The Five-Year Engagement Page #3

It was the perfect teaching job.

It was local.

Oh, God.

Eight years of studying, just

(SPLUTTERS) down the tube.

I'm so sorry, babe.

I'm going to be married

within the year.

I'm gonna be pregnant

within two years

and no career, I'll just

be changing nappies

and washing dishes

and making apple pie.

And I want that,

I want it all,

but I want to have

the career as well.

It's not enough for me.

I mean, it's fine.

I can reapply next year.

You don't have

to get upset.

It's fine. Why do you always

turn things into your thing?

(TEARFULLY) No.

Come on!

I'm sorry.

What?

I can't help it.

It must be the hormones.

What, you're at that time of the month again?

You're always on your period.

No.

What is it, then?

Are you pregnant?

Just a little.

Just a little?

(WHIMPERS)

Suzie!

God, I feel so guilty.

Crikey!

I know this is your time,

and I just... I don't want to

take the attention away from you.

I'm sorry.

Who's the guy?

I don't want

to tell you.

Let me take

some guesses, okay?

Just don't even

think about it.

One, two, three.

Alex.

F***ing hell!

You didn't say it,

only I said it!

Is it Alex?

It is Alex.

Oh, gross!

Of course it is. Jesus!

No! He is a moron.

Yeah.

You may kiss the bride.

(TRIO PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC)

We're f***ing married!

(CHUCKLING)

Chest bump.

Oh! Ah!

SUZIEI We did it.

(SINGING ROMANTIC

SPANISH SONG)

(SIGHING)

Not to be competitive, but our

wedding is going to be way better.

Absolutely. Theirs was

pretty, but I was very cold.

Okay, right?

Yeah.

I was chilly

the whole time.

It was very chilly.

It was beautiful, wasn't it?

F*** those guys.

F***.

VIOLET:
Hey.

Hey.

Whoa. What's going on?

I'm good.

No, I know you, you're not good.

What is going on?

Okay.

Sit down and talk to me.

I got a letter from

the University of Michigan.

Okay.

I got in.

Oh, my God! Congratulations,

that's great!

No, no, no, it's not.

It's actually terrible.

You know, I've been

sitting here panicking

because my mum quit

her job for my dad

and she never

forgave him, ever.

She became a real martyr

and she's not a happy person,

and I just don't want you

becoming my mother.

I really don't want you

becoming like her. Babe.

Calm down.

Okay.

Okay, it's you and me.

Yeah.

We can handle anything.

I'm not scared of this.

I know, I think

I'm just scared

that you will

end up resenting me.

This is a huge

opportunity for you.

If you don't do this, you're

gonna end up resenting me,

and, frankly, I would much rather

be the resentor than resented.

Look, let's talk logistics.

How long is the thing?

Two years.

Two years?

Yeah. It's long.

No, it's not.

Really?

In the scheme of us spending

our whole lives together,

two years, that's...

And then we can

come back here, right?

Yeah, of course. It's just two years.

Yeah, that's...

And, look, I can cook anywhere.

Right.

I've cooked in New York,

I've cooked in L.A.

I'm pretty sure

I can handle Michigan.

Um...

All right. Listen,

here's what I propose.

Let's just put off the wedding.

We're not in any rush.

Really?

Yeah.

We'll get to Michigan,

we'll get settled in,

and then we'll start planning

the wedding again from there

once we have

our bearings.

Tom.

Oh!

Can I just say something?

Yeah.

I think we both know that I deserve

to get super laid for this.

Do you want me to wear

a cape or something?

I mean, theoretically,

whatever you want.

I'm just saying I don't

want weekday sex.

You're guilt-sexing me! I want a show.

I want the show.

You're gonna get the show.

Good, I better.

You're gonna get the

Cirque du Soleil of shows.

Lots of this.

And this stuff.

Not a mime.

Yeah.

This stuff.

Babe!

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

You really don't

think our family

is going to be disappointed

that we're delaying?

You know what?

They'll live.

PRIEST:
And now, a moment

of silence for Leonora.

SALLY:
Boy, we were

packed last night.

I got reservations

coming in like crazy.

What's going on?

I'm actually here to give

you my two weeks' notice.

I can't thank you enough

for all I've learned

from you for the past

couple of years.

It's been amazing,

and so...

No.

I was going to name you head

chef at my new restaurant.

Clam Bar.

What's going on?

Wow, okay.

I really wish that you would

have told me that earlier.

Sh*t.

Okay, so my fiance,

Violet, who you've met,

got a job in Michigan...

This is why marriage

is dumb, okay? It's dumb.

You have a job here,

and she's got a job there.

You guys can't do anything

because you're so connected,

so then one of you

has to get the shaft.

This is why I voted

against gay marriage.

Please don't tell people.

Well, you know, just saying,

what are you supposed to do?

It's like your fiance

gets offered her dream job,

what are you

going to do, say no?

Yes.

I have to go.

Yeah.

People make bad decisions.

This is a fact.

They make them knowingly and

they make them consistently,

and the question we ask

on this course is, "Why?"

"I'm going

on a diet tomorrow,

"so I'll eat as much chocolate as

I like tonight." (ALARM BEEPING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

"Unprotected sex feels good,

"so I'm going to have it despite the

fact I might go mad with syphilis."

Please remain seated. It's

probably just a false alarm.

Is behavior the person, the environment,

or a combination of the two?

What do obesity,

lying, drunk driving

and rooting for

Ohio State have in common?

(ALL CHUCKLE)

I'll tell you.

Bad decisions.

In fact, you're all currently

making a bad decision.

Why would you sit

through a fire alarm?

Just because I, a man you've only just

met, tells you it's a false alarm

doesn't mean

that in seconds' time

we could all be

engulfed in flames,

begging and crying

for a quick death.

But it is a false alarm.

(ALARM STOPS)

And those firemen,

they're actors.

(ALL CHUCKLING)

Want to see

some real fire?

(ALL GASPING)

Welcome to Social Psychology.

Thank you.

(GROANS)

So, you quit your chef job in San

Francisco to move to Michigan?

Believe it or not,

I did, yeah.

(LAUGHING)

Who does that?

So, what were they paying

you in San Francisco?

$18.50 an hour.

Oh, sh*t!

Yeah.

That's pretty good.

I was lucky.

I probably couldn't do

that, I could do $11.

You know what, it's a different market.

I totally understand.

You got to

start somewhere.

Nine, then?

Well, I thought

you just said 11.

Well, six?

I got it.

You're f***ing with me.

We don't really have

any openings. Sorry.

(LAUGHING)

Ooh! Impressive

knife skills.

Thank you.

I've heard that before.

So, yeah.

Do I have the job?

No, I'm sorry. I just needed

those onions chopped.

You're joking, right?

No. Good luck, though.

You left San Francisco to come to Michigan?

Are you f***ing brain-dead?

(ALL LAUGHING)

And voile)!

Figured that out quick.

Oh, thanks. I studied at the Culinary

Institute for a couple years.

Could I get

a dill with that?

Well, you're welcome

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