The Goodbye Girl Page #5

I'm not a quitter.

You want me to do Richard III

like Tatum O'Neal, I'll do it.

Just don't let me look foolish out there.

You feel foolish?

I feel like an a**hole!

I passed foolish on Tuesday.

- We have to trust each other, Elliot.

- I do.

- I was never going to let you do it like that.

- Thank God!

But do you see where I'm heading?

I'm trying, Mark.

Richard was gay, there's no doubt about it.

Let's use that as subtext.

We'll keep it, but now we can put back

the hump and the clubfoot.

- And the twisted fingers?

- If you like.

I love 'em. I'm crazy about 'em!

Then use them, baby,

and you'll see what I'm after.

Just try it my way.

I will never let you go wrong.

Haven't we met in our apartment?

Please. I enjoy shopping.

Don't ruin this for me, too.

Relax. We don't have to fight

until we get home.

- We need soap, darling.

- Not in my bathroom, you don't.

This is silly. If you get what you need

and I get what I need...

...we'll blow a lot of bread

gettin' the same things, including bread.

Why don't we have one shopping list

and split the bill?

On what items?

Food! Bathroom and kitchen cleansers,

everything...

...except male and female doodads.

In that area, you go your way

and I go my way.

We split everything?

Everything. I'll pay my full one-third share.

- One third?

- I'm not the one with the daughter.

Didn't Lady Anne wash her hands

the other night?

Quick. I like a quick girl.

Okay, right down the middle.

Okay.

Hold it! I'll take care of that.

Good idea, sharing expenses.

By the way, I need shoes next week.

A little Chianti? Can't have

Spaghetti Marinara without a little vino.

- You can on my budget.

- I'll blow for the booze.

Short of stature but not tight of pocket.

I'll be right out.

A bottle of your finest cheap Chianti,

please.

I have a nice California red for $1.80.

- $1.80?

- Right.

Nothing from Kansas?

No, seriously, this is a nice red.

- This goes with spaghetti?

- Perfect with spaghetti.

Thank you. It's under $2.00, right?

Yeah, $1.80 is pretty much under $2.00,

as far as I know.

- All right, thank you.

- Thank you very much.

Appreciate it.

Take care. What the...

They took my bag! They took my bag!

What? Who?

In the car. They grabbed my bag.

Jumped out and grabbed it!

- It had everything in it!

- Those dirty bastards!

Aren't you gonna go after them?

After a speeding car?

Thanks a lot!

But they could be armed!

Do you want me to fight

with a can of tomato paste?

Just leave me alone!

I think you ought to call the police

and report it. I could call 'em for you.

I wish you were that helpful

while I was being robbed!

What do you want from me anyway?

I'm not a German Shepherd.

Oh, my God, it's them!

- Who?

- The ones who took my bag! Stop!

Where are you going?

What is this, Police Woman?

Get out of the way!

I'm gonna get a bullet

between my goddamn eyes!

Somebody, stop those men!

Wait!

Give me the bag! I'm not afraid of you guys!

Get out of the car!

I was just askin'.

Relax!

Just a simple question...

Thank you very much.

I had all my money in there.

Everything.

My last dollar in the world.

You and your goddamn Chianti.

What does Chianti have to do with it?

Why can't you at least thank me

for risking my life for you?

Did you get me my bag back? No.

So why should I thank you?

Why do I have such lousy luck

every time an actor comes into my life?

I hate all of you.

Get away from me!

Just get away.

I really don't think they robbed you

'cause I'm an actor.

After I graduated from Northwestern,

my first summer job was in Lake Michigan.

I did ten plays in ten weeks.

I really worked like a dog.

I had hepatitis and mumps and never knew it.

I thought I was just getting yellow and fat.

Which plays?

First play was Inherit the Wind.

I played the reporter.

Gene Kelly did in the movie.

Right. Very good.

He did a very nice job, too.

He didn't dig as deeply as I did.

Next I did Cyrano de Bergerac.

Jos Ferrer. I saw it last week on Channel 9.

I used half the nose, got twice the laughs.

It's style that counts, darling,

it is not makeup.

You don't think much of yourself, do you?

Pound for pound, I got the biggest ego

this side of St. Louis.

You gotta see the face

to appreciate the work.

What else? I taught drama for a semester

at Duluth Junior College.

- You taught drama? Far out!

- Very far out. It's up near Canada.

You want some more wine?

- Niente on the Chianti.

- That's good. You're terrific with words.

- You always pick the right ones.

- Words are the canvas of an actor.

His lips are his brushes, and his tongue,

the colors of the spectrum.

And when he speaks, he paints portraits.

- He's very classy!

- The kid's got a good eye.

Not like Tony. He wasn't a classy actor.

He was just, you know... sexy!

You don't think I'm sexy?

Are you kidding?

What do you know? You're 10 years old.

In three years,

I'll drive you out of your bird!

- It's after 9:
00, do your homework.

- Five more minutes!

Talk more. We never had a good talkin'

like this at dinner.

Then I played Midsummer Night's Dream

on public television in Chicago.

I played the part Mickey Rooney did

in the movie.

- Puck!

- Right!

A lady producer from New York called me...

...and asked me to come to New York

and play Richard III off-Broadway.

And not off-Broadway,

it's off off off-Broadway.

Are we invited to the opening?

Do you really want to come?

The two of you. It's Tuesday night.

Tuesday's a school night.

We went to Tony's opening on a school night.

I said "no."

Sh*t! Shoot!

I'm sorry.

I think I'm in trouble. Good night.

Would you be interested in my bedroom?

Talkin' to me?

You can have the big bedroom

for an extra $50 a month.

Payable in cash right now.

We'll move into yours in the morning.

You mean a rent increase for getting what

I should have gotten in the first place?

No, thank you.

Would you be interested in lending me $50?

I'll either pay you 7.5 percent interest

or do your laundry. Take your pick.

They really cleaned you out?

Everyone from here to Italy.

I have $28 in change. I'll split it with you.

And starting opening night

I get $240 a week, so I'll make a deal.

I'll pay all the living expenses

until you get yourself a job...

...and I'll even do my own laundry.

I see.

And what do you get?

All you gotta do is be nice to me.

You go to hell!

Will you listen very carefully to me?

This may be the last time I talk to you.

Not everyone is after your magnificent body.

In the first place, it's not so magnificent.

It's fair, but it ain't keepin' me up nights.

I don't even think you're very pretty.

Maybe if you smiled...

...but don't go against your religion!

And you aren't the only person in this city

to get dumped on!

I myself am a recent dumpee!

I am a dedicated actor, Paula.

I am dedicated to my art and my craft.

I value what I do.

Because of a mentally arthritic director,

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