The Five-Year Engagement Page #7
the honey myself.
Tom has become something
of an amateur beekeeper.
It's just at the right stage of fermentation.
(SNIFFS) Here you go.
Drink as much
as you like.
I feel like I'm drinking
out of Chewbacca's dick.
Oh, wow.
That's just honey, huh?
That's really...
It's hurting my teeth.
So, we're having a boy.
Oh, my God!
Yeah!
Congratulations!
Yeah! Thank you!
That is amazing news.
One of each.
A little prince. One of each,
so we're done, that's it.
Oh, I knew it!
SUZIE:
So great.You were boobing out when you came in.
SUZIE:
Yeah.Yeah.
That is so exciting
for you guys.
I couldn't be
happier for you guys.
Thank you.
I'm not sure that I ever
want to have kids.
What is it?
I thought you had always wanted kids.
That's silly.
You know, sometimes the biggest
balls are the ones left unused.
(CHUCKLES)
What the f***
did you just say?
I don't know.
It's an expression.
Do you know what?
I have an idea.
Tom and I are going to take
care of Vanessa tonight.
You two are
going to go out.
And I will prove to you
how fun children are, okay?
Yes. Mmm-hmm.
Yeah, I don't want
Vanessa to take part
in one of her psychological
experiments.
It's not an experiment.
SUZIE:
I'm fine with it.Yes, I am fine doing that.
I need a night out.
You know what, we'll talk
about it and get back to you.
Done, done.
It's done. Come on.
SUZIE:
Honey.Honey?
(WHISPERING) Alex, I do.
You don't understand.
Honey, come on. SUZIE: I
think we're doing it.
He looks like a drifter.
SUZIE:
I don't careif he's a psycho.
You go out every night!
I need this.
Look at him.
SUZIE:
I never go out.I can hear you.
SUZIE:
Do this for me.Do this for me.
When we come back, she'll be
hanging on a hook in the garage.
SUZIE:
Come on. No.ALEX:
I'm telling you.SUZIE:
We're doing it tonight.Do this for me.
Well, it's decided,
we're going out!
All right!
All right.
SUZIE:
We're doing it. Yeah.It's going to be fun.
Put it on the other side.
Like that? Should we try to
make another set of steps?
I gotta go and pee.
Can you just watch her for one second?
Yeah, yeah. Of course.
Okay.
How did this
go in together?
TOM:
I don't know, but it kind oflooks like a train, doesn't it?
I'm going to
put this one here.
This is all I need.
Totally.
(LAUGHING)
Tom, where's Vanessa?
Babe, you have
got to see this.
Tom, where's Vanessa?
What?
Where is she?
You have to keep
an eye on her.
She was literally
just right here.
Okay, but you got to
keep an eye, you know?
Okay, I'm sure she's right around here.
Vanessa?
Vanessa? Vanessa,
where are you?
Oh, my God, Tom!
What are you
talking about? Whoa.
What is your crossbow
doing on the kitchen table?
A crossbow doesn't
clean itself, you know.
What is it doing there?
Hey.
Yeah.
Why don't you... Why don't we
come back out here and play?
No. I'm Pocahontas.
(BOTH SCREAMING)
VIOLET:
Oh, my God!Oh, my God!
All right,
just get to the...
Oh, my God, it's in my leg!
Oh, my God, it's in my leg!
Oh, my God!
(SCREAMING)
Stay calm! Stay calm!
Get it out!
Get it out of my leg!
Get it out of my leg!
Okay! Okay!
I'm gonna pull it out!
No, no, no,
don't pull it out!
That'll ruin the meat.
It's not meat,
it's my leg!
I got it! Stay calm!
Get it out!
(SCREAMING)
That's really in there.
Oh, sh*t.
Oh, my God!
My God.
Ugh!
Just put pressure on it.
What happened?
She shot me
with a crossbow.
What?
I want to punch you in the face right now.
Do you understand that?
I think we should
all just...
My sister had an arrow
in her leg tonight, Tom!
It's not an arrow,
it's a bolt.
ALEX:
Well, I guess we were totally wrong!It's a bolt!
Oh, you're right. You know what,
we're in the wrong, here.
My daughter didn't just witness
herself nearly murdering her aunt!
There was blood
all over the place!
She's up there freaking out right now!
She sh*t her pants!
She hasn't sh*t her pants
in two or three months
and now she's up there,
shitting her pants!
She feels responsible for
injuring her aunt, who she loves!
You understand what
that does to a kid?
You don't! And you don't even give...
You don't care.
It's a good thing you don't
want to be a father,
because you'd be
a terrible father.
And I don't like this. I don't
like this new "Lamb Chop" Tom!
You lost it, bro. Tether's
cut, you're in orbit.
You're out there.
God! I'm so sorry!
I'm sorry, but please
don't be so upset.
PRIEST:
And Grandpa Baba'slast words were,
"I can't wait until
Violet's wedding."
Okay, babe, I gotta go.
I'm really late.
Okay. Mmm. Donuts. Are
you going to eat these?
No, but those are old.
And if you want to
just wait for a minute,
I'll be back with
some fresh ones.
Mmm!
These are fine. I didn't
have to wait at all.
Are you going
to get dressed today?
more of a bunny day.
Yeah.
(PEOPLE TOASTING LOUDLY)
I have to say something.
I have to say something.
I just have to be, just for real.
I love you guys.
ALL:
Aw!I love you guys.
This is a f***ing great
department, all of you guys.
You guys are
the best co-workers.
Except Ming, I don't know. I
just don't think you respect me.
I don't think that
you've ever respected me.
And I'm just not feeling it,
and I had to be honest.
But to everyone else, to us!
VIOLET:
Yeah!Whoo!
DOUG:
Except for Ming.VIOLET:
Sorry, Ming.DOUG:
Oh, wow.I want to give a toast.
I love all of you so much.
You're my best friends. The best
friends anybody could ever ask for.
Except for you, Vaneetha.
I don't like you.
I don't like you.
You're a b*tch.
But I love all
of you so much!
I love all of you.
You're the best!
DOUG:
All right.Except for Vaneetha,
you're the best!
Calm down, Ming.
She's a b*tch.
(MING LAUGHING)
(ALARM RINGING)
Listen, what
I want to know is,
why are professors in movies
always writing stuff,
equations and stuff,
on windows?
I don't know.
I don't get it.
I don't get it, either.
I don't understand it.
I don't get the fact that my
fianc behaves like a freak.
These are not
things that I know.
I mean, surely, you know,
in a university
you wouldn't be far
from a pen and paper,
or a computer,
or an overhead projector...
I feel like you're
not listening to me.
I feel like
you're not listening.
tell you my issues with Tom.
Oh, shut up, will you?
Put a sock in it.
Why? I'm coming
to you as a friend.
You're wallowing.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
I'm not wallowing.
You are wallowing.
What do you know? You don't know
anything about relationships.
Well, all right,
I'll take that.
When I'm in a relationship,
I'm a complete and
utter control freak.
Are you really? Are you really, though?
But that's not what...
It doesn't matter.
I'm surprised.
What we're talking about
now is your wallowing.
I'm not wallowing.
I was just trying
0 fans
Submitted on August 05, 2018
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"The Five-Year Engagement" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 27 Jul 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/the_five-year_engagement_8287>.
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