The Hammer & the Butterfly Page #3

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a little lather going.

Okay, let's keep the feet moving,

keep the elbows in,

and your hands up.

Amateur boxing is

about scoring punches.

A light jab scores

just as much as a big hook.

And a knockout

still counts, though, right?

- Yeah, okay.

- Yeah, it counts.

All right.

And, time!

You know what?

If you think I want

some middle-aged,

middle-class white dude

thinking he's in some

boxing fantasy camp

messing with my mission,

man, you even more

stupid than you look.

I'd have kicked your ass,

but calling me middle-class

is about the nicest thing

anyone's ever said to me.

How much for the roses?

$12 a dozen.

Will you take ten bucks

for the dozen?

Okay.

Como se llama?

- Carlos.

- Carlos.

Carlos, two days ago, my friend,

I was right where you're at.

Not on the onramp of the 405,

but in my head.

You know what I mean?

I didn't know what was going on.

I was at a crossroads in my life.

Now, look at me.

Huh?

You know, it's like... like I wanna

tell everyone about this, you know?

And I'm thinking, like,

what do you want to do, Carlos?

When's your time?

You know what I mean?

When's Carlos going to start doing

what Carlos wants to do, right?

- All right?

- All right.

All right.

What's Carlos want to do?

Peanut?

Uh, the door's a little sticky

on the passenger side,

so just hang tight here

and I'll explain.

It's, uh... It's kind of a two-man gig.

Just stay clear there.

On three, lift the handle, please.

You want me to lift it?

Yeah, lift it on three,

but just stay wide of it.

- All right, you ready?

- Yeah.

One, two, three.

One more... One more try.

- Okay.

- We'll go... Okay?

Ready? Here we go.

- Perfect.

- Okay.

Like you've been doing it

your whole life.

Your chariot awaits.

Nice to see chivalry isn't dead.

And because...

the door's been flying open

on left-hand turns,

I'll give you a little bungee action.

- Okay.

- There.

Thank you.

And it's off we go.

The La Brea Tar Pits.

- Yeah.

- Wow.

This date's officially been

downgraded to a field trip.

Come on, now what's wrong

with the La Brea Tar Pits?

I've lived in L.A. for six years,

I've never been.

- I really want to see them.

- You want to see them?

- Yeah.

- You want to see them?

Close your eyes...

and picture a giant pit

filled with used transmission fluid.

We've been there.

God, look, it's really bubbling.

Yeah, I really...

I owe you an apology.

This is breath-taking.

- Can you smell it?

- I wish I had a condo right here.

To wake up every morning

to the smell of burning tar.

No other city but Los Angeles

would put up with this.

It's really an embarrassment.

Is it more than you

even dared to dream?

Tar is not an attraction,

it's a detraction.

You try to get away from tar.

I don't know why there's not

more postcards with this on it.

Do chick mastodons have the tusks

or is that just the dude...

Any other city, by the way,

would have filled this in

with kitty litter years ago.

This is humiliating.

Look, it says here that every one

of the exhibits in the museum

was pulled from one of these pits.

Right in the middle of L.A.

I'll tell ya, l...

My heart's beating too fast.

I think I gotta sit down.

Los Angeles is awesome.

No professional football team,

but all the fiberglass

elephants you want.

Look at these kids.

They look pissed off

that they're not at Disneyland.

I would sue my parents

if they took me here.

Oh, look!

I did not realize

we were gonna get to experience

what it would be like

to be trapped in tar.

I was all wrong about this place.

- See?

- Yeah.

I told you how fun it is.

Yeah, and maybe later

we could find out

what it feels like to step

in a bear trap

or be run over by a cattle truck.

- This is going to be a great day.

- Yeah.

You wanna dip an apple

into that or something,

or you're okay?

No, I'm good.

I think someone needs

to read their Bible again.

Doesn't it make you feel kind of insignificant?

Oh, I had that covered a long time ago.

Don't you ever ponder your place

in the continuum of life?

Well, wherever it is,

I'm sure it's behind the slow driver.

I'd put you right about here.

That reminds me,

it is loincloth season.

I gotta get into shape.

Are your glutes this size?

No, that's enhanced.

So, what happens at the regionals?

Well, if I win at the regionals,

then I go to the nationals.

And if you win at the nationals?

Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Success isn't exactly in my DNA.

But if you did?

If I did, I go to the Olympics.

Oh.

So, why did you quit

in the first place?

I killed a man in the ring.

Oh, my God, really?

Nah. I wish I had

an excuse that good.

I was just, you know...

I don't have any reason why.

I didn't get clipped by a motorcycle

or have to take care of my sick mom.

I was just...

I was 19 and I was stupid.

Like, when you're 19, you just...

At that age, it's just more fun

to play Atari and smoke pot

than it is to do sit-ups and road work.

And at what age is doing sit-ups

more fun than getting high

and playing video games?

That age.

Public defender.

But why grind through law school

if not to cash in on the big bucks?

Irrational love of the underdog.

And by "underdog"

you mean crackhead?

Hey, not all my clients are crackheads.

Some are meth-heads.

There's probably one now.

Just a sec.

Hello?

But it's Saturday.

Crime doesn't take weekends off,

I'm afraid.

You're so butch.

Well, that was fun...

for a day date.

A little abbreviated.

Perhaps we can work our way up

to late afternoon date?

Maybe even a dusk date?

I know a romantic little landfill

up in Pacoima.

You'd love it.

Oh, I'm sure I would,

but, um, this is a rough stretch for me.

I have depositions all week.

Yeah, me too.

I mean, not depositions,

but I'm up early

because I'm in training now, you know.

- Oh, yeah.

- Yeah, training regimen.

Crack of dawn and road work.

- You know, the whole thing.

- Right.

Well, I'll see you in class.

Okay.

Take care.

I got it.

Oh, you're off to a great start.

You put on three pounds.

- Muscle mass, Coach.

- Ah.

I just don't see how

you can be skinny and fat

at the same time.

You know, I've see guys

like you before.

You're one of those 95-percenters

who never quite gives it

everything he's got.

Actually, I'm a 75-percenter

who's giving you an extra 20%.

Get out of here.

Scrub.

Okay. And jab.

Jab, jab, jab.

Jab, jab, jab.

And uppercut.

Uppercut.

Uppercut. Uppercut.

Uppercut.

Oz! Ho!

Oswaldo Sanchez, everybody.

Yeah, thank you.

Thanks for covering for me.

You go vomit in the men's room.

Sorry I'm late.

Weight on the ball of the back foot.

Start with the straight jab.

Don't be squared off.

This is the third class she's missed.

I don't know, buddy.

You know, some women,

you tell them

you have no money,

no education,

no career path, and pow,

they lose interest.

Yeah, I know.

Just as well, anyway.

You know, with my training schedule,

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