The Five-Year Engagement Page #8

to tell you that

I needed something

different tonight,

and that's it.

Okay, here it comes.

Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.

Okay, shut up, shut up, shut up.

This is amazing.

Mmm!

No! No, no, no.

What were we thinking? I mean, I

was wrong, obviously. Totally.

I'm with Tom.

Yeah.

I'm taken.

I know.

I'm with Tom.

I apologize.

I'm going to go find Tom.

I know that.

It was a friend kissing a friend.

This was bad.

I kissed you

and you kissed

your boss.

Who are you texting?

I'm texting myself.

Yourself?

I am very drunk and I

will not remember this.

Hey, Tom!

Hey!

Hey, babe.

Hey.

I've been looking for you.

You're drunk, sweetie.

No, I'm not.

And you didn't

come home last night.

VIOLET:
I know, because I've been

thinking about stuff, and I just...

What have you

been thinking?

I love you,

and you love me.

And I just think that,

why on Earth

would we put it

off any longer?

Because... I'll tell

you why we put it off.

Because we both decided

we had too many problems

and we were going to put the wedding

off until things got better.

Which was dumb as balls.

That was so dumb, Tom.

And I have been dumb,

saying that.

Please, I just want

to marry you, Tom.

Please?

Are you serious?

Yeah.

I'm so serious. I don't

know what we've been doing.

I have no idea why we've been

putting it off and waiting

and shifting

and this and that,

and dicking around.

It's like...

I just love you so much.

Madly.

So badly, Tom.

I just want to...

I just want

to get married.

TARQUIN:
Yeah,

that's super sanitary.

You're making boner

impressions in the dough.

(CHUCKLES)

TARQUIN:
Are you going

to puke?

Oh, sh*t.

Did you just

f***ing eat it?

TOM:
(CHUCKLING)

Baby, did you eat it?

Ugh.

That's disgusting.

(RETCHING)

VIOLET:
Sorry.

I'm cool.

(RETCHING)

Sorry, Tarquin.

You know, that would have been way less

gross if you'd just puked everywhere.

All we have available that

weekend is our accordionist.

I love accordion. Great.

Me, too.

The Chos never made it to the altar,

so you can have this one for cheap.

Awesome.

Great.

And if you don't have a venue, my

brother Randy has a barbeque joint.

It's pretty killer.

Oh, sweet.

Perfect.

What does that say?

Yeah, it says,

"I don't read Korean."

All right,

I was just asking.

I'm just telling you.

I-46.

What do you think?

I think I love it.

Should we just book this place for

the rehearsal dinner as well?

Yes.

Great.

Done.

Done.

Sounds great to me.

Hi.

Hello.

Hello.

We were wondering,

do you do weddings?

You both Jewish?

Yeah.

Mmm!

I'm so excited

for tomorrow night.

Yeah.

Our rehearsal dinner.

I can't believe it.

It's finally here.

What's going on?

Nothing. Nada.

Something. What's up?

Winton kissed me.

What?

It meant nothing.

When?

It was a few weeks ago.

He was drunk and he didn't

mean what he was doing, Tom.

It was a stupid mistake.

He was drunk.

He's not coming

tomorrow night.

No, he's not.

I will tell him that.

This will never,

ever happen again.

I promise.

(SIGHS) I really wish you

hadn't told me that.

I'm sorry.

(R&B MUSIC PLAYING)

Is this going to happen?

Yes.

It's going to happen.

Because it's fine

if it's not.

Yeah, it's going to happen.

It's about to happen.

(SHUDDERING)

Did you just fake orgasm?

No.

He kissed me, Tom!

Okay, you know what'?

That is a cop out.

That is not fair.

Yes, he may have been

the one who kissed you,

but there is a reason that he

felt like that was an option.

You know that's the truth.

I'm going to go

sleep on the couch.

Tom.

Tom, come on.

Okay, no, you want to know something?

For the record,

I did fake that orgasm.

And I bet you probably couldn't even tell.

That's right.

Men can do it, too.

Hurts, doesn't it?

I'm going to

sleep out front.

Don't.

You're not the boss of me.

SUZIE:
I'm really proud

of you guys.

I'm really glad you're finally doing it.

Yes. You're doing it.

We're finally here,

we made it.

ALEX:
Hey, hey, don't cancel.

SUZIE:
No, please

don't cancel.

Tom.

You know.

You've got 24 hours left. You've

got just 24 hours to get through.

And you could be

as happy as we are.

Yeah.

We're so happy.

I love you. I love you.

You drive me

f***ing crazy.

Oh, God!

Oh, f***.

I don't care who's watching.

I got a huge boner.

Hey, everyone.

Tom, you're so lucky,

because Violet is

like a princess.

You know when

you're a little kid

and you see Cinderella or

Sleeping Beauty or whatever,

and you're like,

"I want to f*** that."

You get to.

I think that

came out wrong.

In my head, it...

It sounded sweeter in my head.

Does that make...

I'm an alcoholic.

I just wanted to say

that I've only known

Violet and Tom

for a short while,

but their union

is a real mitzvah.

And it is my great

hope that they raise

their children

in the Jewish faith,

so that they, too, may continue our

Zionist struggle against the Arab.

We must continue our fight

against their murderous ways!

Do not give up

the settlements!

(SPEAKING HEBREW)

Next year in Jerusalem!

That's enough

for the toasts.

Let's just start the dancing.

Let's get dancing.

(FOLK TUNE PLAYING)

WINTON:
Psst! Hey, Tom.

What are you doing here?

Tom, I...

(STAMMERING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

I've come to apologize.

My behavior was

totally uncalled for.

Honestly,

it was abhorrent.

But we are going to

be here for a long time

and I just don't want this

thing hanging between us.

You should run.

Hey, Vi.

LI\/in?

What's going on?

Well, now I have to beat

the sh*t out of Winton.

Ready?

No.

Here it comes.

Okay.

Tom, don't. Tom, Tom, Tom!

Here we go.

VIOLET:
Do not

beat up Winton!

Tom!

WINTON:
Stop this, Tom!

This is ridiculous!

You better keep running.

I'm going to

kick your ass!

I said I'm sorry!

You will never get away from me.

I'm a hunter.

WINTON:
Can't we at least

stop and have a rest?

I never rest!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

(CARS HONKING)

(MOCKINGLY) Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Tom! (GRUNTS)

I'm sorry, are you okay?

Why?

F***.

(GRUNTS)

Tom? Tom.

Tom. Come on.

(SCREAMING)

Hey, hey, hey!

Let me help you. Come on.

Okay! Don't touch me.

Don't touch me.

(GROANS)

Tom, I'm sorry, that was instinct.

Listen, are you okay?

Breathe, just breathe,

breathe in.

It will go away. Okay?

I'm sorry, Tom.

I really am. Yeah?

How could you

do this to me?

I haven't done

anything to you.

Violet did something

to you, not me.

If a woman wants to kiss me,

I'm going to f***ing kiss her.

Underneath all

that polite bullshit,

we're all running

on caveman software.

If she's got a husband

or a fianc or a boyfriend,

it's on her conscience,

not mine.

You should run.

Look, Tom, this is ridiculous.

Let's just put a stop to this now.

Please.

Come on, I'm sorry.

I really am.

Winton, if you feel bad about what

you did, then you'll run from me.

Well, okay,

I'll keep running.

I'm off. Sorry.

Okay, I gave you

a head start.

You better run.

Oh, tricky.

(EXCLAIMS)

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