The Guilt Trip Page #7

I have none of that anymore.

And, honestly, I have

no idea what I'm going to do

from now on, so...

I thought you should know that.

- Why didn't you say anything?

- I don't know.

You know, you always say,

"Who could say no to you?"

I didn't want to...

I didn't want to have to read you the list.

I could give you advice.

- I'm sure you could.

- But I'm not going to.

'Cause you're a grown-up, Andy,

and I want you to be your own man.

- So you can...

- When did you call Anita?

Before I went to

the bar last night.

Okay.

Andy, don't give up, okay?

I mean, we still have

three more meetings, right?

We have Santa Fe,

we have Vegas, San Francisco.

And it's not over yet, okay?

Yeah.

About San Francisco, Ma...

Welcome to Cattlemen's.

Y'all know what you want?

What is this...

What is this thing here?

Oh, that's our specialty!

It's the biggest piece

of Grade A steak around.

- Yeah?

- Fifty ounces!

It comes with a dinner salad, roll,

shrimp cocktail and a baked potato.

Now, if you can eat that all

in under an hour,

you get it for free. And you get a T-shirt!

Really? How much is it

if you don't finish?

A hundred bucks.

- A hundred bucks?

- Whoa, Ma,

are you kidding me right now?

You're broke, honey.

Don't turn free down.

And you know how I can eat!

Yeah, that's four and a half

pounds of meat, Mom.

That's a lot of meat!

I mean, that's like eating

a poodle. You know?

You actually think you can do that?

I don't just think it, honey. I know it.

It's just if I want to do it, that's it.

Well, you want to do it, hon?

Yeah. I'm gonna do it.

But I want the salad dressing

on the side.

It's a Weight Watchers thing.

Ladies and gentlemen!

If you would direct

your attention to the stage,

you will find Miss Joyce Brewster.

Hi.

Now, Joyce is from New Jersey.

- Hey, now...

- Oh, that's not nice.

That's not nice!

Joyce is from New Jersey,

but she's going to eat

like a Texan tonight!

Now, in the next hour,

Joyce will have to consume

a tossed salad,

with dressing on the side...

Healthy.

One of our dinner rolls.

Yum!

A shrimp cocktail!

- Love them.

- A baked potato!

As well as this here.

Wow! That is big!

Holy sh*t!

And it all has to get down and stay down

in under an hour.

Everybody, let's give Joyce

a great big hand!

- And let's go!

- Okay.

- I have to put my napkin down.

- Come on, Joyce!

Don't get all dainty, Joyce.

- Just dig in. Like a buzz saw.

- Okay.

All right, thank you. Okay.

Whoa, this is thick.

- Just eat it.

- My first bite!

This could be a lot of bites.

I'm so hot.

Okay, everybody! Joyce has got

Watch the clock!

Excuse me. Sorry.

- I'm sorry.

-It's okay.

I've seen all sorts of people

get after that steak,

but never one like that.

That's my mom.

That's your mom?

I would not lie about that, no.

I'm Benjamin Graw.

My friends call me Ben.

Hi, Ben Graw.

I'm Andrew Brewster.

My mother calls me Andy.

What brings you to Lubbock, Andy?

I'm traveling for work.

I'm just passing through, kinda.

Yeah, me, too. I'm headed to Tulsa.

I always try and make

a stop here on my way,

you know, at the Steak Ranch here,

watching people get

physically ill onstage.

It just don't get

much more American than that.

It doesn't, no.

No, no. She should

save the shrimp for last.

I'm kind of an expert by now.

I could help your mom,

give her some tips.

Yeah! Sure. Why not?

- Go for it. Yeah.

- Okay.

Howdy, ma'am. Your son, Andrew,

said I should come over

and give you a hand.

See, the key is the size

of the pieces you cut off,

you gotta keep them small.

One other thing.

What? What is it?

It's called the cycle.

You got to learn the cycle,

which is two small pieces,

potato, salad, then you have

two small pieces of steak,

-potato, salad.

- About that size?

Yeah. That's perfect, actually.

You'll get that down a lot faster.

- Okay. So two of those...

- Two of those.

There you go.

I wish I could offer you some but I can't.

No, you got to eat this all yourself.

- And then that.

- Yeah.

- That's perfect.

- Is that good?

Yeah, it's good. You actually

did all four at the same time.

That's pretty good.

Now let's keep going.

Mom's talking to a cowboy.

Come on!

It's four minutes to go for Joyce!

Give her a hand. Get up and

give her some encouragement!

- Faster, Andy, cut faster!

- I'm going as fast as I can.

My arm's falling off.

Is it hot in here, or...

It's actually really, really hot in here.

It's not just you this time.

You think I could ask them

for a little ketchup?

I think you could ask

for whatever you want, Mom.

I'll get you some ketchup.

But I'd like a little seltzer, too.

No, no. No seltzer, you need flat water.

Seltzer will make you too full.

- Where's the ketchup?

- Are you okay?

- No, I'm not okay.

- Are you sure?

I'm not okay!

You know what?

You know what? Look...

- I'm throwing in the towel.

- I wanted to do this.

No, I'm throwing it in.

Andy, I don't want you

to have to pay 100 bucks

-for a lousy piece of meat!

-It's fine!

Honestly, I'd rather pay 1,000 bucks

than watch you vomit

in front of these people!

Hold on. Hold on. Ride it out.

All right? I want you to

take a sip of water,

I want you to think happy thoughts.

What makes you happy?

Eating.

That actually helps a little bit.

But I don't know what to do now!

I don't know what to do.

You're going to finish!

Come on, let's go! Finish!

Finish!

- Come on!

- Okay.

Yes! Steak! Come on!

Okay, everybody, come here!

I think she's going to do it!

Come on! Let's go!

And over there. Come on!

Yes! The steak's gone!

You gotta shoot it! Shoot it like a shot.

Shoot it? What's a "shoot it"?

- Like a shot!

- Like this, you go like...

Oh, you mean like in the movies!

Ladies and gentlemen,

this is to my son.

And don't forget the free T-shirt.

- I won't.

- Shoot it!

Yes!

Yeah!

Thank you, honey.

So, you going to do

any more sightseeing

on the rest of your trip?

We wish we could.

We're actually

on a pretty tight schedule.

We're going to Santa Fe, Las Vegas,

and then San Francisco.

Well, I do hope you get to

stop at the Grand Canyon.

Oh, no, we can't this time

because we're really

on a very tight schedule.

- Well, maybe next trip, then.

- Yeah.

Andrew. It was a pleasure.

Oh, yeah. You, too. Thank you so much.

And thank you.

Thank you very, very much.

Thank you. And could I have

a second with your mom?

Yeah! For sure. Yeah. Thanks.

I hope this isn't being too forward,

but when I see a woman eat like that,

well, it just makes a man

want to stick his neck out.

I do business in New York.

I was hoping maybe I could

take you out to dinner one night.

I do know some restaurants

where you don't have to eat on a stage.

That's funny.

The thing about dating...

It is a date, right?

It's just so uncomfortable,

talking and eating

with someone you don't know.

Some would argue that

that's actually how

you get to know someone.

Yeah, that's... You could argue that.

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