The Fundamentals of Caring Page #2

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Why is that fantastic news?

Because it's your time to shine. Let's go.

Ow.

I need to take a sh*t, come on.

Come on, be serious.

Take my legs.

How does it make sense to take my legs?

Are you gonna drag me to the toilet?

Put them down.

- You all right?

- Yeah.

Hold on, hold on.

Do you wanna just sh*t in your chair,

maybe?

Maybe.

Ben. Ben, it's jammed. Ben, help!

Who do you think would win

in a fight to the death. Me or a bird?

Help me! Help me!

Help!

How about me versus a lot of birds,

but all the birds

also had muscular dystrophy?

I think a bunch of big birds with

muscular dystrophy are f***ing you up.

- I enjoy this time together.

- Me too.

Can I ask you a question?

What?

If you woke up

and you were totally... fine...

what's the thing you'd wanna do most?

If I could do anything at all?

I'd really like to take a pee standing up.

Yeah, it's pretty awesome.

Bye.

If somebody tries to rob the bank today,

don't be a hero.

I can't promise anything

once the adrenalin kicks in.

Fair enough.

Did you arrange these to look

like large testicles and a small penis?

- Yep.

- Brilliant.

- Enjoy your breakfast.

- Thanks.

You never told me what you did before

you got into the ass-wiping business.

- I was a writer.

- No, you weren't. Really?

Yeah. I wrote a couple of novels

you've never heard of.

You're right. So, what is this?

Is this, like, research for you?

- Hardly. I'm retired.

- You're retired. Right.

Well, man, you should write about me.

Well, that would make

for a really interesting read.

Chapter One, Watches TV.

Chapter Two, Eats Waffles.

Chapter Three,

Watches TV, Then Eats Waffles.

- It writes itself.

- Seriously, I'm your man.

And when you do write about me, I want you

to describe me as handsome and cool.

The best stuff is truthful.

Ben Benjamin?

I have something for you.

Hey, wait!

This is a court order!

I know where you live!

You're just in time. The hot chick is on.

And today I'm going to visit with Rufus,

the world's...

If I had one night with her,

I swear when I was done,

she wouldn't be able to walk properly.

Oh, because you'd give

her muscular dystrophy?

Cute.

Rufus weighs 2,100 pounds.

Hey, check it out. World's

biggest bovine. Ritzville, Washington.

Ritzville. That's not far from here.

What if we saw

some of these places for real?

Have you been working

with lead-based paint in an enclosed area?

Come on. Don't you get bored

just sitting in this room

and going to the park once a week?

I mean, doesn't any part of you want

to see the world's deepest pit in person,

not just on TV?

I do. But if we're making bucket lists,

I'd put that way behind nailing

the Seattle Seahawk cheerleaders

- in a pyramid formation.

- I do hope that's televised.

Embarrassing.

All right. So, we go to a Seahawks game.

You know, most disabled people

don't just sit in their houses all day.

They get out and do things

like everybody else. You got a letter.

What are those?

Letters... from my father.

I didn't realize you had a father.

I was born, wasn't I?

It means I have a father.

No, I know, but...

He left when I was three.

Right when I was diagnosed.

- Probably just a silly coincidence.

- Oh. Sorry.

Can you feel the love tonight?

Well, I sure can. It's Valentine's Day.

And what more of a romantic place

to spend it

than here in Devil's Lake, North Dakota.

- So, you don't even read those?

- Really? We're still going on about this?

Sorry, it's just...

I... I don't know.

Aren't you even curious?

- I mean, it seems like he's reaching out...

- I used to read them. They're lame.

- Do you ever write back?

- No, I have not written him back.

- Does he say he's sorry for leaving?

- What's with you today?

He made his choice when I was three.

It was his choice, not mine.

He can live with it.

Let's leave it at that.

I'm just saying, you know,

he is still your father, maybe...

He's not still my father.

Okay? A father is supposed to be there

for his kid.

Protect him from harm.

That's the only job a father has.

You don't have a kid,

so what would you know about it?

This combination

of meals is simply...

There we go.

Now go get me some juice.

Hey, juice. Come on.

We're not paying you to sit on your ass.

Mr. Benjamin!

Mr. Benjamin!

Mr. Benjamin, I'm not gonna leave!

Thank you for staying.

Ever since I started, they've been begging

me to go to happy hour on Thursday.

I finally relented,

just to get them off my back.

- I won't be too late.

- Oh, it's fine. Trev's napping.

Oh, there's another thing.

Work's asked me to go to Atlanta

for a week for a training seminar.

- Oh. Why don't I stay here with Trev?

- Thank you.

Um...

There's one more thing.

You know, over the years, Trevor's

never become attached to any caregiver.

I'm so pleased you two get on so well,

but... you won't be here forever.

I know about your son.

You know,

I wouldn't let you be with Trevor

without first doing my due diligence.

What do you know exactly?

Everything. So does Trevor.

I'm so sorry, Ben.

I can't even...

- Trevor knows what happened?

- Yeah.

Three years is not a very long time,

and I can only guess

at your emotional state.

I can't have you getting too close

to Trevor.

I can't have you making promises

you can't keep.

ALOHA, right?

Ask, Listen, Observe, Help, Ask again.

Nothing more, yeah?

Sounds like my very obnoxious ride.

You knew about my kid and you said

all that father bullshit to me? Huh?

You think

because you're in a wheelchair

that gives you the right to say and do

whatever you want?

You ever considered

that maybe I'm just a prick,

with or without the wheelchair?

F*** you. And f*** your wheelchair.

And f*** your waffles and your stupid

f***ing map with all the places

that you're never ever gonna f***ing see.

F*** those letters

that you'll never reply to

'cause you're such

a self-absorbed piece of sh*t.

Is that the best you can do?

That's it? I thought you were a writer.

F*** this, f*** that. That's really lame.

I think you need a second draft.

I don't buy any of your bullshit.

You can make jokes all you want,

but you are wasting your life by sitting

in this house and watching TV.

Yeah? And what the f*** are you doing?

It's been three years, Ben.

Should you really be wiping my ass

for $9 an hour?

Sounds like you and Trevor

had quite a night last night.

- Yeah, sorry about...

- I specifically warned you

about the nature of your relationship,

didn't I?

Yeah, you did, but...

What makes you think I would ever let you

take my son on a road trip?

And now if I don't let him go see

the world's deepest pit

or biggest cow or whatever,

he's gonna be upset.

But of course I can't actually let him go.

Look, well, whatever.

When Ben burst into my room

and said we should go on a trip,

it just seemed like it would be fun.

- You know? So, just forget it.

- Well, it's not happening.

And I resent being put in this position.

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