The Grand Page #5

---

This tournament

is different.

There's money

only for the winner.

The winner takes all,

and that appeals to me.

I just want to see

all the others crushed

and disappear and crumble.

I want to win.

It's apparent that you have

no concept of pot odds.

There are a number of books

available in the gift shop

that explain it

quite thoroughly.

Also, you have corn

in your teeth.

I can squish you.

You know what I mean?

Goddamn, this is fun, man.

I believe in luck.

I know that because I've had

so much bad luck in my life

is probably why

I'm so damn lucky at cards.

Luck is a crutch.

Good move.

Where'd you learn that,

playing on your television set?

I think I'm lucky,

but I'm very skillful.

If people played correctly,

I would win

every single hand ever.

Nut straight.

Motherf--

People misplay.

And then they end up

with what I like to

call good fortune.

So it's not about luck.

I'm gonna go all in.

Oh, and since you like

my hat so much,

I'll just put that

in there, too.

Well, with respect,

f*** you.

Take it, take it,

take it.

Thank you.

I wouldn't have wanted

to lose that hat.

Where are you from, exactly?

Your country.

Why do you need to know?

I mean, is everybody

miserable like you?

Why are you miserable?

Let me ask you a question.

Jewish? Jewish?

No, I'm not Jewish.

I mean, I have

a lot of guilt and--

Yet another player thrown off

my Achmed's unknown ethnicity.

He's from the Middle East,

but is he Arab, is he Israeli?

Well, no one knows, Mike,

and that's the point.

I think he's a Jew.

Have you seen that

episode of Star Trek

where the guy's painted

half black, half white?

Don't think I've

caught that one.

Yeah, me either,

but, um...

but I heard it's good.

I'm sure it is.

[Phil]

Deuce Fairbanks,

one of the legends

of the game.

I'll tell you, Mike,

he is not at all intimidated

by some of these

younger players.

[Mike]

And he's not intimidated.

I got two pair with

a San Francisco busboy,

a queen with a trey.

San Francisco?

Busboy? Queen?

What are you,

a f***in' idiot?

You should've hit

the slot machines,

jack-off.

God, you're a bigger

dick than I am.

I'm Mike "The Bike,"

Mike "The Bike" Heslov.

My name's Murph Murph.

Tim "Tiny Wonder."

We're the Bust-You Crew.

Yeah, you know, we've played

together for so long

that we got a lot

of shorthand.

You know, it's like

when you got a--

sitting pretty

on a Jim J. Bullock

and somebody Adrian Zmeds

you on the river.

Brutal beat.

Yeah.

[The Bike]

Yeah, we're kinda known

for making a lot

of crazy bets.

If you're gonna be

a really good player,

you gotta basically

be a gambler.

I drank a quart

of semen once.

Mm. It was bull semen,

though, right?

No, it was human.

It wasn't a bet, either.

Yeah, that was--

that wasn't a bet.

Yeah, I just did that.

Right.

All in.

I'll call.

Sh*t.

Let me give you

a bit of advice, Mikey.

If you don't see a sucker

sitting around this table,

you're it.

What do they call

that crew?

The Bust-You Crew,

is that it?

Bunch of sissies.

I wish they would have pulled

that sh*t in the old days.

We'd have dug a little hole

for them out in the desert,

teach them a trick or two.

Let me see?

Oh, yeah, I'll take it.

My name is Seth Schwartzman.

I'm semi-retired.

And both my kids are top

professional poker players.

Ugh. Uh, wai--

what's going on with--

What happened?

I heard a slogan

when I was young,

and I forgot who said it,

but the slogan was

"Competition breeds winners."

And I always thought

that that was correct,

that that was a good slogan.

One time, he told us

that he was going

to Disney World,

but he'd only bring

one of the kids with him.

I could take one of my kids

to Disney World,

and I had what I called

the World Series of Checkers.

They were going to play

seven checker games.

The winner was going

to go to Disney World.

[Lainie]

And, um...it didn't

go well for Larry.

[Seth]

I didn't leave Larry

alone for three days.

He had-- the dog was there

the whole time.

He had birds in the house.

He had the turtle.

The kid you see today,

the determined kid,

the kid that's going

to win at any cost,

that's the kid

that I saw when I came

back from Disney World.

Whether it was

Chutes and Ladders

or Freeze Tag or--

Monopoly, we played Clue--

[Larry]

Wiffle Ball

or KerPlunk! or--

[Seth]

Parcheesi,

we played checkers,

and we played chess.

[Lainie]

I'd give him Yahtzee.

Otherwise,

I had to hear him

cry himself to sleep

every night.

[Larry]

I let her beat me

a lot of the time.

I mean, she's my sister.

There was a time,

you know,

when we thought...

she had cancer, you know?

And it turned out

just to be a bad haircut.

I rocked Candyland.

He never once beat me

at Candyland.

Nobody beats me

at Candyland.

Ask my kids.

I think if you

tell one kid

that you don't

love him as much,

believe me, that kid

is gonna try harder.

[gun shot]

[poker chips rattling]

[Mike]

We're seeing some

great action, Phil.

[Phil]

That's right, Mike,

but not a lot of surprises.

Almost all of the top players

are still in it.

I need to ask you

to remove the glasses.

No, no, no. No.

They're prescription.

You can keep those.

Jack?

Shirley.

Oh, my God, I haven't

seen you since the divorce.

Andy Andrews

in a pot against

two of the top pros

in the game,

Doyle Brunson

and Phil Hellmuth.

I'm all in.

And Doyle's moving all in.

All in. 60,000.

I'm going all in.

Wow.

Andy in a very

interesting spot here.

I can't believe I'm in a hand

with Tex Brunson.

The name's Doyle, Andy.

Not Tex, Doyle.

What?

Yeah.

Seriously, Doyle?

Yes, serious.

Well, that's a tell.

That's probably a tell.

No, it's a tell

when you don't know

who Doyle Brunson is.

Okay. I'm gonna go...

All right, okay.

I'll go all in.

I'm gonna--

I'll bet everything.

Somewhat loose call

all in here

with a straight flush draw.

The amateur taking

a chance to triple up.

Straight flush draw.

The turn card.

No help for Andy.

Here comes the river.

Oh, it's a miracle card

for Andy!

He catches a flush.

Doyle Brunson

and Phil Hellmuth

are eliminated

on the same hand.

[Dealer]

You made a flush.

You won, Andy.

It doesn't look like Andy

knows that he won.

Good job.

I'm sorry.

Good job.

Oh, gosh.

That's so bad manners

that I laughed.

Don't be sorry.

No, it's--

Good hand!

That was absolutely

astonishing, Phil.

It was, especially

considering the fact

that Andy Andrews

has never played

in a live poker

tournament in his life.

But you know,

on the other hand,

it's not that surprising.

Oh, and how is it

not surprising?

Well, here's a guy,

he's done the legwork,

he's done the homework,

he's using the Werbe Method,

he's reading my book

Winning is Winning.

How do you know

he read your book?

Well, I've got

an extremely strong hunch

that he's taken

a look at Chapter 3,

"Creating

a Fictional Persona."

Hey, Marshall, um...

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes