The Guilt Trip Page #6

could really make a product

into something big.

Well, I'm looking forward

to hearing your pitch.

Thank you.

Now, some history on my product.

- I'm sorry.

- No problem!

- What is that?

- My purse hook.

What does it do?

It just keeps the pocketbook

from touching the dirty floor.

- That is great!

- Yeah, it's really neat.

Where'd you get that, the purse hook?

Amazon, I think.

Go.

No, I am not going. It's rude.

- Go.

- No, it would look bad.

Get out of here!

It's very rude. Extremely rude.

Will you just go?

Stop that.

Sorry. Please, continue.

I created a micro-emulsion

suspension, Ryan,

that harnesses the natural

cleaning and foaming power of

coconut oil,

palm kernel oil...

Oxygen.

...and

soy!

Or as I like to call it,

- Scieoclean!

- Scieoclean!

Sounds good.

Oh, Oh!

Scieoclean. Yes.

It took me a second. Sorry.

It read at first like Skyoclean.

Or Psychoclean.

That's an unusual response.

Don't get hung up on the name, Ryan.

I mean, because Andrew

was thinking of changing it.

- Oh, that's a good idea.

- Is he?

- Joyce is right. It's unclear.

- I agree.

Yeah. I wasn't really considering it.

I don't know what...

- We talked about changing it.

- No, we didn't.

- In the hotel.

- I don't remember that.

You said that

the other night at the hotel.

- I did?

- Don't you remember, honey?

- Don't call me "honey."

- Mr. Brewster.

Maybe if you simply relabeled

the bottle "Science Clean."

That's a good idea.

I don't actually have any

money to relabel any bottles.

Wait a minute. How much would it cost

to relabel the bottles?

Bulk? A fraction of a cent.

Half a cent!

And you're going to sell bulk.

What's the big deal?

Well, the aggregate amount...

So, listen, Andrew,

when you relabel the bottle...

"When" is a little preemptive.

I don't know if I would jump

to the "when" conclusion.

- Listen to what he's saying.

- When you do, I would change

-the whole color scheme.

- I agree.

It should be more, like, magenta.

What's gonna pop? You know?

I would strongly consider

relabeling that bottle.

I know, but I put

a lot of thought into this...

Listen to what the man is saying.

You're going to have

to relabel the bottle.

I'm not changing

the goddamn label, Ryan!

Okay.

I know. I shouldn't

have said anything.

Yup.

There are many other stores

besides Costco.

Yup.

Think of all the other sales

you already made.

Well, the good news is,

I have got enough hair product

to last me for years.

If you're going to drink all that alcohol,

you should really hydrate.

I don't want to say it again, so...

So, I'll just leave the water bottle here.

I only say that because

I read that for every glass

of alcohol that you drink,

you need an extra glass of water...

Ma. Ma!

Can you not see that I don't

want to talk right now?

Are you... Are you blind?

How idiotic can you be?

Can you not tell

that I don't want any water?

Enough with the nagging

and the water! Just shut up!

Just shut up!

I don't know what to say.

Finally.

"Finally", you said?

You little sh*t.

You condescending,

self-absorbed little sh*t.

I can't do anything right

by you, can I, Andy?

Everything I say is wrong,

everything I do is wrong.

Go ahead. Why don't you

keep insulting me?

'Cause you haven't made it quite clear

just how much

you can't stand being with me!

What do you think, I'm stupid?

You think I'm stupid?

No. You think I don't know that

you went to school in California

so that you'd only

have to see me once a year?

Why, Andy? Why?

What did I do wrong?

What did I do?

Did I care for you too much?

Did I love you too much? What did I do?

- Okay, Ma.

-It's not okay!

This is the way you talk to me?

Like I'm some thing that

has to be tolerated?

Well, let me tell you something, kiddo.

You don't have to like me,

or spend time with me.

But as long as I'm your mother,

you will treat me with respect.

Now drink your f***ing water

before you drop dead from dehydration!

I was telling you this story

that was about Macy's and...

- You heard of Macy's?

- Yes, ma'am.

I was sitting in the car, you see,

and I was trying to jam

the key in the ignition,

but it wouldn't turn on.

And you know why it wouldn't turn on?

Because I was sitting in the wrong car!

Isn't that funny?

It was very funny at the time.

- Hey, Ma.

- Oh, my God!

Look at who's here. The big, bad son!

- Andy!

- Hey, son.

What, did you come to get me?

We should probably head back

to the room, for a minute.

- I don't think so.

- No?

I'm having fun here, Andy!

I'm being fun!

And I'm meeting men! Andy!

Isn't that what you wanted?

That's not really what I meant, Mom.

Everybody, say hello to my little boy

who lives in California,

far away from his mommy.

The opposite side of the world.

- Ma, you're drunk right now.

- Please!

- You've had too much to drink.

- I am not drunk.

I'm not drunk! He's far, far away.

But that's okay! It's okay. Jimmy?

You know it's okay because

he calls me on my birthday

and sometimes he comes home

for Thanksgiving.

I need another one

of these drinky-poos! Okay?

Coming up.

Jimmy, I think she's actually

had enough to drink,

thank you very much.

No, I haven't!

Don't listen to him, Jimmy!

I want another drink,

and I need more cheesy fries.

Seriously, I think

she's had enough to drink.

Sorry, boss.

The lady wants a drink,

she's getting a drink.

The thing is, the lady doesn't

actually need a drink.

I paid for it, she's drinking it.

Look, you are crazy if you think

I'm gonna let you

give that drink to my mom.

You should just get out of my way now.

Wait...

Actually, I'm really tired.

I think we should be going.

We gotta be going.

No, no, no, no, no.

- Thank you so much.

- Joyce...

- No...

- Hey! Hey!

Oh, my God!

No, no, Jimmy...

Quite a night.

Do you remember what I used to say

when people asked me what

I wanted to be when I grew up?

I didn't say baseball player.

A lot of my friends

wanted to be Power Rangers.

That was a very popular profession.

I was the weirdest kid in the world,

because I said organic chemist

every time!

I mean, that's the only thing

I ever wanted to be.

Do you remember that?

Yes, I do.

Always doing these strange

experiments in the basement,

wearing these goggles.

I remember them.

Four times too big for your head.

Dude, those things

saved my eyes many times.

I went to UCLA because they have

the best organic chemistry program

in the country.

That's the only reason.

You hungry?

- Always.

- Okay.

All right. Let's see.

I'll have an appetizer...

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

Thanks.

I like those hats.

I'm sorry about last night,

Ma, what I said.

I shouldn't have said that.

I said some things, too.

Yeah, you did.

I haven't made one sale, Ma.

I...

I've spent the last five years

developing a product

that's really good,

and that I can't sell, at all, to anybody.

All my money, all my time,

all the money Dad left me,

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