The Grand Page #4

---

We were battling

against each other.

And he is a bastard,

but he's a glorious bastard.

The German?

I love The German.

He lights up a room.

The German?

Well, he's a good egg.

Me and him and Deuce

ran together

back in the early days.

[The German]

Lucky Faro,

he was a fiend,

a monster.

And yet, against my

better judgment,

I loved him.

We even tried to murder

each other at some point.

[Deuce]

I had a lot of fun

in that joint.

The Rabbit's Foot.

It was old Las Vegas.

Not like it is now.

He was a throwback.

And I loved him.

I think when I look

back at him,

I still feel like strangling

the bastard once in a while,

but he's dead

and I think he dwells

in the heaven

of the gamblers.

When old Lucky died, he left

the Rabbit's Foot to Jack.

It was the last

and the worst bet

he ever made.

You know, I love Lucky.

And I love the Rabbit's Foot

and everything he's created,

but I wanted to just--

I wanted to go,

you know,

to the next level.

I wanted to expand.

My greatest achievement

of all time.

I built this casino

based on the concept

of the Chicago fires, 1895.

And it was on fire,

constantly on fire.

And then we'd have fire trucks

come and put it out.

Of course,

it burned down.

Whoop.

This, I think,

was a great idea, too.

Inside this

particular casino,

you actually have

a nuclear reactor

that took care of

all the energetic needs

of the casinos, and...

and that didn't get past

the Planning Commission.

I like this one, too.

It's called

Hector's Frozen Cart.

Now, I'm going to be

candid with you

and let you know

that I don't know

what I was thinking

when I came up with this

particular design,

but I was under the influence

of cocaine and heroine

and marijuana and LSD

and mushrooms

and some ecstasy,

and you know how

sometimes you get

that cocktail just right,

and then there's just-- boom!

Well, I sold off

the TV rights to The Grand

because I'm positive

that three years from now,

nobody is going to be

that interested in poker

or watching it

on television,

but they will be

watching bingo.

You mark my words.

Bingo is the future.

[Mike]

Welcome to beautiful

downtown Las Vegas.

Tonight, the North American

Indoor Poker League

takes you to the dazzling

Golden Nugget,

the host of The Grand,

the oldest

and most prestigious

poker competition

on the planet.

Brought to you by

these promotional partners.

I'm Phil Gordon, and joining me

in the booth is Mike Werbe.

And I'm Mike Werbe.

And welcome to day 1

of The Grand.

We have all the top players

in the worldin this

tournament today.

[Mike]

All the stars are here.

All the stars

in a little galaxy

I like to call poker.

Lady Schwartzman.

All right.

One of the biggest

stories this year

is the dominant presence

of Internet players.

Many of our entrants

won their way in online.

Harold Melvin, my son.

That's right, Phil.

You know,

Internet poker

has its own breed

of celebrities.

For example,

there's a player

on PartyPoker

named "Pocket Aces,"

and people are speculating

maybe he's one of the pros.

Yeah, I've heard about

the guy on PartyPoker.

The Pocket Aces guy, yeah.

Phil Laak.

Phil Laak,

the Hillside Strangler.

No, no.

The Unabomber.

Yeah, that's the nickname.

Just give me the sheet.

Rumor has it

there's a player

out in the circuit

known as Pocket Aces.

Are you Pocket Aces?

[laughs]

Let me tell you

how the Internet

screwed up poker, okay?

When a guy sucks out

on the river,

on the Internet,

you cannot take the guy

out in the parking lot,

and you cannot break

his f***ing knees.

This is it.

You know what?

I don't want

to wear a tie.

Oh, stop, stop. Stop.

It looks good.

It looks good.

Here, hold this.

Let me just get it--

All right, come on.

Let's check it out.

Okay.

Oh, I need my basket.

Oh, just in time.

Yeah.

Andy Andrews.

Of course.

Andy, you are

at Table 1.

[gasps]

What is my lucky number?

Well, it's so cold

outside and snowy,

and I think the temperature

in Las Vegas right now is--

What was it,

honey cake?

I think it's 91.

Oh, my gosh!

[horse neighing]

I teach math

at Saint Thaddeus',

and it's, uh...

it's a nice job.

And I think that you're--

I think what you do...

I don't want to

talk about that.

No. Then I'll--

Please let me talk about it.

Please let me talk about it.

Sharon has--

and I don't know.

What do you do?

Do you wake up one day and say,

"I would like to sew ribbons"?

Um, okay, so this

is my ribbon room.

I have my own business

called The Ribbon Store,

and this is it.

These ribbons, actually,

you can use for knitting, too.

I've knit some really--

some really nice sweater vests

out of some of these.

So I'm online, and I'm--

I wasn't home.

And I'm hunting and pecking

for fireplace pokers, and I--

Antique fireplace pokers.

Yeah, and I land on this thing

called PartyPoker.net.

And I don't know where I am.

And I'm trying to get out,

and I'm typing in my name.

And all of a sudden-- Here.

[ding]

And pretty soon,

I'm playing!

And I won.

I won a seat.

I won the tournament,

and I won a seat at The Grand.

But if we win,

then...

Then...

But if we--

[laughs]

Trying to get him

to think more positive--

Can you imagine?

$10 million,

and we'll be warm.

Because that's what--

Because you promised.

That's what Sharon wants.

You promised that we would

move somewhere warm.

Well, I was thinking of maybe

making one of these vests

for Andy out of...

[sighs]

ribbons.

You know, sometimes

I walk in here and I...

[laughs]

I look at all this stuff,

and there's so much

stuff in here, and it--

it really stresses me out.

I got this blowtorch

as a wedding gift

to make crme brles with,

and I just think, like...

I could totally

set this place on fire.

Whoa.

Okay.

Shuffle up and deal.

[cheering]

[Lainie]

Well, I guess one

of the biggest things

that happened today

is when Jack Faro walked in.

He's one of the few players

that I actually like.

I mean, especially

back in the day, we--

Doesn't matter.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Jack Faro?

Yeah, he walked in.

Now, I'd like

to talk to somebody

about the legality

of that,

because I don't know

if that's kosher.

I mean, that may fly in,

like, Communist China

or Feudal Russia,

but this is America.

Jack Faro, very good.

He throws tournament,

he throws The Grand.

Very good, very good.

That I respect.

Then he comes in to play

in his own tournament.

This is like

if I give you a goat,

and I killed

and I eat the goat,

I have given you sh*t.

I don't-- I got--

I mean, what would--

Honestly,

what would you do?

Because it's a good hand,

but I've heard

sometimes you don't call.

What are you doing?

You can't show me your hand.

[Man]

You show one, show all.

You gotta show everybody

your hand now, please.

I knew you only had one pair.

Your bet on the river

was as transparent

as a cloaked

Romulan Bird of Prey.

[muttering in German]

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes