys

to Zingerman's.

Come in. Shh!

Oh, my God, I'm going to hit

the City Goat wicked hard.

I would eat that.

I'm so hungry.

What have you got?

The potato salad?

I'm drunk, dude.

Yeah, me, too.

(LAUGHING)

Look.

Oh, man, holy sh*t.

Oh!

Tell me you haven't

fantasized about that.

(CHUCKLING)

Actually, I haven't.

Mmm!

That's really good.

You taste

the fennel pollen?

There's Marrakech

pepper in there, too.

And smoked paprika.

No, wait, now me. Do me.

What are you doing?

Come on. (SCREAMS)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

This is weird.

Right?

Yeah.

Wait, you got a little...

You got a little

bit right there.

I think it's

everywhere. Wait.

Just a little.

I think you're cute.

This is really silly.

You're going to...

Well, don't take my...

I don't want to be... Whoa!

Wait.

Wait.

No, hold on. We should

wait about that.

(TOM STAMMERING)

MARGARET:

Hang on, look.

Stop and think about this before...

Oh, f*** me!

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

Sriracha!

No,no,no!

It's hot pepper.

Oh, my God!

Oh, God, I'm sorry.

Oh, sh*t! Here. Come

here, cheese helps.

(SCREAMING)

Oh, my God!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Sh*t, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Okay.

I don't...

Here, just do it.

I have an idea. I have an idea.

What?

You ready?

What are you doing?

Excuse me, sir. Could you

please pass the Grey Poupon?

(BLOWING RASPBERRY)

I totally just

thought of that.

Well, I mean, I thought of

it, like, the other night.

I have to go

to the bathroom.

Are you okay?

Oh, no.

(TOM GROANING)

(SLURRING SPEECH) Violet.

I didn't mean to do that.

Violet.

(SOBBING) I'm sorry.

I didn't want to do that.

You f***ing idiot.

The cold makes you

have a baby dick.

Oh, God, what's happening?

Where am I?

Sir, sir, can you help me?

I'm frozen.

Oh, God,

what's happening?

My toe! (SOBBING)

God, my toe!

Hi.

I did something

really bad last night.

Yeah.

Tarquin brought your pants back

to the hospital, so I kind of

put two and two

together, you know.

I'm sorry I keep smiling.

I know what's

happening is so bad,

but I'm on all

of this Percocet.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

I'm not happy-

I know that.

Neither am I.

I'm just not the man

that I want to be right now.

I don't think I

can be the husband

that you need me

to be right now.

I think I've made you

very, very unhappy here.

You know, and I don't know

how to make it right anymore.

Almost perfect

for each other.

Sorry.

Sorry.

(INDISTINCT)

Bye.

This smells incredible.

Hey. Thank you.

You're like the king

of the kitchen. Oh.

Dinner is served.

(CHUCKLING)

Thank you.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Happy Thanksgiving,

darling.

Oh, thank you.

This is so exciting,

being together.

Every summer, we'll have

eight weeks off,

which we can spend

in my lodge in Nova Scotia,

where we can

work on our papers.

And then, every seven years

we'll have a sabbatical,

which we can enjoy in Wales

on my family's farm.

That's a lot of planning.

I'm getting ahead

of myself. I'm sorry.

Bon apptit.

Thank you.

All right, dig in.

I am ravenous.

Oh, man.

Baby, that meal

was amazing.

Oh, thanks.

Thank you.

What do you

want to do now?

I don't know, it's

Thanksgiving and I'm stuffed.

I thought maybe we

could just hang out here

and have a kind

of mellow evening.

Yeah, I love

a mellow evening.

Yeah!

Go faster, faster!

Come on!

I'm trying. No!

Ow!Ow!Ow!

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I don't like that.

I could just do this forever.

Yeah.

I just need a break.

Okay.

I need a break.

Okay.

Go f***ing faster, Tom!

(GRUNTING)

(INDIAN CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)

Tom, be more

Indian than that.

(FAST LATIN MUSIC PLAYING)

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

(DANCE HALL MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT TALKING ON TV)

Let's paint.

Let's paint.

What?

Let's paint. Let's paint.

Let's paint.

I don't understand... We're

making art together.

But why do we

need goggles?

This is a new level

of our relationship.

(SIGHING)

This feels dumb.

We've reached

a plateau.

This feels dumb.

WOMAN ON TV:
We have unfinished business.

Is this about revenge?

I'm so bored.

(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)

(WHISPERING) I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

(IN MASCULINE VOICE)

I love you, too, Audrey.

I love you.

Please stop doing

that to my face.

Why? I just want to see your

eyes, they're so pretty.

Tom, that was

really aggressive.

I'm sorry.

Apology accepted.

I forgive you.

Okay.

Okay.

Babe, really, honestly...

It's, like, raw down there

at this point. I gotta sleep.

Faster!

Tommy, go faster!

F***.

Oh, my God, Tom!

(COMPUTER CHIMES)

TOM:
Hey, Violet, happy birthday.

Just thinking of you.

Looks like the Michigan psych

department has been busy.

I found this

on the Internet.

Not sure if you're

aware of it.

Anyways, hope all is well.

Love, Tom.

You just go to sleep,

and then upon completion of the

experiment, you will receive $35 check.

(LAUGHING)

The subject is asleep.

Time for the experiment.

Let's see what happens.

Pour blood

all over his body.

Cover his body

in feathers.

It's time to put

a gun in his hand.

Oh, my God!

Now, the final step.

I'm going to yell, "Wake up!"

inside of his ear.

Let's see what happens.

(SCREAMING) Wake up!

(GUN FIRES)

Oh, my God!

(SCREAMING)

TARQUIN:
You motherf***er!

MING:
No, no, help!

No, please!

TARQUIN:
What the f***?

You motherf***er!

ALEX:
How we

doing over here?

Nice work, Jay.

Let me take over

for a little bit,

I want to hang out

with these nice people.

Tommy boy!

Yo, what's up, buddy?

Hear my Maserati broke down?

No, really?

ALEX:
Yeah.

You think I could

get a tow?

All right, Alex,

I have no toe, okay?

We get it. Thank you.

No toe.

(PHONE RINGING)

ALEX:
(LAUGHING)

He has terrible balance.

Yo, phone call,

is that cool?

Totally.

Toe-tally.

TOM:
Violet.

Hi.

Hey, happy birthday.

Thank you.

Wow, it's nice

to hear from you.

Yeah, you, too.

It's been a long time, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's been a long time.

Yeah.

Is everything good?

Everything's good.

Yeah, yeah.

How's... How's you?

How's Winton?

He's good.

How's Audrey?

She's, you know,

it's the same old Audrey.

Same "old" Audrey.

On. Right.

Because she's a baby.

She is a child.

How about Winton?

Is it fun to have sex with

a 100-year-old man? Ha-ha!

Oh, don't do that.

I got it.

You're right.

Hey, I have

a fun birthday game.

Okay.

Feel like playing a game?

Yeah. Depends.

Okay.

Like, what was

the actual moment

when you knew that

things were over?

Let's not do that.

I mean, I know I left a loaded

crossbow on the kitchen table.

Yeah, you did do that.

I hooked up

with a co-worker...

And then you

ate the old donut.

What did you

say about a donut?

I didn't, I just said...

It doesn't matter.

What?

I think it's going to sound really stupid

when I say it out loud. Okay. Um...

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