The Good Guy Page #4

I just-- I crashed last night.

Cash is killing me about Daniel.

Really? what's wrong with him?

He's like Forrest f***ing Gump.

Without the people skills.

I'm heading to SoHo

right now to work on him.

I thought we were gonna

spend the day in the park.

Beth, please. I'm being pulled

In a ton of different directions right now.

Fine. But I need to be

a priority too sometimes.

I'll call you later, I promise.

Doesn't matter what

you talk about at first,

just show the woman

that you are passionate about something.

Like what?

It's your life.

You tell me.

I don't know.

Okay. You like to read, right?

- Yeah.

- what do you love to read?

Dickens, Tolstoy.

- I like Austen, Jane Austen.

- Okay, classics.

Might be a little brainy

to start out with.

So let's see, what else?

I can give you the flight specs

for every domestic aircraft since 1950.

Classics.

Let's talk more about those.

Talk about books she might like.

But be careful, 'cause you can't act,

Iook, and talk all like the same guy.

You gotta mix it up.

What does that mean?

Just if you were a surfer,

be a surfer who likes to read.

If you're a dork, be a dork

Who likes to salsa dance.

You know? Just--

If you act boring

and you look boring,

guess what?

You're boring.

What are you doing?

Tommy, this sounds ridiculous.

It's totally f***ing ridiculous,

you know?

I'm not telling you

the way things should be.

I'm telling you how they are.

And unfortunately, a woman,

Within three seconds,

Is gonna notice whether or not

your shoes match your pants

or your shirt's buttoned up too high

or it's tucked in when it shouldn't be

or you have a cell phone

attached to your woven belt.

This is--

Look, when you were overseas,

didn't you find any, like,

really cool clothes?

You want me to wear

a sarong to work?

Look, I can't stand guys that try

to make a statement with what they wear.

- It's not me.

- Daniel.

I'm not trying to turn you into some big city,

man cougar prick like Cash

or any of those guys.

All I'm saying is, unfortunately,

What you wear does

make a statement to women,

and your statement right now is,

''Hi. welcome to Blockbuster.''

We're going in here.

Can you help this guy out?

What did you have in mind

for little Tommy Hilfiger here?

Just something he can wear out in public.

I'm right here, guys.

I can hear what you're saying.

Maybe something casual sexy.

- Sounds about right.

- How sexy?

Medium.

Or small sexy.

Tommy, you didn't have to pay for this.

No, it's worth it.

Hey, I forgot my clothes.

- Yeah. Leave them.

- Yeah, but those are Banana Republic.

Exactly.

You still haven't told Tommy

about San Francisco?

F***.

I keep putting it off.

It would just put

so much pressure on things.

Yeah, but you're running out of time.

God, I hope my f***ing vibrator

appreciates this.

Hey, isn't Lisa supposed to be here?

I don't know, maybe she didn't want

to have her vagina torn off.

- Hello?

- Hey, where are you?

I'm home.

Can you guys come over?

- Yeah, what's wrong?

- Oh, b*tch f***er.

Bill left his email account

open on his computer.

We'll be right there.

Don't go early.

Don't go early.

Don't go early.

Ow, son of a b*tch!

Steve-O, you're at, like, a ten.

I need you down

at a shut the f*** up.

F*** right off, okay?

Come on, let's go again.

- Does it hurt that bad?

- There you go. Shot.

- Refill. Jesus.

- All right, now, everybody listen, listen.

- Daniel?

- Yes.

What have you learned today?

To show your customers

that they want something

- that you have and--

- No sales pitch, right?

People see that sh*t coming

a mile away, right?

How do you do it?

F*** me!

What is wrong

With the American people?

I don't know.

How do you do it?

- How do I do it?

- Yeah.

Never kiss someone's ass.

- You're better off just f***ing with them.

- It's a lot more fun.

Okay, so first thing Monday morning

I'm gonna call all my accounts and say,

''Hey, you fat fucks,

you wanna buy some stock?''

Was that a joke?

- lt was bad, I'm sorry.

- You're not even listening.

- I need you to focus, okay?

- Sorry.

All right, and stop apologizing so much.

Sorry. Sh*t.

Look, the reason these rules

are important is because

they're the same rules

that apply to meeting women,

Which is even more important

for you to learn.

Wait. women don't actually

Like being insulted.

That's misogynist bullshit.

No. what women hate

Is getting lied to by guys

Who are just trying to sleep with them.

What if I'm not just

trying to sleep with them?

Then you're gay.

F***!

God, that actually hurts a lot.

Had to get him distracted.

Here's to Iceman...

not learning anything, ever.

That's a horrible game.

I think my sperm count

Is officially lower.

Let's do it again.

All I'm saying is that obviously,

something was really wrong

If you were already that suspicious.

Oh, but that doesn't give me the right

to go snooping around like that.

Oh, will you listen to yourself?

Your boyfriend cheats on you

and you're mad at yourself

for catching him.

People do make mistakes, Jordan.

Locking your keys in the car

With the engine running is a mistake.

Repeatedly f***ing your ex-girlfriend

Is not a mistake.

Jordan, come on.

He said it was only the one time.

That is such bullshit.

Infidelities are like cockroaches.

For every one you catch,

there are a hundred you don't.

Hey, you're not helping her right now.

Can you just be supportive and not turn this

Into some stupid male-bashing session?

Where's Tommy tonight?

You know what your problem is?

You wouldn't know what to do

If a great guy just threw himself at you.

At least I'm giving myself

a chance to be happy.

Maybe use your sensitive side.

- Show that off.

- Yes.

Use the fact that you are

a complete p*ssy to your advantage.

Coming from the guy

that brought the piata and the blindfold.

Hit the thing.

- what's pink?

- Xanax, man.

You can take whatever you want

and you'll sleep like a rock.

- Yellow.

- Yellow is Ecstasy.

I left my glow sticks back in 1997.

- what's blue?

- Blue's Viagra.

It's perfect for you.

- I'm good, thanks.

- No, my friend.

Power up, okay?

Like, the ladies expect it these days.

Never take a knife

to a gunfight, mate.

Gunfight. That's a nice metaphor.

Don't listen to these guys.

No tourists.

You ready to be released

Into the wild?

Hey, guys.

We got everybody.

No, honey, we don't need these.

She's beautiful.

You think so?

- Yeah.

- You should tell her.

Do you have water?

I'm sure she gets hit on

all the time, though.

You're probably right,

she probably does get hit on all the time

by guys who don't

actually care, you know,

If she's a Gemini

or what her cat's name is.

But I'm not asking you to go over there

and feed her a line.

I just want you to go talk to her.

You keep telling me what

I'm not supposed to do.

I don't know what

I'm supposed to say.

I'm in the low self-esteem business.

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