The Grass Is Greener Page #6

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- I expect I did.

You've seen much of her?

No. Considering she's been staying

with me. Not very much. No.

Oh, I had the other half of a

grapefruit with her yesterday morning.

I expect you to send her love

but she didn't know I was coming.

Do you know it only took me an hour

and twenty minutes, door to door?

On your broomstick?

Here.

Oh. Come on. Give me those things.

Well, good luck.

Well you say that as if you

think I'm going to need it.

Hmm, don't we all?

Can't do a blasted

thing without good luck.

You need it from the moment

you get out in the morning,

til the moment you get back in at night.

Particularly when you get

back in again at night.

You are a wanton.

What else?

Everything's luck.

Look at the lousy luck I had the day I

introduced you to Hilary at the races.

Won the daily double and lost you.

And if you'd married

me instead of Hilary,

I wouldn't have married that

horrid, little man I did marry.

Or spend all that money divorcing him.

Wasn't much of a daily double, either.

Why did you come down here?

Well, two reasons.

What are they?

Oh, firstly I'm very fond of Hilary.

Secondly?

I'm very fond of you.

And I thought you might

need cheering up, my sweet.

Now come on, Hattie. Be honest.

- What was the real reason?

- I do hate it when people say be honest.

It puts one at such a disadvantage.

And you must know as well as I do...

that saying it to me is

a sheer waste of breath.

It was curiousity, wasn't it?

You wanted to see how I reacted to my

wife falling in love with another man.

He's not just another man,

darling. He's a millionaire!

Well, I'll tell you how I've

reacted. I'm very annoyed.

I'm very annoyed,

very miserable,

very at a lose, and

very lonely.

Well, why didn't you try and

stop her from going to London?

Because I'm not a fool.

Well, I must confess. I never

thought you were before but...

Wouldn't it have been safer

if she hadn't seen him again?

From my point of view, it was

essential that she did see him again.

If she hadn't, I would have been the

obstacle preventing her from seeing him.

And that would have

damaged our relationship.

Even at the risk of encouraging theirs,

that's the last thing I want to do.

Have you met Mr. Delacro?

Oh now, that man's going to crop up

into conversation quite a lot, you know.

Don't you think we ought

to call him Charles?

Is that usual?

Oh, nowadays surely it must be.

Tell me, have you met him?

Darling, I haven't met an

unmarried millionaire for years.

I'd be so over excited if

I did. I'd probably curtsy.

Did Hilary talk to you much about him?

Well, the little I've

seen of her. All the time.

Except when she was talking about you.

What did she say?

She loved you.

But was in love with him.

Madly.

Yes, there's a difference, isn't there?

I always knew no good would come of

my opening this house to the public.

Has she been with him all the time?

I imagine so.

Astonishing, isn't it?

Here's a reasonable, decent sort of man

who'd no more think of stealing my cuff

links than he would of taking my umbrella.

Yet he can pay half a crown at the door,

walk into my house, and without

disturbing his conscience in anyway,

come up with the

endeavor to steal my wife.

By the same token, Hilary

wouldn't cheat at cards.

There's no honor where there's sex.

You are happy to say.

Look up.

If you give me some gin,

I'll give you some advice.

I don't believe in

something for nothing.

Alright, you want all that

silly bonfire business again?

- Yes, please.

- Oh, I knew you would. What a nuisance you are.

Alright, go on, go on,

give me some advice.

Like most men who've

had success with women,

You flatter yourself

you understand them.

Don't be a mug, my sweet.

You haven't a clue.

Hilary's paramount emotion at the...

What a lovely word, paramount. I

don't think I've ever used it before.

- Then don't do it again.

- Her paramount emotion at the moment,

is neither her passion for

Charles nor her love for you.

It's a feeling of complete bewilderment

that her values, her standards, her

whole existence could be

cockeyed in half an hour.

When she gets home, remember

that and forget everything else.

Oh, naturally. Clap

hands and jump for joy.

If you want her back,

that's the way to play it.

That bird is a little

too emphatic, isn't he?

What did Shakespeare? A cuckoo

then on every tree mocks married men.

Yes, yes, yes. Here.

Must we go through that again.

Wait a minute.

Here, give me a shoe.

Oh, it's the only way.

Have you been faithful

to Hilary all these years?

Yes, I have.

Well, that's beside the point.

It's not beside the

point, it is the point.

A very sharp one, too.

What's sauce for the goose. Remember?

- Oh, rubbish the whole fundamental...

- Don't sit on my hat, darling.

I know, I know.

The fundamental difference

between men and women,

is that what's sauce for the

goose is not sauce for the gander.

That's why women wear

wedding rings and men don't.

First proud, now arrogant.

And exceedingly immoral.

Oh, come, come.

If Hilary's prepared to give up Charles,

I think you should be bloody grateful.

And she's seems to me pretty

determined on coming back here,

and continuing to be the good,

little wife and perfect mother.

With the aching heart.

Yes, but he's giving her a mink coat

which should stop the ache a little bit.

He's done what?

He's given her a mink coat.

Well, blast him. I

hope he rots in Hell.

Oh, it's a wild mink.

An absolute beauty.

And how's the good, little

mother going to explain that away?

Poor sweet. She was

rather worried about that.

But I expect she'll think of something.

I wanted to give her a mink

coat ever since we were married.

And by next Christmas, I

could've just about done it.

I ought to shoot him.

Oh, I do think we should try

and avoid bloodshed, darling.

It's a little old-fashioned.

Well, it's time it

was brought up to date.

How dare she come back

here flaunting a mink coat

and pretending she's paid for it with

money she won betting on the horses.

Oh, I'm sure she'll think of

something better than that.

And you couldn't expect her not

to take it. Could you, darling?

Not wild mink, now, could you?

I mean apart from it being

insured for three thousand pounds.

Three thousand pounds?

Yes dear, three thousand pounds.

I'm sure it's got a

sentimental value as well.

I take it you're staying the weekend.

Did you bring a bag?

When you're addressing me,

I prefer the word suitcase.

Now.

What are you going to do with

me until Hilary arrives tomorrow?

Play Scrabble?

Then you can spell, can you?

Well, if that's what you like.

No, it's not.

I'd like a good dinner with a

bottle of something very expensive,

and preferably fizzy.

Then I'll take you over the the Horse

& Groom. It's not far and it's not bad.

How delicious.

I shall enjoy having a gorgeous

dinner with you again, darling.

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