The Grand Page #6

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Guys, can we get a cut?

[bell ringing]

I just need a minute.

[beeping]

[sighs]

What?

Mike, you can't go

pimping your product

right in the middle

of our broadcast.

It's so inappropriate.

Phil, I was just

stating a fact.

And what fact is that?

It's a fact that--

that he might have

read my book.

[scoffs]

I'm a top-ranked

poker player.

I've broken the top 500

on a number of occasions.

But not only that,

I am an award-winning guru.

Every time you play

a hand of poker,

you want to run through

a mental checklist.

"Head position,

hand position,

neck position,

breathing, posture."

More than 25 items.

It's a lot.

And that's why I've come up

with a handy mnemonic device.

Just one word:

"Hphpnpbpecmspamdcpaftsttl."

It's easy.

I've got a couple books out,

the first being--

well, my tour de force--

Winning is Winning.

I got a follow-up book

that's hot off the presses,

Winning is Really Winning.

There's also a number

of products.

They're available

at TheWerbeMethod.com

And you can take that

to the bank.

Playing high-stakes poker,

the last thing you want to do

is worry about what to wear.

Face it,

putting together

an attractive outfit

takes time.

I call it the Werbe Onesie.

At first glance,

it's a casual ensemble.

But on closer inspection,

it's a single item

of clothing.

One of the more

popular chapters

is something called

"Creating a Fictional Persona."

Basically,

it means pretending

you're someone

that you're not.

You know, like,

uh, a caveman.

Anything to throw off

your opponent.

At this point,

I'd say upwards of 10%

of the players out there

are creating

a fictional persona.

I saw a-- a Native American

gentleman, and...

you know, it was seamless.

[gun shots]

[poker chips rattling]

Hello, Andy Andrews.

Oh, how--

Oh! You know--

How do you do?

You know my name.

I don't know yours.

I'm Andy Andrews.

I'm Harold Melvin.

I was impressed by your play

against Hellmuth and Brunson.

Really? How come?

When you had

the straight flush draw,

you were over 46.2%

even though they both

flopped sets.

From an expected

value perspective

against two opponents,

it was a skillful play.

No, I'm just--

I'm lucky.

You know what I love?

I love it when you get

a heart flush because--

and I hate clubs.

Don't you hate clubs?

They're, like, dirty.

Hi. Who are you

talking to?

How do you do?

I'm Andy Andrews.

I'm number 1 right now.

How do you do?

I'm Harold's mother Ruth.

Oh! It's a pleasure

to meet you.

It's a pleasure

to meet you.

Thank you very much.

Another pro.

Ruth, I am having

an adult conversation.

You two have

so much in common.

I'm having an adult

conversation.

He's just brilliant.

He is.

You could learn

so much from him.

Really? Like what?

Well, he has a lot

of wonderful tricks--

one in particular.

His first two cards,

when they match

in color, you know?

And it's one number

after another--

Sure.

Well, he plays them

and wins!

Cease, Ruth.

Well, you do!

Maintain a perimeter, Ruth.

Well, you two

should have lunch.

I think that you

look good together.

Exit, Ruth.

I'll see you later.

I apologize

for her presence.

Oh, no.

She's lovely.

I'd-- I'd love to have--

I actually can't have lunch.

I can have dinner sometime.

It might be pleasant

to discuss strategy

in a quiet social setting.

We could use our vouchers

at the same restaurant

at the same time

and sit at the same table.

I like Chinese.

People?

He has good moments

where he tries

to be kind

and considerate.

He does.

And with his syndrome,

that's difficult

to think of other people,

you know?

Ruth is always trying to get me

to make more friends,

and I guess I can see

the logic in that

because in the same way

that a herd of antelope

protect each other,

in a certain way

there's safety in numbers.

[Ruth]

Harold's not

like other people.

And when he was

a little boy,

I took him to doctor

after doctor after doctor,

and they all said

the same thing...

that there's something

wrong with him.

Ooh.

Oh.

That's your name,

fifth down.

I know, there's a lot

of names on the board.

It can get confusing.

Renee. Right?

Yeah.

From a couple days ago?

Yeah.

When I picked you up?

We spent a good 45 minutes

in the car together.

Oh, that was lovely.

How are you?

I'm great.

So Lavisch is prepared

to offer you

a little bit

of a deal, so--

Did you do something

to your hair?

No.

What did you do

to your hair?

Nothing.

It's the same.

It's exactly the same,

all right?

He's just-- He's willing

to offer you a little cash

in exchange for the hotel.

Please don't touch me.

Oh. Is that a natural curl?

It's enhanced with

a curling iron slightly,

but I do have

a natural wave.

Are you interested?

It's a one-time offer.

Well--

So--

If I get to keep the hotel,

then we got a deal.

Jack, why would

he give you the hotel

and give you

a cash settlement?

Because he's a nice guy.

Uh, he's not a nice guy,

and I don't recommend

you screwing with him.

Okay. Well, I am

a nice guy.

Tell him to go

f*** himself.

Please.

And then, after that,

let's you and I

go get us something

to, um, drink.

Not gonna happen.

Ever.

Ever.

[Seth]

I'm gonna stop you

from eating too much salad.

We gotta get

the Strip Steak

because they said

the Strip Steak,

that's why everybody

comes here.

I think maybe I'll stick

to seafood tonight.

Why would you have fish

in a steak restaurant?

You can get

whatever you want.

Would you go to

a seafood restaurant

and have a steak?

Yeah, maybe,

if I wanted a steak.

You would?

Yeah, I would.

All right, all right.

Well, you would,

but I wouldn't.

[whispering]

Excuse me, Mr. Schwartzman?

I, um-- I'm sorry

to interrupt you,

but would you mind removing

your hat while dining--

I can't.

I'm contractually obligated

to wear the hat, so I can't.

You gotta wear your hat

in a restaurant?

That's part of your contract?

Yes, I have to wear my hat

in a restaurant.

I'm sorry.

Okay. All right, fine.

Here, how's this? All right?

That certainly helps

everybody enjoy their meal

if they can see my head.

Or at least be assured

that part of my head here--

[Seth]

Listen, miss,

can we order?

We've been waiting here

for a long time.

Sure.

All right?

First of all,

take the wine.

Nobody's gonna have wine.

We're gonna have four people,

family style--

Why don't we order--

Let me order family style.

Fred, let me order family style.

I found out what's good here.

We're gonna start out with

the portabello mushrooms

for four people.

We'll get potatoes--

Then we're gonna have--

Wait a second, Fred.

I just want some

scalloped potatoes--

Yeah. We're gonna

have the salad,

the chopped salad

for four people.

We'll have two fillets,

two strips,

everything medium rare--

Yeah, I-- I'll have

the chicken.

You want chicken?

So one less steak.

You don't want

to try the steak?

I'm going to

eat chicken, Dad.

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