The Golden Calf Page #10

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Get out, all of you, citizens from the 'hard' car!

Otherwise, I'll go to the chief!

These are guests.

They only come to visit us for a while.

We're returning from our summer factory practice.

It's against the rules.

Go away! Clear out!

What the matter with you, papa.

Passengers ought not to be lynched

without special necessity.

You must be more hospitable.

Come on, I'll explain it to you right away.

A remarkable thing. This morning

we weren't even acquainted...

...but now we feel as if

we have known him for 10 years.

According to the laws of hospitality!

That's how it should've been done in the first place!

This zwieback is removed by one step

from a grinding stone.

And this step has already been taken.

Come to our polytechnicum!

You'll get a stipend of 75 rubles.

You'll live like a god!

We have a table with stewed fruits every day.

I've already graduated from a liberal art school.

What are you doing now?

- Work along what line?

- Along the financial line.

Accountant?

Cash messenger?

Bank clerk?

No, Raya, I have no job.

I'm a millionaire.

- How many millions have you?

- One.

Not much! Not much!

It's enough for me.

Wow!

Everything is in place.

There's ten thousand in every package.

One million minus some change.

Great!

That's how it is, Sasha.

I live like a god, or like a demi-god,

which, after all, is the same thing.

- How much do we owe for the tea?

- Forget it, dude. Who counts.

How many did we drink, comrades?

We'll have to ask the train porter.

I'll go check our luggage.

I also have to check my stuff.

When did they all run to?

- Why did you devils suddenly become sad?

- Help me from here!

Where are you going?

Suppose we sing something solid.

I have a marvelous Volga bass!

- Where did they all run to?

- Indeed, I have to find out.

Wait. I was joking!

I'm a worker!

I'm the director of a symphonic orchestra!

Believe me! I'm the son of Lieutenant Schmidt!

My farther is a Turkish subject...

I have deceived you, Adam.

I cannot present you with

an "Isotta-Fraschini", nor a "Lincoln",..

...not even a "Buick".

The government does not regard me as a purchaser.

They want to know how I earned the money.

The only thing I can do is to buy you

a bit of trash like our 'Antelope'.

My "Lauren-Dietrich" is a good machine.

If I could only have a used oil pipe...

I have brought you the pipe.

And some other auto-junk.

With this I wouldn't need any "Buicks".

Do you know, Adam, here's a bit of news.

A column of air, weighing 214 kilos,..

...presses upon every citizen,

even party members.

- No, But why?

- How why? It's a scientific, medical fact.

And recently I have found it extremely oppressive.

Think of it! 214 kilos!

I don't sleep well.

What?

Nothing. I'm listening.

I feel very bad.

Nobody loves me,

like Panikovsky used to say.

By the way, let's honor his memory by rising.

Let's drive.

Let's drive.

Drive where?

Wherever.

Yesterday in the street an old woman stopped me...

...and asked me to buy an everlasting wick

for a primus stove. I didn't buy it.

I don't need an everlasting wick!

I don't want to live forever.

I want to die.

I have all the banal symptoms of being in love:

absence of appetite, sleeplessness,

and maniacal urge to compose verse.

Listen to what I wrote last night...

...by the guttering light of an electric lamp:

I recollect a wondrous instant;

and you appeared before me then,

beloved, like a passing shadow,

like the spirit of pure beauty.

Good, isn't it?

Talented!

And only a dawn did I remember that

this verse had already been written by A.Pushkin

Such a blow delivered by the classic!

Have you called on her... on Zosya Viktorovna?

I shan't go.

I am proud and modest.

I sent her 350 rubles worth of telegrams

from different cities of the country...

...and did not receive even

a half ruble's worth of reply.

i did it! I! With whom

housewives, houseworkers, widows...

...and even a woman dentist,

have fallen in love!

No, Adam, I will not go! Good-by.

Where are you going?

Do you need a ride?

Wrap it.

Thanks.

[To the People's Commissar of Finance. Valuable.]

Zosya...

I have arrived:

it is impossible to brush this fact aside.

Do you know, Zosya, every man

is subject to the pressure...

...of a column of atmosphere

that weights 214 kilos.

What a lugubrious lover!

Indeed, I'm a typical Eugene Onegin,..

...and, at the same time,

a knight deprived of his heritage.

A fine knight you are!

Don't be angry, Zosya.

Consider the column of atmosphere!

It seems to me that it presses upon me

with greater force then on other citizens.

This is because I love you.

And besides,

I am not a member of a trade union.

That's another reason.

Also it's because you lie

more than other citizens!

That is not a lie. It is a law of physics.

And yet, perhaps there really is no column,..

...and all this is only my imagination.

I am 33 years old.

The age of Jesus Christ.

But what have I done until now?

I have created no religion.

I have wasted my disciples.

I have not brought the dead Panikovsky to life,

and only you...

Well, good-by. I'm going to the restaurant.

I'm also going to dine. I'll eat some shchi

- The restaurant is only for students.

- Well, then I'll just sit.

- Let me introduce you.

- Pericles. Femidi, Pericles.

Bender-Zadunaisky.

What! Are you also Zadunaisky?

You, too, are no longer Sinitskaya.

Judging by the socks...

I am Sinitskaya-Femidi.

For 25 days already.

"Silver" wedding anniversary.

I like your husband.

I like him myself.

It happens sometimes

that youth does not pass...

...as you have imagined

in your tender years...

...and life proves to be coarse

and low like a bass key.

In this sailor's borshch

swim the remains of a shipwreck.

What are you line of work?

I'm secretary of the art-collective

of railroad painters.

A representative of a collective.

I might have expected that.

However I shall no longer interfere

with the proper secretion of you gastric juices,..

...which are indispensable to health.

The girl was stolen!

Right out of the stall!

The representative of the collective...

...stole from the private millionaire...

Here is another Apostle Paul for you!

Accursed Seventh Day Adventist!

Goody-goody, son of a b*tch!

I shall hang myself.

Such a Tolstoian deserves to be killed.

I only...to inquire. My mother!.. Uncle!

My I have my parcel back. Just for a minute.

Comrade, we never give parcels back.

What! Have you sent it already?

I brought it only an hour ago.

We never give parcels back.

But it is my parcel. Do you understand?

I sent it, and I want to take it back.

You see, I forgot to put in a jar of preserves.

Quinces!

My uncle will be frightfully disappointed.

We never give parcels back. Comrade.

- It won't hurt your uncle any.

- But you don't know my uncle!

"My uncle is so well respected" [A.Pushkin]

I'm a poor student.

Impoverished childhood in Kremenchug!

The uncle weaned me... using a woman.

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