The Gay Divorcee Page #4

what is there here to ring with?

Pardon, sir, that's just a figure of speech.

Well, bring me...

Let me have a...

There. There, you see?

Your figure of speech has made me

forget entirely what I wanted.

Could it have been

that you required crumpets, sir?

No, no, no. I never ring for crumpets.

Would you be the kind of man

who'd ring for a toasted scone, sir?

Scone? Well, now...

No, no, try me again.

Well, then, can you imagine yourself...

...with a hankering

for a nice gooseberry tart?

Oh, what an acid thought. Please.

No crumpets, no scones,

no gooseberry tart.

Well, that lands both of us

in a cul-de-sac, doesn't it, sir?

Of course it does. I knew it would.

You know, I hate to leave you like this.

You, torn with doubts...

...and me with my duty undischarged.

Oh, well, cheer up, old man, cheer up.

It will come to me.

Was it animal or vegetable, sir?

No.

Well, that leaves us mineral, doesn't it, sir?

Now, sir, was it a bit of half-and-half?

A noggin of ale...

...a pipkin of porter...

...a stoup of stout...

...or a beaker of beer?

Tea.

Tea? Well, isn't it a small world, sir?

- Hello, Mrs. Glossop.

- Oh, hello, Mr. Fitzgerald.

Well, well, well.

All ready for graduation day?

Oh, hello, Egbert.

Oh, no. It can't...

Oh, it is. It's a stowaway.

I thought you might forget something,

so I came down to help you.

So good of you. Yes, yes.

Now, Mrs. Glossop, before you register...

...I'm very anxious to have just a few

last words with you.

- Last words?

- Yes, if you don't mind. Right here.

Thank you. Now...

Oh, Egbert.

Pardon.

Yes. Now...

I have come to the conclusion

that to expedite matters...

...it will be necessary for someone

to discover you with someone...

...other than your husband.

Just as a matter of form, of course.

Hortense, I don't think I can go

through with it.

Now, don't be silly. Get it over with.

Think of Cyril Glossop. Think hard.

I knew that would do it.

Good. Now, the young man

is on his way here.

You understand, of course,

it wouldn't be technically correct...

...for me to introduce you.

He will present himself to you.

Then we'll need a password.

It's too mysterious and wonderful.

Well, I have the password. I have it.

The young man will say to you,

"Chance is the fool's name for fate."

Shakespeare?

Nothing of the kind.

It's a thing of my own.

"Chance is the fool's name for fate."

Good. That's just it. Yes.

Now, it will be necessary

for you to have a name.

A name, of course, yes.

So your name will be Mrs. Green.

Green. I do adore green.

And, you know, the oculists say

it's very soothing to the eye.

Oh, Egbert, are you coming with us?

Why, Hortense. Oh, my, no.

You can't remain with her.

This is supposed to be

a clandestine affair.

You can't have a clandestine affair

between three people.

That's what you say.

By any chance, are you Mr. Tonetti?

Rudolfo Tonetti at your service.

Yes. Well, I am Mr. Fitzgerald.

Mr. Fitzgerald? I am delightful.

I shouldn't doubt it, old man.

I shouldn't doubt it.

But don't you think a corespondent

ought to come to work quietly?

Let's have more repose

and less Rigoletto.

I am ready for action

and I will do a first-class job.

Well, don't be too determined about it.

The lady in question is very sensitive

and you must treat her accordingly.

Whichever way the wind,

she is blowing, that is the way I sail.

- Yes. Well, sit down.

- Pardon, your tea, sir.

Your life, Mr. Tonetti...

...must be full of excitement.

Full of excitement and full of danger.

- Oh, yes, of course, from the husbands.

- No, from the ladies.

Oh, how interesting.

But, Tonetti, he know what to do.

Yes, sometimes the lady and I

have the conversations.

Sometimes I play the concertina.

Sometimes I play the solitaire,

but mostly I practice my singing.

At home, my wife

do not like me to sing.

Unquestionably, a woman

of great perspicacity.

You bet.

You're absolutely sure, Mr. Tonetti,

that my client will be safe?

Oh, signor, with me, strictly business.

My slogan:

"Your wife is safe with Tonetti.

He prefer spaghetti."

Now, listen.

- I'll give you the password.

- Yes.

When you see the lady,

you must go to her...

...and say, "Chance is

the fool's name for fate."

- "Chance is the foolish name..."

- "For fate."

"The fool's name for fate."

Yes. Well, tell me, please,

what she mean?

Well, you have to have some method.

You have to... When you...

Who? Oh, never mind.

- Never mind what it means. Just say it.

- Yes.

Now, Tonetti, remember...

...I want delicacy, tact,

assurance, finesse.

I have brought everything.

And now, con permesso, I go inside

to make the telephone call...

...to tell my wife I am safely arrive.

"Fate is no fooling..." No.

"Chances are a foolish..."

Oh, scusi, please.

"Taking the name of a foolish..."

Pardon, ma'am,

can I be of service to you?

I doubt it.

Let me have the menu.

I'm waiting for my niece.

What have you?

Crumpets, ma'am.

That's too bad, isn't it.

Does it run in the family?

Begging your pardon, ma'am,

but that's very "whumsical."

- What?

- Very "whumsical," ma'am.

You know, like Sir James Barrie.

You mean "whimsical," don't you?

In a manner of speaking, yes, ma'am.

Why not "whamsical," then?

Pardon, ma'am, but "whumsical" is

much more whimsical than "whamsical."

You know, you're beginning to fascinate me

and I resent that in any man.

I'm sorry, ma'am.

Oh, hello, darling.

I was just going to order.

I really can't eat a thing.

But you must eat. After all, you can't

have a divorce on an empty stomach.

What's the matter?

You look as though

you'd seen your husband.

It's Guy Holden,

the man I told you about.

What have you done?

Sent out invitations for this affair?

Well, I didn't know he was here.

Oh, he mustn't see me.

Mimi. Mimi.

Mimi.

I've been chasing after you.

You mustn't run like that.

- Why not?

- It's bad for my health.

What are you doing here?

- Same as you.

- What?

I came down here

looking for pieces of my heart.

Oh, no. Mimi, do you know

what I've been doing?

Thinking of you, longing for you,

waiting to hear from you.

I haven't left my telephone.

Well, as I remember it,

you gave me a London number.

Well, I had to come down here

just overnight.

A little business.

Oh, yes, I saw quite a few of them

in bathing suits this afternoon.

Oh, no, Mimi. Nothing like that.

Why didn't you at least

just leave some message for me?

- I did.

- You did?

But they said that you'd left London.

Mimi, you did call. That's wonderful.

I'd better leave now.

Please don't go.

It's going to be grand here.

They're having a gala on the esplanade.

It's usually pretty terrible.

But think what it will mean

to miss seeing it.

It's worthwhile staying down here

just to miss it.

Please don't ask me to stay.

All right, I won't.

Don't go. I've so many things

to say to you.

Like the beat, beat, beat

Of the tom-tom

When the jungle shadows fall

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