The Golden Calf Page #9

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It's an opera!..

A wing!..

The neck!..

The drumstick!...

The old man is impossible.

Shura!.. Shura!..

Shura, go and bring that malingerer here.

[ Car Exchange ]

I was frequently unjust to the deceased.

Was the deceased a moral person?

No, he was not a moral person.

He was an ex-blindman, usurper and goose-thief.

He devoted all his powers to the task

of living at the expense of society.

But society did not want him

to live at its expense...

[ Here Lies Mikhail Panikovsky

A Man Without a Passport ]

...and he could not endure this contradiction in views

because his was an excitable character.

And therefore he died.

That's all.

Say something, Shura.

Comrades!

The international situation...

Our response to Chamberlain...

Rest in peace.

And to think that I beat him for the dumbbells!

And even before that, I fought with him!

Onward! We have to go!

Why did you stop?

The nearest station is 20 miles away.

Then we'll move toward the east.

Well?

I will not go. Don't be offended,

but I have no faith.

I don't know where we ought to go.

We'll perish there.

I shall remain.

This is just what I wanted to tell you...

I have no faith.

As you wish. What are you going to do?

I'll become again on of the children

of Lieutenant Schmidt.

I'll put the Antelope together.

I'll find her, look over her and fix her up.

The northern and the southern parts of

the Turkestan Railroad are united!

The rally is over.

The dinner for the builders and guests is served.

Hey, you, there on the schooner!

You are a mean one!

Why don't you pull out the whole suitcase?

Anything else?

Where are we going to split our money?

Station Khatsepetovka!

Step out, citizen! We have arrived.

By the way, I have entirely forgotten

to tell you something.

Perhaps you intend to cut my throat...

...to chop in parts and ship them

in different cities on slow trains?

Also ferment my head in a barrel of cabbage...

I want you to know I'm opposed to it.

You need not check it.

I conduct business with the efficiency of a bank.

What a good folder it was.

I wish I can keep it but I need money.

And so I'm a millionaire!

Then, make me a movie star.

The dreams of an idiot have come true!

Let's go!

Stop!

Let's fly, Alexander Ivanovich!

Stop! Don't rush.

We are passengers. Two tickets!

Do you have first class?

We accept no passengers.

This is a special flight.

Wait. I'm buying the airplane!

Wrap it up in paper!

- Did you see it?

- Provincial overzealousness.

Wake up! And so came day six.

I'm Emir Dynamite!

If we don't find decent food in 2 days,..

...I'll rouse some tribes to rebellion.

Upon my word! I'll declare a djihad.

For example, against Danes!

There's always a cause.

Why did the Danes torture their Prince Hamlet?

I'll buy rifles from the English --

-- they love to sell firearms.

Can you imagine the invasion of tribes in Denmark?

I shall ride on a white camel at the head of all!

There is no Panikovsky!

How he would appreciate A Danish goose!

Wake up, Alexander Ivanovich.

Here is a little city

that is no worse than Baghdad.

I was here 5 years ago...

...and gave anti-abortion lectures.

There used to be a pair of saloons

of Eastern style...

But this is not Rio de Janeiro.

I'm going to the railroad station right away.

I've had enough. I'm going to the station

to give up my suitcase for safekeeping...

...and get a job somewhere.

Good accountants are now in demand.

- Allow me?

- No, this is to stay with me.

And those are souvenirs for your services.

Must be a foreigner.

Arise, Count!

Great affairs awaits you!

Ochakov? ... I will not do it again. ...

Do you recognize me?

- Commander!

- Don't embrace me. I'm a haughty man now!

You're brown!

My, how brown you've become!

Yes, I've become brown.

Look at my suit. Europe! A-1!

The ring finger of my hand is adorned

with a diamond! Four carats!

Well, what are your attainments?

Still a son?

So,so. Mostly little things.

Tell me honestly, Shura, how much money

do you need for happiness?

But no! Not just for to-day, but in general.

For happiness!

So that you will live well in the world.

For a total happiness?

Very well.

Here's 50 thousand.

- Was it really on a little plate?

Yes, with a blue border.

The defendant brought it in his teeth.

He wagged his tail for a long time...

..before I agreed to accept it.

Now I am in command of the parade! I feel fine.

But what about Rio de Engineiro?

Shall we go?

The devil take it!

There is no Rio de Janeiro!

And there is no America!

And there is no Europe!

There is nothing over there.

The waves of the Atlantic Ocean

break on Shepetovka,

[Ostap means former border point

on USSR's western frontier.]

A certain doctor explained everything to me.

The rest of the world is a myth

about life beyond the grave.

He who goes abroad never returns!

It's simply a circus!

What a fine time I'll have now!

Poor Panikovsky!

How he would have enjoyed this!

I propose to honor the memory

of the deceased by rising.

- Sit down.

And Kozlevich...

He actually put the "Antelope" together

and is working in Chernomorsk.

He sent me a letter.

Wrote that he was fine but out of money.

Asked me to send him an oil pipe

and to visit him there.

He's a good old man.

Now I'll run out

and try to find his oil pipe.

Don't bother. I'll buy him a new machine.

As for you, we'll have to get you some more clothes.

Let's go to the Grand Hotel.

I've reserved a room

for the conductor of the symphonic orchestra.

And what do you think is conductor's name?

Schmidt.

It's a circus!

I'll put you in an elementary school.

You'll learn how to read and to write.

You'll become a real man.

Hey, old man, how much?

Beat it. That is the carriage of the past.

You cannot go far in it.

My bet there's no taxi.

So, we'll have to take a street car.

Shura, mind your pockets!

I've been robbed!

Hold him!

There he is!

Bandit! Finger! Thief!

He stole my purse!

There was a powder box

and 1 ruble and 75 kopecks in there.

Hold him!

There was also my trade union id.

I'm a trade-unionist, you know.

Don't let him go.

Escort him to the police.

How did it happen?

I did it mechanically!

Swear to God. I did not want to...

I'll show you -- mechanically!

Goodbye, Commander!

It was an accident.

I did not mean it...

In a train to Chernomorsk...

They've cremated homeless boy.

Yet, alive -- he jumps for joy.

Furnace opens -- what they hear?

"Close the door, it's drafty here!"

Peter, called the Great (poor Pete!)

Had no kith and had no kin,

Just a snake and one old nag,

This was all his family.

The Seer has come!

Favorite of Rabindranath Tagore.

The famous Bombay yogi ...

... Iokanaan Marusidze.

Performance of Sherlock Holmes experiments.

The invisible hen.

The prophet Samuel answers all questions.

The materialization of spirits

and the distribution of...

... elephants.

What's going on here, citizens?

What is the meaning of this crowd?

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