The Five-Year Engagement Page #5

I've seen your penis

every single way.

Not this small.

Take your pants off.

Let's do it.

It's going to look

like a baby's dick.

Okay, you're ruining

the moment.

I'm just going to

cut you off right now.

(WHISPERING) Baby dick.

Okay.

(WHOOPING)

Come on, it's so nice! F*** it.

Do it!

(CHEERING) Ow!

What? What?

My hip, my hip!

Oh, my God.

I landed on something.

It's a fire hydrant.

What the f*** is a fire

hydrant doing there?

Poor old grandpa.

Oh, God.

Did I just say,

"My hip, my hip"?

Yes, you did.

Sorry, babe.

(GUN FIRES)

Oh, God.

I shot him.

Right in the brains.

Welcome to your

manhood, Tom.

BILL:
Hey, you...

You like my sweater?

Yeah.

I knitted it.

Oh, cool. Awesome.

Yeah.

My kids used to take these

really long, boring naps.

And, for a while, I just stared at them.

But then I found knitting.

I can knit you one if you want.

It's super-cozy.

Here, feel it.

Wow, that actually

is super-cozy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

See, I told you this place is awesome.

You just gotta settle into it.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(HONKING)

Hello!

Look at her.

Let me hold her.

Careful, Violet. Mind her neck.

You did it.

You're so clever.

It's adorable.

See, he calls it an "it."

Dude, Clam Bar.

Booked for an entire month.

You cannot get

a table for 30 days.

Thank you so much for quitting, bro.

You made my career.

Oh. Yeah, I did it alt

for you, buddy.

Anyways, so how's Michigan?

You know, it's a bit of an adjustment.

But, all in all, it's fine.

Wow.

Sorry.

Have you told her

how much you hate it?

I don't hate it.

A bit of Irish stoicism

never hurt anyone.

Well, I think it hurt

a shitload of Irish people.

Bro, you gotta be

honest with her, man.

I am honest.

No, you're not.

You're not being

honest with me.

You're not being

honest with her.

Don't be a martyr.

Trust me, dude.

You need to be honest with this woman.

She's going to be your wife.

Like me, for example, when Suzie

told me that she was pregnant,

I was like,

"There's no f***ing way

you're keeping this baby."

Because that's what I felt.

I was like, "No.

It's not mine, I know it."

Because I was being honest.

I didn't get caught up on

how that would make her feel.

You know,

I was just being myself.

She, of course,

figured out later

that that was just panic

and anger setting in.

And now she knows

that about me.

So, two weeks ago, when I

was trying to talk her into

giving up

the baby for adoption,

she's like, "Is this panic,

and is this anger?"

And I was like,

"Oh, my God, it is.

"Let's keep it."

Let's just...

Let's go see your family.

So, darling?

VIOLET:
Mmm-hmm?

Any ideas when this new

wedding might happen?

Mmm. No...

I mean, not yet.

Because, you know,

we've just moved

and it's just a big

transition, and so...

Look, it's never

going to be easy.

I mean, you could delay forever.

Like you did with Gideon.

You always need

things to be perfect.

Mum, it's hardly the same, all right?

Gideon was a complete tool

and so that's why I was

procrastinating as much as I did.

What's the date?

I don't know yet, Mum. You've

got to make a date, darling.

I don't know yet,

Mum, and I will.

Pick a date. Why is

that so difficult?

It's not difficult.

I'm just saying that

we've just got there

and we're trying

to enjoy ourselves.

Pick a date. Pick it,

pick it, pick it!

Okay. I cannot think with you

yelling "Pick it" at me.

Shh!

You know why you're not sure?

No. Because you've

never been sure.

Okay, what I don't understand

is that you hated marriage.

So why are you

forcing me into it?

Well, well, well,

Miss Smarty-pants.

For your information,

I did not hate marriage,

I loved marriage.

I loved your father, always.

I was happy.

That's why I'm so

angry with him now.

I was happy with

that idiot!

I'm sorry I'm

not 23 years old.

I'm sorry I'm

not made in China.

I'm sorry I'm not

Miss Chew Chin Chow!

(EXHALES)

(GROANS)

Now look what you've done.

(SUZIE MOANS)

Crazy about Alex

and the Clam Bar, right?

Yeah.

It's good, though.

You know, it really is.

It's good for him.

Are you okay about it?

I'm fine.

Um... So, you know

what I was thinking?

I know that we're not

in any rush or anything,

but do you think maybe we should

start planning this wedding?

Yes! I was just thinking that.

Yeah?

Okay. Great.

Yes.

I'll take the lead this time.

No.

Listen, you're super-busy.

I've got time to do it.

You can just... Look, pitch

in when you can, but...

Would you really do that?

You did everything last time.

It's a two-way street.

Thank you.

Of course.

That's very kind.

You're a very

good planner.

I hope you like Legoland.

(CHUCKLING)

Because that's where

it's going to be.

(CHUCKLING)

(SIGHING)

I'm your giant man.

YOU are my enormous man.

Right, so who's

going to be our actor?

Hmm? No, no, please, no.

I really don't want to do it.

Come on, it's simple. You just

explain the personality test,

then casually mention

that the day-old donuts will

be replaced by fresh ones.

No, I know what

I'm going to say.

Anyone who takes an old donut has

got impulse control problems.

No, I know, it's just...

I'm going to freeze up.

You're going

to be great.

People love you. You gotta do

it, it's gonna be so much fun.

(ALL CHANTING) Violet.

Violet, Violet, Violet.

Okay.

WINTON:
Go on.

Whoo!

Violet, Violet.

Hello, everybody.

So, before you fill out

your personality tests,

I just wanted to apologize

for the snacks.

Those donuts are

from yesterday.

And there will be fresh ones to replace

those ones in half of an hour.

She's horrible.

So, wait or dine,

the choice is yours. Bye.

MING:
She's really bad.

DOUG:
She's really bad.

WINTON:
Be nice, be nice.

Hey. There she is.

No, no. I messed it up.

A round of applause.

(ALL CLAMORING)

That was so good.

That was seamless.

That was a good job.

WOMAN:
Hi, Professor.

Hey.

So, I got the save-the-date.

Very exciting.

Yes, it is.

What is it?

What do you mean?

Well, you know, I just sensed

something in your voice.

Oh, no.

I don't think so.

Really?

No, I...

Well, I mean...

Oh, sorry, look, it's none of my business.

I shouldn't intrude.

You know, it's your and Tom's thing.

I understand.

Really.

I mean,

it's not a secret.

It's just that... I think I just

wish Tom were happier here.

Has he told you

he's unhappy?

No, but I can tell.

Listen, I think

Tom is fantastic.

But you mustn't let his

situation make you feel guilty.

You've worked hard

to get here. Okay?

You're on the verge,

you know?

It's okay to be selfish.

You're a good person, a very good

person, and Tom will be fine.

Tom is all right.

Tom will understand.

Yeah. Right.

Hey, Professor.

Hey, Ashley.

God, you know

everyone here.

Well, most of the girls

are called Ashley

and most of the guys are called

Zack, so I play the odds.

MAN:
Hey, Professor.

Hey, Zack. How's Ashley?

(CHUCKLING)

see?

And now if you'll excuse me,

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