The Fluffy Movie: Unity Through Laughter Page #8

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He should have been doing

this since he was 10,

but, you know,

better late than never.

And what he does is he'll

sit in the living room,

and he tunes out the

rest of the house.

He sits there, and he'll

put on these headphones

that I got him for Christmas

a couple of years ago,

these Beats with the

freaking studio button,

and it cuts out all of the sound.

They are so strong

that when he starts watching

his YouTube videos,

he can't hear himself laugh.

And for me, that is the

funniest thing in the world.

I'm in the other room,

and I can hear him.

This is what I hear...

I'm in the other room, like,

"Who brought the Germans?"

And so I walk out into the

living room, and I see Frankie,

and he's laughing at his phone,

and I got to flag him down.

"Hey, hey, hey."

And he'll take 'em off.

"What? What's up, Dad?"

I go, "Frankie,

can you do me a favor?

"Can you please take out the trash?"

"Okay." And then he puts 'em back on.

"What?

"Now?"

I go, "Yes, now.

"When you ask me for a ride,

it's because you need a ride

"when you ask for a ride, not later."

Then he says, "Where are we going?"

"Just take out the trash."

And then he does it.

He takes out the trash,

but he acts like he's doing me

the biggest favor in the world,

and he stares me down, and he doesn't

break eye contact, He's like...

And then he'll hold the bag over

the can, and he makes the sound...

I'm like, "Dude, so much drama."

It's crazy. I'd like to have

normal conversations with him,

but usually I gotta take it

that far for us to interact.

You know? I look forward

to conversations.

Even if it's something

small and minute,

at least it gives me a chance to

trigger another conversation with him.

I look forward to a few things.

I look forward to December,

because in December,

Frankie becomes very chatty.

Otherwise, he's "One-word Kid."

Parents, you know what I'm talking

about, kids, "One-word Kid"?

And you try to talk to 'em.

"Hey, how was your day?" "Good."

"You have any homework?" "Yeah."

"Are you going to do it?" "Maybe."

"You hungry?" "Mmm-hmm"

"What do you want?" "Food."

Usually that's what I get.

But December rolls around,

and guess what December is.

December's when he

becomes very chatty,

because he has an agenda.

All of a sudden, he goes from

"One-word Kid" to very, like,

"Hey, how's your week, Dad?

You doing good?

"Yeah, how are the shows going?

You doing all right?

"Do you need anything?

You need anything?"

I'm like, "I needed this in July.

Just saying."

And I know it's fake,

but at least, once again,

it allows me to put my real

conversation on top of his fake one.

And if that's what it takes,

then that's what it takes.

In addition to that,

I look forward to problems.

I like problems,

because if there's problems,

Frankie and I can work on it

together to find a solution, right?

And I see that as a

great form of bonding.

Now don't get me wrong, you guys.

Sometimes it's expensive.

Yeah, you're laughing.

Let me tell you.

Like, one time, they took

his iPhone from school,

and he comes home,

and he's all devastated, right?

He's like, "Dad, Dad,

I got to talk to you."

I'm like, "What? Tell me. What?"

"They stole my phone."

I'm like, "That's why

you're talking."

And I started laughing.

He goes, "It's not funny."

I go, "You have no

idea how funny it is."

I go, "So what happened, Frankie?

"So they broke into my locker at school,

and they took my iPhone,

"they took my friend's iPhone,

"and if we go to the school right now,

we can fill out a report.

"We know exactly who did it.

Can we go to the school right now?"

I go, "Listen, Frankie, I'd love to,

"but I'm really tired.

I just got off a flight

"and, you know,

I'm really, really tired.

"I promise you tomorrow morning,

I'll take you early.

"I'll help you fill out the

report and we'll turn it in."

"Could we go right now?" I go, "Frankie,

seriously. Just please, tomorrow."

"I need my phone."

I go, "Listen, Frankie,

"you can handle one day

without your phone."

He's not getting his way,

so he turns around,

and he yells at

the ground, and he goes,

"They took my phone!"

I looked at him. I say,

"Hey, you took my freedom.

"You don't hear me screaming."

"I just accept it and process it,

"and we move on. That's it."

So then he asks,

"What's going to happen?"

I go, "Well, I'm gonna go upstairs,

take a shower, and probably go to bed."

"No, what's gonna happen if

I don't get my phone back?"

I go, "That's a good question,

Frankie. I don't know."

"You're not going to

get me a new one?"

"No, dude. I already got you a phone.

"It was your responsibility

to take care of that phone."

"It's not fair." I go,

"Life's not fair, Frankie, okay?

"But things happen."

"You should get me a phone."

"Dude, seriously?"

And then he looks at me, and he says,

and this kind of messed with me.

He goes, "You should get me a phone.

"It's nothing for you

to get me a new phone."

"It's nothing for you

to get me a new phone."

Bay Area, my son thinks

that what I do is easy.

He thinks it's easy,

because all he sees

when he attends one

or two shows per year

is that I walk out onstage,

you guys start chanting,

and then cool sh*t magically

appears in his room.

He doesn't realize that

this is actually a job

and there's sacrifice

that comes along with it.

So I told him. I said, "Listen,

Frankie, how 'bout this?

"How 'bout you explain to me why

I should get you a new phone,

"and if it makes sense,

I'll do it right now. Go."

"I need one."

I said, "No, Frankie. You're a teenager.

You don't need a phone.

"A cell phone for a

teenager isn't a necessity.

"It's a luxury, okay?

"It's not a necessity,

it's a luxury."

He says, "What if

there's an emergency?"

I go, "Like what?

Someone taking your phone?

"What did you do today when

they took your phone?"

"I went to the...

I went to the cafeteria,

"and I talked to my friend Angel

"and he let me use his phone,

and I called my mom."

And I go, "And guess what?

If that doesn't work,

"you can go to the office

and let them know,

"'There's a family emergency,

please contact my mom or my dad.' Next."

"What if you need to

get a hold of me?"

"I know what school you go to."

"What about when I'm walking home?"

"I know the route that you take."

And then he pulled this one out,

one of the greatest lines ever.

"You know what?

You talk a lot about me on TV.

"People know who I am now.

"What if someone tries to kidnap me?"

I said, "You weigh 225. Good luck.

"They are not kidnapping your ass

"without an iPhone

and a box of Oreos.

"That's the only way

that's going to happen."

I said, "Frankie, do you

realize how lucky you are?

"You had a phone. I didn't

have a phone in school.

"Your mom didn't have

a phone in school.

"If we needed to make a phone call,

"we had to carry change,

or we had to call collect."

"What's that?" Oh, my God!

Trying to explain the concept

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