The Gamers: Dorkness Rising Page #2

Okay....let's see your character then.

What's your strength bonus?

She doesn't have one.

Her highest stat is her intelligence

I've put other bonuses in dexterity and charisma.

Charisma?

WIIIIIIIIIII...

No strength bonus...

No constitution bonus...

How many hitpoints does she have?

Ah..let me see...45.

Ah...

A 9th level fighter with 45 hitpoints.

She's really gonna protect the party.

I put her other feats in speed and precision.

That's why intelligence is more important than strength.

It would be if you were a wizard. But you're not.

You're a fighter....a fighter with a giant "kill me" sign on her back.

With her charisma she should be able to talk her way out of most fights.

What? Negotiation isn't your style?

Not exactly, no.

Our phylosophy is: "beat it until it stops moving"

...and then shoot it...

...and then step on its cadaver.

Calm down, Gary.

If you play this character you are going to die.

I spent 2 hours on this character and I'm gonna play her, okay?

Ok.

Ok.

And when you die you can play bikini babe.

Fine.

Why did you two break up again?

Gary! Character?

I'm a wild mage. WILD!!

But you loser can call me sorceress.

Yes, that's right. I'm playing a chic!

Dude, you're hot?

Wanna have sex?

Totally.

Awesome! I seduce him....her.

Yes! I can totally seduce any homophobe with that roll.

We haven't started yet!

You guys haven't met.

Alright

Bone me later.

I'll be waiting, man meat.

After we've started please..

Leo, I assume you are playing a fighter again?

Actually I'm going as bard.

Really? That is....bit of a jump for you. You only played fighters before.

How different can they be?

I'm playing a monk.

What's he gonna do? Copy manuscripts?

Think "Kung Fu Monk", grasshopper.

Oh, that doesn't seem to fit, does it?

No, it doesn't

I told you guys that there are no monks in my world.

And I told you that if we're playing by 3rd edition rules I can play any

basic character class.....and monk....

...is a basic character class.

I based my world on a fantasized western medieval period

There were no "kung fu monks" in western europe.

If Joanna can play a character that she wants,

I can play any character that I want.

I'm asking to play a basic character class

...and you're blocking me.

You're breaking the rules...again.

I play a monk or I don't play.

And they don't play.

- I play. - No, you don't!

Yes, I do.

Fine. You can play a monk. But he's got to fit the world.

He has got to be a western monk...

...occidental.

- You think you can handle that? - Of course.

Good

- You think you can handle that? - Of course.

Good

Now is there anything else?

- No, that's it. - Alright.

Oh, I'm also playing an elf.

What? No, you're not.

Yeah, yeah thats right.

I told you guys that this is an all human campaign.

There are no elves in my world.

And I told you that "elf" is a basic character race and...

..and since we're playing by the rules..

ADVENTURE STARTING! ADVENTURE.

We begin in the throne room where three of you have answered

the summons to the king.

His royal majesty "Erasmus, the randomly bias"

There is a great evil in our land

The vile necromancer, Mort Kemnon.

Daily his power grows stronger

and yet it appears that our goddess has forsaken us

...for she answers not our prayers.

Now can I seduce her?

In the middle of the throne room?

Why not? We started!

Mort Kemnon has discovered an evil artifact.

A cursed item known as the "Mask of Death".

Find him and kill him!

Bring me this mask...

so that its evil may not spread across our land.

Flofenrest...

...the staff!

I present to you this "Staff of Ressurection".

If one of your party should fall during the quest..

...it need not be their end.

Go forth noble heroes.

May Therin light your way.

Go forth noble heroes.

May Therin light your way.

The city is near to bursting with a flood of refugees.

You hear mutters of Mort Kemnon as they shuffle toward the safety of the castle.

Corn, sellery, oranges...

Fresh bread..

Onions.

Cabbages...the finest cabbages in the land.

I wanna talk to the farmer.

Why?

Well...if he is from out of town he might be able to tell us where the evil wizard is.

That's a great idea...

Thanks!

...for that it sucks.

There is no way that he knows where he is.

Why not?

He's a random NPC.

And as we all now my NPCs are "cardboard cut outs".

NPC?

Non player character.

Oh, right.

Which of course I'm supposed to know.

Don't worry, we don't need anything from him. We know where we're going.

No, you don't!

We've done the adventure twice before...

...we need to go to the mountains.

Your characters don't know where to go.

Are you saying that there's not an adventure hook in the...

Yes.

No, it's beside the point.

And the point? He's beside the mountains...off we go.

I still wanna talk to him. It's what my character would do.

How long have you been in town my friend?

Oh...scarcly a day, my lady.

There are goblins in the mountains you should know.

Boring!

Have you heard anything....strange in your travels?

Rumors about where Mort Kemnon might be?

I believe the adventure is that way!

Aye...those mountains look quest-worthy.

The sooner you tell me what you know...

...the sooner you can safely return to your land.

Well..it may be nothing but I heard that things were not right in...

Ahhhhhhhhh!

What the hell did you just cast?

Flaming hand of fiery doom!

On a farmer?

You cast a 4th level spell on a 0th level peasant?

Yeah!

Waffles!!

Totally!

That spell is for killing demons.

I'm lawful good. Am I morally obliged to kill him?

What the hell were you thinking?

I was just trying to get on with the story.

How are we supposed to trust you?

We've just met and the first thing you do..after boinking a stranger...

...in the presence of the king...is to murder a peasant because you were bored??

I'm chaotic neutral! I'm just playing my alignment.

......That was a decidedly evil act.

You know I think I am morally oblieged to kill him now.

One more of those and I'm shifting your alignment to chaotic evil.

Got it?

Got it!

How much experience do I get for the farmer?

Gary? Are you forgetting something?

Oh...you got some peasant on your face.

Like what?

Hail...Flynn the fine.

Hail, random creepy knife guy.

Dumbass...bardic knowledge?

Oh, right... you are totally...

The lord high inquisitor.

Lord high inquisitor.

Of the grand illuminated holy order of Therin

....what he said

Hail!

The hierophant begs an audience.

Listen...if this is about that farmer..

...I totally thought he was a demon.

Follow us!

No, no...seriously...

He was talking about..like there was a hellgate in one of those things.

Seriously...I know it was in here somewhere. He had the horns and the fangs...

and then he said he was going to pee fire on us.

I had no choice...I didn't think...it was like this...

And I'm pretty sure he was eating a baby...

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