The Five-Year Engagement Page #4

to go with a dill

if you want to make the

biggest mistake of your life.

Personally, I think the kosher dill

is way too briny for a Reuben.

You're going to want something nice

and cumin-y with a fresh kick.

I'd go with

a habanero Sriracha.

The cucumber's

naughty cousin.

Thanks, man.

I'm sort of a pickle

nerd around here.

So, really, all I'm

gonna be doing here

is just making

sandwiches, huh?

Yeah, but you're making the

most exquisite sandwiches

in town,

maybe the world.

Right.

Why don't you just f***ing

let her have the dill, man?

Why don't you just f***ing do something?

F*** off.

Hey.

I'm Tom.

I'm Margaret.

You're the new guy, right?

I am, yeah. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Welcome to the team, dude.

TARQUIN:
I've pickled

everything, really.

I've pickled beets,

pickled peanut butter.

I pickled a sandwich.

I pickled batteries.

I pickled weed.

Which actually turned out

to be a huge waste of weed.

(CHUCKLING)

Next.

WINTON:
Hello, Katherine.

This is for you.

Now, you can eat

that marshmallow now,

or if you wait 20 minutes, I'm

gonna give you two marshmallows.

Okay? I'll see you later.

This is an experiment I did

a couple of years ago,

which shows that children can have

trouble with self-regulation.

As you know, if we don't get research

grants, we have no money to pay you.

And, as of now,

we don't have one.

So, we need ideas for some

studies that we can run,

and this is my main

area of interest, here.

Good. So I want to do the

marshmallow experiment with adults.

Well, adults will just wait

for the second marshmallow.

I actually don't even think

adults really like marshmallows.

Yeah, well, I'm not referring

specifically to the marshmallow.

What about this?

What if we were to

take our subjects, right,

and have them play

a driving video game?

Have half of the subjects

drive the car normally.

Have the other half

drive while masturbating.

Why do all of your experiments

have to involve masturbation?

Why do none of your experiments

involve masturbation?

Um... What if we,

um, casually left a box of stale

donuts in the testing room?

And you inform the subjects

that these stale donuts

will be replaced

with new donuts

But then we watch and we see who

still goes for an old donut.

What would be interesting

is if we had a manipulation.

So, one group,

we could make them

feel temporarily

depressed or...

VANEETHA:
You know

what we should do?

We should do a screening

of The Notebook.

Yes.

I know it's stupid,

but that sh*t

makes me cry.

Yeah.

I would eat 10 million donuts

after watching The Notebook.

Okay, I got a good one.

How about we get a subject and

then put the subject to sleep,

and then cover him with

blood and chicken feathers

and then put a gun in his hand and

then scream inside of his ear.

(STUTTERING)

For what purpose?

I just want to

see what would happen.

VANEETHA:
Okay,

I have an experiment.

I think we get three psych

grad students together,

and we have them come up with the

craziest, most insane experiment ideas

and then we just wait

and see how long it takes

for the new girl to realize that

they're totally screwing with her.

(WINTON CHUCKLING)

(LAUGHS)

You're so busted.

(LAUGHING) No!

(ALL LAUGHING)

VIOLET:
Oh, my God!

I felt like I was listening

to all of you...

Because that masturbation

thing was, like...

That's not a joke,

that's real.

My masturbation

theories are real.

Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

VANEETHA:
No, he's obsessed with them.

It's kind of a drag.

Okay, listen, I like

Violet's donut experiment.

I think it's elegant, it's simple,

and we all get to eat donuts.

VIOLET:
Great.

WINTON:
Well done, Violet.

Thank you.

WINTON:
Welcome aboard.

Thanks.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Okay, listen.

That's enough shoptalk.

I love a love story.

How did you guys meet?

I'll take this one, if

that's all right. Okay.

Yeah.

It was two

New Year's Eves ago.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

TOM:
Violet was dressed

as Princess Diana.

VIOLET:
Yep, Tom was

dressed as Super Bunny.

TOM:
Guilty as charged.

But, then...

WINTON:
Gwyrth!

Gwyrth! Down, Gwyrth!

Gwyrth! Gwyrth!

Down, boy, down. Gwyrth.

Come on, there we are.

Come on.

Good boy, good boy.

(WHIMPERING)

Gwyrth?

What a fascinating name.

It's actually pronounced

"Gwyrth." It's Welsh.

Gwyrf.

Gwyth.

With an "F"?

Gwyrth.

Gwyrth.

Ah! Like Gwyrth Paltrow.

No, no, "Gwyrth."

Gwyth.

WINTON:
No, it's "Gwyrth."

Gwyr-yth.

NO. G-W-Y-R-T-H. "Gwyrth."

It means "miracle" in Welsh.

He was a rescue dog.

VIOLET:
Nice.

Well, enough about the dog.

To marriage!

To marriage.

Cheers, everyone.

Congratulations, both of you.

VIOLET:
Thank you, Winton.

TOM:
And to Gwyneth.

(CHUCKLING)

(FEIGNING LAUGHTER)

Okay, I got it.

I got it.

Gwi-an.

Ming, please.

Hey.

How you doing?

You okay? Great, awesome. Yeah, yeah.

This is cool.

Okay, cool. Five more minutes.

This is cool.

Okay.

Thank God for another

male faculty-spouse.

How could you tell?

I can smell it on you.

Hi, I'm Bill.

Hi, Tom.

It's a pleasure.

Nice to meet you.

What do you do, Tom?

I'm a chef, actually. But right

now, I work at Zingerman's.

Holy sh*t! I love that place.

Hmm.

Yeah. (CLEARS THROAT)

Yeah, it's fun.

So, what do you do

for a living?

I am a chef.

Have you seen

Ratatouille?

Uh, yeah.

Based on my life.

(CHUCKLING) It must

resonate with you, right?

Yeah, I mean, sure.

Absolutely.

You work at Zingerman?

TOM:
Yeah.

Oh, I love that place.

Thanks.

Yeah, yeah, it's fun.

Can you give me

a free sandwich?

Sometime?

Have you seen that

movie Ratatouille?

You know, it's so funny.

Everyone keeps asking me that.

Yeah. It's a fantastic movie.

Yeah. Yeah.

How about you?

What do you do?

I take care of the kids,

run carpool, pack lunches.

It's fantastic, watching

the little ones grow up.

Sometimes I wonder where my penis went.

(CHUCKLES)

It's just a joke

I like to say.

(ALL CHEERING)

I got a lot of quality

time with your friends.

They really like

Ratatouille.

VIOLET:
Oh, did I ignore

you at the party?

Come here. I love you.

I love you, too.

I'm sorry.

How are you?

Are you all right?

I know it's a lot.

It's an adjustment.

No, I'm fine.

I really am.

You know what? I had a

really good time tonight.

It was a fun party.

And I like all your friends.

Did you meet Bill?

Yeah.

Well, Bill is going

to take me hunting.

Oh, yeah?

Which I feel like is

something I'm made to do.

(LAUGHING)

So, yeah. Yeah.

That's good.

You promise me you'd tell me if you

weren't feeling all right, and...

Babe, you gotta stop asking me.

I really am fine.

Okay.

I am.

That snow looks nice.

It's fine.

Yeah, looks fine.

Do you want to roll around

with me in it and get weird?

You mean, like...

Yeah! No one's around.

Let's get into Michigan life.

Okay, it sounds great, it does.

There is one issue.

What?

It's very cold out.

So what?

My penis is going to look

super-small for a second.

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