The Guilt Trip Page #5

- Please stop talking.

You know what? I deserve this.

This is what you get

for driving cross-country

in a skateboard.

Don't dwell on the past.

It's just crazy. It's totally crazy.

- It could be worse.

- Are you kidding me?

Look, we're seeing! We're alive!

- Okay, yeah, we're alive.

- Just thank God for that.

- Okay?

- Okay. I'm gonna get out...

Where's your coat?

I don't need a coat!

I'll be back in two seconds, okay?

- You want to take my scarf?

- No. I'm fine!

You're so macho!

What are you proving here?

Be careful you don't slip!

Andy, your feet are going to get soaked!

Where are your galoshes?

Oh, come on.

You're used to California,

that's what it is.

You don't know from galoshes.

I don't know.

I don't know. It...

They don't look... They don't look flat.

Well, something must be

wrong with it, you know?

I don't know what's wrong.

Why don't we call Triple A?

Look, there's a restaurant there.

Let's go and wait inside.

Oh... Does that say "tapas"?

I love tapas!

That's not what it says, Ma!

This place smells like strawberry gum.

Please don't sit near me.

When I was younger,

your father tried to make me go

to one of these places with him.

He thought it would be "sexy."

Yeah. What can I say?

It's not that, is it?

- What? Excuse me? What?

- Your problems with women.

Do you think any of it is sexual?

I actually almost threw up

all over the table

-when you asked me that.

- Stop saying that.

I almost projectile vomited

-all over the bar.

- Oh, please.

You know, come to think of it,

when you were a baby,

about two months old,

your penis started turning purple.

I swear.

- Please stop.

-If I didn't inspect

that penis carefully

every day, till you were five.

I'm begging you

to stop talking right now.

You'd tell me if your penis

started turning purple again, right?

My penis could literally grow an eyeball

and I wouldn't tell you about it.

I just worry about you.

- The color of my penis...

- It's not purple.

It's pink. Hi!

- Thank you.

- Thank you, sweetheart.

The roads are pretty awful.

Could take the tow truck quite a while.

Our girl Moonlight's

pretty good with cars.

You want me to ask her to take a look?

Who's Moonlight?

Oh, my gosh, this is

the cutest little thing.

That's very nice of you, Moonlight.

I just wish you were wearing

something warmer.

Oh, that's sweet of you, but I'm fine.

- Put your hood up, honey.

- No. I don't want to.

Oh. Here it is.

You got ice frozen up around the tire.

It's blocking the wheel and making it

feel like you got a flat.

- My God!

- You sure about that?

You sure it's not flat?

I'm positive.

Wow! She really is a mechanic!

She really knows what she's doing.

My God, you weren't kidding.

Thank you very much.

Those heels come in handy.

I'm very impressed.

May I interest you in a private dance?

Oh! I'd love... Thank you,

but maybe another time

when my mom's not here.

Oh!

- Great. Thank you.

- Okay.

God bless, y'all!

- Bye bye! Cover up!

- Oh, thank you, Miss Joyce.

They're saying you shouldn't

get on the highway right now.

Are you staying local?

Yeah, we'll just get

a hotel or something, I guess.

Well, actually,

we don't have to because...

It's gonna be tough finding

a room anywhere in this.

I bet.

You got anywhere you can crash?

- Yeah!

- No. We do not.

- We do know somebody.

- We don't.

- Don't you think we...

- No, we don't.

We could call... You know.

Jessica, thanks

for picking us up, honey.

Your mother fills me in occasionally.

How have you been, honey?

Well, pregnant, Mrs. B.

Yeah, I'm due again in April.

I feel like a house.

Oh, no. Well, you look fantastic!

Yeah. You look very pretty, still.

Oh, well, thank you. I...

I appreciate the lie.

No, not a lie at all.

Honestly, I don't know

how I keep getting pregnant.

I got a theory.

It's called two margaritas

and Love Actually.

Every time, right?

Very nice house!

Yeah. Very lovely color. Good paint job.

- New paint job, new fixtures.

-It's very beautifully done.

It's quite a setup you have here.

Well, thanks.

Yeah, we like it.

I think it took a while

for my Jersey girl here

to get adjusted, but I think she digs it.

Yeah, I do.

So, wait... So, Andy, you and Jessica

were high school sweethearts?

Yeah, we dated for a while

in high school. Yeah.

It was great. It was a really fun time.

Oh, wow. Hey, you know,

she talks about you all the time.

- Oh!

- Really? That's funny,

because we've been talking

about Jessica a lot.

I don't know if we

talk about her a lot. Have we?

I mean, a normal amount.

She came up several times

in conversation.

- Very casually.

- You see, Jessica,

Andy is still single,

and we were wondering whether

your break-up had anything to

do with it. What do you think?

No, yeah, don't be ridiculous.

I mean, we were just kids.

You broke up with me

when we were, what, like, 17?

- Eighteen.

- Eighteen.

Wait a minute.

You broke up with her?

Well, technically, I guess.

God! Remember how crazy you were?

I was young and kind of...

You know, I felt a lot. Big feelings.

Mrs. B, did you know that

Andy proposed to me

right before we went to college?

It was like a serious

get-on-your-knee kind of proposal

right in the middle of the football field.

It was silly. It was a silly thing to do.

I said we were too young,

obviously, and he ended it,

just like that!

Yeah!

Andy, can you imagine if I'd said yes?

No.

You proposed to her. Andy, that's so...

I wish I knew that.

Well, you do now.

I was just trying to help.

You always are.

Maybe it was healthy to see her.

Maybe it'll help you get on with your life.

Or maybe, just once, you could have,

one time, just minded

your own business, Ma.

Maybe that could have happened.

Look, I have Costco today, okay?

I would appreciate it very much

if we could just drive in

silence until we get to Texas.

I would...

I would appreciate that very much.

They're gonna come

get me in a second,

so just wait here until I'm

back and don't talk to anyone.

- Can I just say one thing?

- No. You can't.

Andy, I don't think

they're coming to get you.

Why would they not

be coming down to get me?

Because I'm noticing

how it's done here.

It's like a different thing. You know?

They come to your table or something.

The people with the red,

they see things on the table.

You bring your product or something. I...

Sh*t!

- Go away. Just leave.

- Where am I gonna meet you?

- Andrew?

- Hi! Hi there!

A pleasure to finally meet you, Andrew.

Ryan McFee.

- Yeah. Great.

- Costco.

This is Joyce. Joyce...

...-ton, my... Joyce Joyston.

My business partner.

Yes!

I'm his business partner.

- Then you should have a seat.

- Fantastic! Yeah!

- Of course. Have a seat.

-"Business partner, sit!"

Yes. Why wouldn't you?

So, I would just like

to start by saying how

honored I am that Costco Wholesale

would meet with me.

I know the backing of Costco

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