The Fluffy Movie: Unity Through Laughter Page #11

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"You're exactly...

You're moody in the same way.

"It's the same."

And keep in mind,

Frankie's technically my stepson,

so my girl insisting this,

that we're the same,

I'm like, "Hello, I wasn't

there at the beginning."

But, no, she insists.

"You guys are the same."

And I started analyzing our lives.

I started analyzing Frankie's life,

and I started analyzing my life,

and I started realizing that,

you know what,

our lives run on these

crazy parallels.

I'm going to tell you guys something.

In all my previous specials,

I'd always talk about my mom.

My mom, my mom, my mom, my mom.

I never really made

references about my dad,

because my dad wasn't there

when I was growing up.

And I made a joke one time

about how my mom said that

my dad was a mariachi.

Which is true,

and that he was the guy

that was on the bottle of hot sauce.

My dad was the Tapato guy.

So after that,

people started asking

questions about my dad,

and so they're like, "So what's

the story with your dad?"

And it felt really awkward

for me to bring up the fact

that I didn't grow up

with one, you know?

And nobody wants to tell people,

"I grew up without a parent."

For me, it was very personal,

and I started building up this wall,

because people kept asking questions,

especially this one,

"What would you say if your

dad wanted to see you now?"

And for me, it's been over 30 years,

and so I'd always say the same thing.

I said, "Well, if my

dad wanted to see me,

"I'd tell him he has

to buy a ticket."

That was the go-to line.

"If my dad wants to see me,

I'll tell him to buy a ticket.

"I'll tell him to buy a ticket.

"My dad wants to see

me 30 years later,

"I'm going to have him buy a ticket."

I said this for over seven years.

And guess who bought a ticket?

Bay Area, it's about to get real.

Oh, let me tell you this one.

So I'm doing a show at

a comedy club in LA

called the Comedy & Magic Club,

and it's about a 250-seat room,

and the manager Richard comes

up to me before I go onstage,

and he goes, "Hey, listen, Gabe.

"Your dad's in the back of the room.

"Can we pay for his drinks and his food?"

I go, "What are you talking about?"

He goes, "Yeah, your dad's in the back.

"Are we paying for

his food and drinks?"

I go, "Listen, I haven't seen

my dad in over 30 years.

"That's somebody trying to

get free food and drinks.

"Cut him off.

Don't pay for anything."

"Got it, bro." So I go up onstage.

I start doing my thing.

No problem, show goes over very well.

I wind up outside after the show,

and I'm doing a meet-and-greet.

I'm taking pictures,

and I'm signing DVDs.

My dad goes out and gets in line

with the rest of the fans

to try to meet me like that.

And my manager goes

to the back of the line,

and then she comes up

to me, and she goes,

"Listen, Gabe. Um...

"The guy that's at the

back of the line,

"I have a feeling that

that could be your dad."

I go, "Really? You, too? Why?"

"I saw his ID. Gabe,

is his name Jesus?"

And I was like, "Well, that's a one-in-four

chance right there, you know?"

I mean, seriously,

you can't throw a rock

in Los Angeles without hitting

a Jesus. You really can't.

And so I go, "That's it?"

She goes, "Gabe, I'm going to be

honest with you. He has your eyes."

I go, "Really? Out of all of this,

"you went to the two smallest things

on my body to compare us two?

"Are you kidding me?"

And then she said, "Is his

birthday December 25th?"

And my heart dropped, because my

dad's birthday is actually Christmas.

Every year, my mom would remind me,

"Merry Christmas. He's not

here again. Open your gift."

And so it always stuck right here,

"December 25th, December 25th,

December 25th."

So it freaked me out so bad that I

started shaking. I started shaking.

I was freaking out, because it was

a bunch of emotions. I was angry.

I was sad. I was happy. It was just

everything all at the same time.

And so people are coming up to me.

They're like, "Are you okay?"

And I kept saying this over and over.

I said, "My dad's here. My dad's here.

My dad's here. My dad's here."

And they're like, "That's good.

Your dad's here to support you."

I'm like, "I haven't seen

him in over 30 years."

And they're like, "Awkward.

Yeah. Awkward."

So I told my manager, "Go to the

back of the line and get him out.

"This is not the time or the

place to do this, right?"

So she goes back there,

and I see them talking.

Then I see him walking away,

and then he stops,

and he turns around, and he

looks at me, and he waves.

And it freaked me out, you guys.

In addition to freaking me out,

he's holding one of my DVDs,

which really messed me up,

because I've been signing DVDs all night.

What was I going to put on his?

You know? "Hey, where you been?"

So she gets his info, gives it to me.

I give the info to my girlfriend,

right, and I finish the meet-and-greet.

We get in the car. We go back home.

I'm not saying anything.

I'm just shaking.

I'm sweating, and my

girl goes, "You okay?"

I said, "Listen, you know what?

"I been playing this scenario

in my head for over 30 years,

"what would I do if

he ever showed up.

"I thought I was

prepared to handle this,

"and I'm not. I'm freaking out."

And she goes, "Baby, listen,

how 'bout we sleep on it,

"and we'll figure this

out together tomorrow?

"Just sleep on it. Try to relax."

And I'm like, "That's a good idea."

So we get in bed.

She knocks out, and I'm just...

I can't. I can't sleep.

And 3:
00 in the morning rolls around,

and I say, "I can't take it anymore."

So I wake up my girl.

I said, "Baby, get up."

"What is it? What?"

I go, "Listen, call him."

"Right now?" I go, "Yes."

"It's 3:
00 in the morning.

That's disrespectful."

I'm like, "Hello.

Who waited 30 years?"

"Fine." So she gets on the

phone, and she calls my dad,

and he answered on the first ring,

and I could hear 'em talking,

going back and forth.

And then she hangs up

the phone, and she says,

"Listen, baby, your dad

wants me to let you know

"that he doesn't want any money.

He doesn't want any money.

"He doesn't want anything from you,

but 10 minutes of your time,

"so he can ask you a

couple of questions

"and hopefully answer some questions.

"Me, personally, I think you need closure,

because you're messed up."

My girl keeps it real.

So I said, "Listen, call him back.

"Let him know that I

want to see him today

"at the comedy club where we met."

She goes, "Fine."

So she calls him back.

She hangs up the phone. And she goes,

"Okay, baby, I confirmed it.

"7:
00 at the comedy club.

Can we get some sleep now?"

And I go, "Listen,

I got to do something."

She goes, "What?" And I get out of bed,

and I walk over to the living room.

And in the living room,

I have a giant mirror, okay?

And this giant mirror,

I get in front of it,

and I start rehearsing the speech

I'm about to have with my dad

that I haven't seen in over 30 years.

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