The Fundamentals of Caring Page #3

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Honestly, what were you thinking?

- I was thinking it would be good for him.

- Good for him?

Do you have any idea what traveling

with someone like Trevor entails?

You lose his Deflazacort, then what?

Or the C-pap breaks in the middle

of nowhere? That be good for him?

He's never been more than an hour

from his house.

Maybe it's time to change that.

Look. It takes three or four days

to get to the world's deepest pit. Right?

We can see a lot of these other

roadside attractions along the way.

Two days to get back,

we're gone for a week.

I chart out all the hospitals

along the way.

And they'll lend me the van so we can

carry all of Trevor's machines and stuff.

We can go while you're in Atlanta.

You're suggesting I risk my son's life

so he can see a hole in the earth?

I'm suggesting that your son gets out

of the living room.

Right. When I get back from work, we're

gonna sit down and plan this to the T.

Wait. What?

Well done. That was very heroic how you

jumped in there without missing a beat.

- But I'm sorry, I can't do it.

- Why? This is your idea.

I know, but I think I was caught up

in the moment.

That moment being you telling me

to go f*** myself repeatedly.

This is great. The open road.

You know what? I'm gonna call

the Make-A-Wish Foundation

and I'll get Katy Perry to meet us

at a motel in Missoula.

What song do you want her to sing

while she's doing you?

"Fireworks."

- Did you get the van serviced?

- The van is serviced and ready to go.

- When?

- Everything's up to date.

Meaning you got it serviced

specifically for the trip,

or you got it serviced at the normal time

it was supposed to be serviced?

I want a text or a phone call

every three hours.

Hey, do you know

when he got the van serviced?

- Let's call this off.

- Okay.

He needs this.

- Do you need this?

- I don't need this.

He says he doesn't need this.

Elsa, I won't let anything happen

to your son.

I love you.

"He died trying to see the world's

deepest pit" is a really bad obituary.

Or is it?

Okay.

- What are you doing?

- It's all right.

It's all right. Here. I got you.

I got you. I got you. Look.

The road is all about living the dream,

my friend.

What are you talking about?

What are you doing? What are you doing?

You are gonna pee standing up.

No, no, no. Honestly,

it's not gonna work. It's a mistake.

- It's gonna work. All right?

- No, no, no.

It's fine. I got you.

- Give me a sec.

- I've got you. Shh.

Shh. Shh.

It is okay... Oh! Stop for a second.

Stop for a second.

- I can't stop.

- Grab your penis!

- I am! I've got my penis!

- That's holding your penis?

- Time for a little celebration.

- What are we celebrating?

This is the farthest

you've ever been from home.

What are you talking about?

I lived in England.

You know what I mean.

- You ever had a Slim Jim?

- What do you think?

- I think it's time.

- Not happening. No.

We have enough newness going on here.

Dude, were you...?

Were you just doing air quotes?

Don't... Don't ever do that again.

Trust me.

Come on.

This is what road trips are all about.

No.

It's really good.

Mmm!

Mmm!

That's a hell of a meat stick.

Mmm!

Oh.

Try it? Just try it?

Come on, have a bite of the Jim.

Bite the Jim.

Nibble on the Jim.

Bite of the James? Hm?

Isn't that what they say in your country?

A little bite of the James, shall we?

Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

Mmm! Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

Little bite of James!

Go on! Have a bite of James!

Let me see if there's any food

in there I can actually eat.

Cool f***ing sneakers.

Mall.

Mall.

What does that even mean? Mall?

It means that's where you get them from.

No, I know, but you didn't get them there.

You got them online.

It's where one would get them.

Although, you didn't say that.

I mean, you didn't say,

"Oh, you know, I got them at the mall."

You just said, "Mall."

Just one word. One syllable.

Well, I thought it was good

to get straight to the point.

Technically, that's the least amount

that you could say to a girl

and still have it qualify

as a conversation.

You know what? I'm wrong.

I'm wrong.

There is something shorter. "Ma."

What do you know about girls?

Your wife is trying to divorce you.

- "Cool sneakers." "Ma."

- I'm in a f***ing wheelchair, okay?

I could spew Shakespeare sh*t

and a girl like that's not

gonna be interested in me.

- Ma.

- F*** you, you're a 45-year-old ass-wiper.

Ma.

Ma, ma, ma

Ma, ma, ma

- I think I'm gonna give one of these a go.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

- Good.

See, I knew

the open road would be good for you.

What do you think? It's good, right?

Nice try.

That's really good. That's really funny.

Would you quit screwing around?

I'm driving.

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, sh*t.

Come on. Come on.

Goddamn it! Oh, you f***er!

Don't ever do that again!

You scared the sh*t out of me!

- I'm just kidding.

- Jesus Christ!

You know,

these are actually not that bad.

- Bite of the James?

- F*** you.

Whoa. Check it out, man.

Moo!

Hey, we're here to see Rufus,

the world's biggest bovine.

Okay, that's gonna be $4 apiece,

and what you're gonna do is...

Oh, I'm, uh... I'm sorry.

We keep, uh, Rufus on the second floor.

- Oh, you don't have handicap access?

- No. Sorry about that.

It's not a problem. Seriously.

What? No. It is a problem.

It's a huge problem.

No, you can go up and take a look at it

and then tell me about it.

No!

You're in violation of codes.

Look, why don't you and your son just

pick out something from our gift shop.

I don't think you understand

the gravity of the situation here.

Wait a sec.

You think we're father and son?

We came to see a giant cow.

We're going to see a giant cow.

I mean, what about the different accents?

Does that not bother you?

- Look. Here's a postcard.

- Postcard?

You think that's gonna solve this? What,

are you working with lead-based paint?

Hey, what the f***? That's mine.

Look, it's just like a regular cow

but bigger.

And we wanna see it.

And that's your problem.

Because you're the one that went into

the giant cow-showing profession, not me.

So, it's you that's gonna figure out

how we're gonna see a giant f***ing cow,

or else I'm gonna call the local news,

and I'm gonna have them send down the guy

that does that "Shame on You"

business-buster thing,

and he's gonna come down

with multiple cameras... Multiple cameras.

...and ask you why you think it's okay

that somebody with disabilities

isn't allowed to see a giant cow

like everyone else.

What number are you even dialing

right now?

Shut up.

It's ringing. What's it gonna be?

- Left! And careful, careful, careful.

- Not that much! Not that much!

- I got you, I got you!

- You're gonna crush us, Mikey!

Take as long as you need.

- You good?

- Yeah, you?

Yeah.

Thank you.

Come on! I'm losing my grip!

I'm losing my grip!

- No, wait!

- Okay, okay. No, please don't...

Well, I got good news and bad news.

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