The Five-Year Engagement Page #6

I'm late for tae kwon do.

Okay.

(MIMICS PUNCHING)

(LAUGHING)

TOM:
French vanilla

with coconut custard?

I mean, who thinks of that?

Some sort of genius.

With or without

the fruit compote?

You're going to want

the fruit compote.

So, you guys have,

kind of, had a lot.

TOM:
This cake is so good.

Cake testing is the best.

I know, I don't know why girls get

so tense about all this planning.

It's fun!

Oh, my God.

You look so handsome.

Maybe I should, like,

just try on a regular tuxedo.

Yeah, of course.

Of course.

I feel like Bigfoot

would get married in this.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

God, I want a donut.

You know, that's not

really a mirror.

It's like, five nerds

back there, taking notes.

What's up, nerds?

These donuts suck.

What about

the white peonies?

Oh. Do you like

white peonies?

Yeah.

TOM:
I've always heard, though, that,

I don't know if you have them,

but black peonies

are much bigger.

I've heard that, too.

Oh, really?

Oh, I hadn't heard that.

Oh! So you haven't

seen a black peonies?

No, I never have.

Hey, have you ever had a white

penis up your butt? (SNICKERS)

(SCOFFS) Bill.

VIOLET:
Okay, I'm not

acting anymore.

I don't like it.

I'm not doing it again.

Please let me do it.

No, no way.

You like it too much.

Ming.

(SIGHING)

God damn it!

Go on.

How come nobody

ever asks me?

Because you'll make

the whole room masturbate.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Hmm. Impressive.

It is very interesting that there was

that 25% correlation in both groups

in that subjects who had a

history of life disruption

also ate the stale donuts.

It would be things like

job loss, divorce,

trouble with the law,

multiple partners,

that kind of thing.

I mean, in short,

I would say that

the people who ate the stale

donuts were essentially...

Screw-ups.

Well, yeah, I didn't

want to say, but...

WINTON:
Well, Violet,

congratulations.

And your timing couldn't

have been more perfect.

We've just got

the NIH funding.

Of course, partially due

to your excellent work.

And this means I can

extend your postdoc.

Really?

Which means you're going to be

with us for a few more years.

Wow, that is fantastic.

Thank you.

No, thank you, Violet.

Yeah. I can't wait

to tell Tom.

TOM:
Hey!

Hey!

Can I show you three options

for our invitation card stock?

You sure can.

I'm super excited.

Okay, we have got the...

I love you.

Aw! I love you, too.

I do.

Something crazy

happened today.

Winton called me into the

office and hinted that

they might be

extending my postdoc.

So, what does that mean

for us, exactly? Um...

I think what it

probably means is that

we would stay here just for

a little bit and then...

Would you like

some of this wine?

Nope.

No? Okay.

Um, I think the first phase

would be a few years,

and then, potentially,

if that went well,

for longer.

It sounds like

we're staying.

Look, I know our plans changed, but

they changed because I did well,

and I know it doesn't

feel like that to you,

but maybe it's a good

thing that they changed.

For you.

Yes, for me, but...

I've just worked so hard

for my whole life for this.

I feel like I'm

on the verge, babe.

And maybe it's okay

for me to be selfish.

Well, if it's okay

for you to be selfish,

I guess everyone else can just

figure it out on their own.

Okay, that came out wrong.

That came out wrong.

No, I think you said

exactly what you meant.

Academia's my life, Tom. I guess

you just don't understand.

(SIGHING) Can I

tell you something?

It makes me

feel like sh*t

when you tell me I don't

understand things.

Okay. No, listen, I

have news for you.

I do understand.

I understand everything,

I just don't like it.

Well, I'm sorry.

You're right.

It's just not nice.

Okay, look.

I'm very excited about

what happened today.

Do you want

to know something?

As soon as I heard the news, I felt

instantly terrified to tell you.

Now, there's something

wrong with that,

that I feel like you

can't share in this with me.

Even a little.

I'm happy for you.

(UNENTHUSIASTICALLY)

Yay! We get to stay here!

You're being a prick.

Then I'll just try

to be happy, too.

That's not being

happy for me.

I want you to be happy.

That's not being

happy for me.

That is martyring yourself

and then blaming me for your

perceived lack of success.

Now...

Now I have

a lack of success?

Well, I don't think you do. I

have a lack of success now?

But you clearly think you do

and that's the problem.

The fact remains, Tom, that

you work at a cool place,

but you refuse

to see it as that.

I ran a kitchen

in San Francisco,

Okay

okay?

And you have

no idea how it feels

to be the guy

in a relationship

and not have a job

that you're proud of.

It's embarrassing.

Why haven't we once

talked about the fact

that you are upset that

you're not running Clam Bar?

You never talk about it.

Because I'm a man, and men

and women are different.

(MOCKINGLY) We don't have to sit

around and talk about our feelings.

What?

There's nothing to say!

You say, "I'm upset," Tom!

You say it!

Fine! You want

to talk about it?

Yes!

I hate it here!

Thank you!

I hate it here!

Thank you for...

I think it sucks here!

I think it sucks my f***ing dick!

Great.

Good for you.

I hate it!

I hate it here!

Okay, okay, okay,

but now we move forward.

Now what should we do?

Would you like to

open up a Clam Bar here?

You can't get

fresh clams here.

(EXHALING DEEPLY)

I meant it as a metaphor.

(MIMICKING VIOLET EXHALING)

You know what?

This is all very confusing.

And I'm clearly overwhelmed

And I've gotta be honest,

I think the best thing would be for

me to just be alone right now,

so that I can think.

Okay.

I'll just give you

some time then, shall I?

Well, don't go.

I mean...

I need you here.

What do you mean? You just

told me you needed time alone.

What do you want? I don't

know what you want.

I don't want you to go.

Okay.

I just want to be

alone with you here.

Can you at least lay down? Okay.

Like a normal

human being?

Do you want me just to be...

I want...

Okay.

I'm trying to be alone.

Yeah.

(SIGHS)

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

I know that things are really

complicated right now, babe.

I just want us

both to be happy.

Do you think

we could do that here?

No.

TOM:
One, two, dinner.

Damn it!

I missed.

Is it 7:
00 a.m. yet?

It is somewhere.

(CHUCKLES)

VIOLET:
Cheers, everyone!

Cheers!

Thanks for coming.

It's so good to

see you guys, really.

Yeah. Yes, you guys, too.

So, here we've got some venison meat pie.

SUZIE:
Mmm-hmm.

And in the far corner

we have some venison marrow.

And here we have some

forest-foraged vegetables,

which I foraged myself.

So, enjoy.

Mmm!

SUZIE:
Yeah.

And, honestly, eat as

much as you guys want.

I have three deer

hanging in the garage.

So, there's plenty

of meat to go around.

Wow.

TOM:
Oh, my gosh,

how rude of me.

Can I get anyone

some more mead?

I've been collecting

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