The Goodbye Girl Page #6

I'm about to play...

...the second greatest role in the history

of the English-speaking theatre...

...like a double order

of fresh California fruit salad!

When I say "nice," I mean nice!

You know, decent and fair.

I deserve it, 'cause I'm a nice,

decent and fair person.

I don't want to jump on your bones!

I don't even want to see you in the morning.

I'll tell you what I do like about you.

Lucy! Lucy's your best part!

Lucy is worth puttin' up with you for.

So, here is $14 for the care and feeding

of that terrific kid.

You get zip-a-dee-do-dah!

You want any money, borrow it

from your 10-year-old daughter!

I'm now going inside my room to meditate

away my hostility towards you.

Personally, I don't think it can be done!

"And still, as you are weary of the weight,

"Rest you, whiles I lament

King Henry's corse.

"Stay, you that bear the corse,

and set it down.

"What black magician conjures up this fiend,

"To stop devoted charitable deeds?

"My lord, stand back,

and let the coffin pass.

"Unmanner'd dog! Stand thou when I command:

"Advance the halberd

higher than my breast..."

Good! Good!

"I would they were, that I might die at once;

"For now they kill me with a living death.

"Those eyes of thine from mine

have drawn the salt tears,

"Shames their aspect

with store of childish drops:

"These eyes, which never shed

remorseful tear,

"No, when my father York and Edward wept...

"To hear the piteous moan

that Rutland made..." What is it?

- Am I disturbing you?

- Yes!

- I'm sorry.

- Then don't disturb me!

- You don't have to snap at me.

- I wasn't snapping! I was sarcastic!

Snapping is, "Bug off, I'm busy!"

Get the difference?

- What's wrong?

- What's wrong? Nothing's wrong.

What makes you think something's wrong?

You open Richard III in front of

New York critics, with a chartreuse hump.

You play Richard with a crippled, paralytic

hand and pink polish on your nails!

I'm trying to figure out how to save

my goddamn career, that's what's wrong!

What do you want? No, don't tell me.

I know. I dipped

into your peanut butter, right?

How much do I owe you for a finger-full

of chunky Skippy spread?

I just came back to pay you your $14.

I got a job.

And also to ask you if you happen to have

some bicarbonate. Lucy's sick.

What's wrong?

She had two double-chocolate sundaes

for dinner.

It's my fault, I ordered them.

You're incredible!

I'm surprised they don't sell

insurance policies to children!

- Is that bicarbonate?

- Don't start with me!

How's it feelin', Luc?

- Did you see The Exorcist?

- Yeah.

Then you'd better get out of the room.

You're going to be okay.

Turn over on your back.

Relax.

Come on, don't you trust me?

I trusted my mother today

and look how I feel.

I want you to take slow, deep breaths.

Go on.

Now.

That's it.

Watch.

You think you can do this?

I might be able to manage it.

Eyes closed, Luc.

Keep breathing deeply.

Deep breath. That's it.

How's the play going?

One sick person at a time.

Close your eyes.

- Feeling any better?

- A little.

Isn't this more soothing than medicine?

It tastes better, too.

Can we go to the opening?

You still owe me a present.

Today was the pits.

Sure. Anything you say.

Terrific. Now you have to get me a dress.

Thank you.

I'm really sorry about yesterday.

It was very generous of you.

I'm not used to the kindness of strangers.

I know, don't say it.

Blanche DuBois in Streetcar.

Sometimes I feel just like her.

You start to trust a man and they take

you away at the end of the movie.

Anyway...

I'm sorry for...

Well, I'm just sorry.

If you're listening, this is my attempt

at being nice, decent and fair.

How am I doing?

Mr. Garfield?

Wake up.

You can't sleep with my daughter.

Upstairs to the right. Thank you.

I hope this will be funny.

Is it a musical comedy?

- It's Shakespeare.

- Boring!

Look at the stubs and find our seats.

Over here.

Wait.

It's so exciting! Wait until you see it.

It is so contemporary and thrilling.

"Now is the winter of our discontent

"Made glorious summer by this sun of York;

"And all the clouds

that lour'd upon our house

"In the deep bosom of the ocean buried.

"Now are our brows bound

with victorious wreaths;

"Our bruised arms hung up for monuments;

"Our stern alarums changed

to merry meetings,"

Sounds like that guy in the beauty parlor.

"Be patient, they are friends...

"...Ratcliff...

"...and Lovel.

"Here is the head of that ignoble traitor,

"The dangerous and unsuspected Hastings.

"I took him for the plainest

harmless creature

"That ever breathed

upon this earth a Christian;

"Made him my book...

"...wherein my soul recorded

The history of all her secret thoughts:"

Excuse me, please?

- Is it over?

- It is for me.

"So smooth he daub'd his vice with show..."

"A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!

"Withdraw, my lord; I'll help you to a horse.

"Slave!"

Bravo!

But did you really love it?

I mean, really, really love it?

It was very interesting.

Oh, God! Everybody, she loved it!

My mother loved it!

Right through all those people.

Thank you.

Thank you. We're all so excited.

I have a feeling he'd rather be alone, Luc.

He'll know we thought it was lousy

if we don't say hello.

All right, but try and be tactful.

What's tactful?

Lie!

Hello!

Mr. Garfield? It's Lucy and me!

We just came back to tell you

how much we enjoyed it.

I had the best time.

At first I thought it would be boring,

but then it picked up near the end.

Okay, Luc. We won't keep you.

We just wanted to thank you

for the tickets and a lovely evening.

People were talking about you on the way out.

They wanted to remember your name

so they'd never forget it.

Good night.

I thought you were wonderful.

Peter?

You won't believe it.

I think I've got it sold.

Are you okay?

God, are you all right?

Thou hast broken thy vase.

Thou owest thee...

...$12.98, plus taxes.

Are you okay?

Not according to the Times!

Have you read the Times?

Can I get you a cup of coffee?

What are you doing?

The Times said:

"Elliot Garfield researched Richard III...

"...and discovered him

to be England's first...

"...badly-dressed interior decorator."

Tasty writing!

I never listen to critics.

Thank God.

Do you want to go on for me tomorrow night?

Daily News said...

Here, read it.

"It never occurred to us

that William Shakespeare wrote...

"...The Wizard of Oz.

"However, Elliot Garfield...

"...made a splendid

Wicked Witch of the North."

- Tacky!

- Oh, God.

Tacky! If you're gonna kill me...

- ...kill me with panache.

- I am really sorry.

What the hell! It's only a...

It's only a little New York debut, you know?

Ames, Iowa is where it really counts.

You don't make it in Ames,

then you got career trouble.

Oh, my God!

Channel 5 was honest.

Direct and honest.

"Richard III stunk!

"Elliot Garfield was the stinky..."

Am I in bed?

'Cause if I'm in bed...

...the springs are shot.

I thought you didn't put unhealthy things

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