The Five-Year Engagement Page #2

Sally Baker, Big Alice

This Korean, that Korean,

and Lizzie Gray again

Ingrid Pell and my ex Even

though they claimed no sex

Rock and roll and cola wars

I can't take it anymore

Violet didn't start

Tom's fire

It was always burning

and she got the ring on

She wasn't

his first lover

As it turns out

He f***ed some others

Doris Williams...

Okay, that's enough. I think

that's enough, right?

Really?

Yeah, that's plenty.

(DIXIELAND MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh!

Whoa!

Boo! Oh, my God! Jesus Christ!

(CHUCKLING)

Nope. Alex.

You're right, yep. Yes,

I know who you are.

You've got quite

a reputation.

Nice.

(SIGHING) Yeah.

Is that good

or is it bad?

It's mostly gross.

Yeah, just gross stuff.

Yeah.

Yeah.

(SNIFFS)

Are you wearing Chanel No.

I'm not wearing

anything.

No way.

No.

That's just

your smell, huh?

Yeah.

Crazy.

Yep.

It's pretty weird.

Yeah.

All right, you know, this

is not gonna happen.

Sorry.

You seem very nice.

No, I was...

It's just not gonna happen. Yep.

I know it.

I agree.

All right, good.

What?

Oh, I'm gonna...

(VIOLET GIGGLES)

Hello.

VIOLET:
Gideon.

TOM:
Oh, hi.

I just wanted to say

congratulations to both of you.

I really couldn't have picked a better

choice for my favorite ex-girlfriend.

Aw! Thank you

very much.

I didn't know that you

were going to be here.

Uh... Yeah. Your mom said I could

come, so I just popped over.

From London,

through Atlanta.

And Houston.

Right. I am going

to go to the loo and...

I think you literally just

went to the bathroom.

Mmm... Didn't. No.

How was Afghanistan?

It was harrowing.

I was there

for the capture of

Mullah Abdul Akhtud El Sayed

Ahmed Shafeer Salaheen.

Amazing.

Um... Violet is

a fantastic woman.

She is.

How long have you guys

been together?

Just...

Just over a year.

We were together for

four and a half years.

You think after four years you're gonna be

spending the rest of your life together.

Now you get her, even though you're

still just in the first quarter.

Do you want me to get you a

glass of wine or something?

No.

Oh! Good timing.

Gideon, stop crying.

This is an emotional

moment for me.

No, this is an emotional

moment for Tom and I.

You are a guest at

our emotional moment.

Congratulations.

Okay. All right.

(INHALING DEEPLY)

Do not smell me, Gideon.

(LAUGHING) That is awful!

You like that one?

I hate all of them.

Om

(LAUGHING)

VIOLET:
I want to get that job

offer in the mail from Berkeley

and become

a psychology professor.

Work with brilliant people and

just dig in for the next 40 years.

And I want to open

my own restaurant

with a private room in the

back just for you and me.

And our 20 kids.

And all of our little pigs. Hmm.

Don't worry, we'll get some breakfast in a bit.

You'll feel better.

Not eggs.

Oh! Alex!

VIOLET:
Hey.

TOM:
Hey.

Hey

Yo!

I didn't think you were

going to stay the night.

Yeah, I didn't want to drive

home last night in my condition.

So, I just

got myself a room.

Oh, nice.

Yeah.

Whoa, Suz!

VIOLET:
Suzie.

Hey, Suz.

Oh. Hi.

TOM:
Come join the fun.

Oh. Hey.

Hey. Yeah.

Hello.

You know Suzie.

Your sister.

(GASPING)

(WHISPERING)

Shut the f*** up.

Guess what I really

did last night?

I'll give you

Oh, my God!

Hi.

Hi.

I'm Audrey.

I'm the new hostess.

Audrey? Oh, cool, I'm Tom.

Nice to meet you, Tom.

Nice to meet you.

I'm the sous-chef here.

How is it going today?

Good. How are you?

Okay, I'm great. Yeah, it's

nice to have you aboard.

Thank you.

Yeah.

You'll make a great

part of the team.

He's engaged.

How's your fiance doing?

I-m

Thank you.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, also.

What the f*** was that?

What are you doing? You're

flirting with the help.

I was not flirting, okay?

ALEX:
Oh, really?

I was being friendly.

ALEX:
Yeah, right.

You were sending telepathic wiener

missiles at her face, and you know it.

SALLY:
What are

all these tickets?

You guys getting ready

to go to a Broadway show?

I need three lamb and potatoes

and I actually need them now.

Yes, Chef!

SALLY:
I'm done with you.

Give me that,

I'll do it myself.

Thank you. Thank you. Alex,

how long on my steaks?

Two minutes!

Come on, come on, move,

you guys, like there's...

(SCREAMS) Mother...

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

Cuntballs. Now it's starting to hurt.

Oh, my God!

TOM:
Chef, you have

to go to the hospital.

Tom, you're in charge.

TOM:
You got it, Chef.

SALLY:
I need a doggy

bag for my finger.

TOM:
All right, let's move.

We got a shitload

of foie gras.

I need you to push

the foie gras gelato.

How long on the gelato, Alex?

I need it yesterday.

ALEX:
Four minutes.

Hey, I need hands on all

those dishes in the window.

Please, guys.

Yeah, guys, I need hands

on my carrot wiener.

Alex, put the

carrot wiener away.

The face is the worst part of it all.

Get back to the foie gras.

Hi, Granny Leonora.

Hi, Grampy.

Hello. How are you, darling?

VIOLET:
Hi, Nana. Hi, Baba.

GRANDMA KATHERINE:

Oh, hello, sweetheart!

This is fun.

Violet, love, will you be getting

married in London or down in Sussex?

Actually, Baba, we will

be doing the wedding

in the Bay Area

in San Francisco.

You could get married here,

in the village church.

Get married in England, where you're from.

In London, come on.

Not 5,000 bloody mi/es...

Violet, America is

such a long way away.

And grandparents do

have a tendency to die.

VIOLET:
Mum, Stop it.

They're all right there.

What are you doing?

Well, for now.

VIOLET:
Mum, stop!

Come on, Berkeley.

Come on, Berkeley.

(SIGHS)

So, the barn holds,

like, 350 people.

Oh, that's good.

Yeah.

I really love it.

It's really beautiful.

So, is it your wedding?

Yes, yeah, it is.

That's too bad.

You're so beautiful.

Okay.

(SIGHING)

It's wonderful,

isn't it?

It is so great.

It's beautiful. When's the

next available weekend?

In three years.

Unless you want to get

married on September 11th.

I don't.

Don't let the

terrorists win.

Yes!

Great!

Okay, good, so this

is gonna be fun.

Of course, the men

will wear yarmulkes.

And, in that case, all eligible

Christians will be served communion.

Communion? What, we're gonna have

communion at my son's wedding?

Um... It is our

wedding, Pete.

And, I mean, seeing as everyone

is gonna be wearing yarmulkes.

Well, actually, only the men

will be wearing yarmulkes, so.

Well, I've never heard you say

the word "yarmulke" until today.

TOM:
Excuse me, I say "yarmulke" all the time.

VIOLET:
You don't.

Like, "Hey,

where's my yarmulke?

"Babe, have you

seen my yarmulke?"

Babe, you don't

have a yarmulke.

I have a whole... It's in

my Jewish drawer. You...

I mean, how are you supposed to

even pick a dress from a magazine?

Look at all of them, they're all

just white and puffy and stupid.

Vi, come on. Hey!

(SIGHING) What?

It's supposed

to be exciting.

This is your wedding.

You only get a few of these.

I didn't

get into Berkeley.

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