The Haunted World of El Superbeasto Page #5

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I'm busy.

- Okay, bring it up.

- Camera assistant: How's that?

- Up a bit, yeah.

- That good?

- Okay, that's it.

- Scene 67, take 2.

Um-- damn it.

See, this is what happens.

Line, please.

- Why?

- Oh, right.

Why? Why? Why?

Why? Why?

Why?

I can't believe you're here.

My idol,

locked in chains like

a towelhead at Guantanamo.

Yeah, well, this is

a temporary setback, see?

You remember when

I was pitted against

the Raging Earth's Crust

at the Razzledome?

- No.

- Oh, yeah.

He was squeezing my head

- like I was a tit--

- Do you mind?

I'm trying to formulate

an exciting plan of action.

Then he yanked my balls off.

That's great.

Your family must be very proud.

I bet they gave you a party cake

and everything.

Oh, no. Can't have any cake.

I'm a diabetic.

But I did get a new set of

pendulous balls grafted on.

- See?

- Hmm.

Could this get any more repulsive?

Oh, sweet buns--

firm, yet squishy.

Oh, I love 'em.

Beasto's Hot Wheel's

at 12:
00, big daddy!

I dig the new cycle, Murray.

But if I didn't know better,

I'd say the design was a bit,

shall we say, kinky.

Kinky? Um, uh, no,

it was, uh-- I mean--

I meticulously calculated

the wind velocity

and that was the most

aerodynamically sound...

Time to change, Murray.

If somebody caught me wearing the

same outfit in two different adventures,

I think it would

simpwy bwake my wittle heart.

Oh, I understand

how the heart can ache--

sometimes achy-break.

Suzi, oh, please--

Wow, Murray, you're a riot.

Let me tell you-- count yourself

lucky you don't have a heart.

You never have to feel the rush

of hot blood racing through your veins,

pumping life into vital organs,

throbbing, pulsating,

swelling, pumping.

- Agh!

- Cool it, hot stuff.

- Oh, God!

- I'll tell you when we need the big guns.

Murray, I think we've got company.

There they are!

# Zombie Nazis standing

at a wall now. #

Love is a battlefield.

Ah, the wisdom of Benatar.

Witness the carnage, Otto.

Welcome to

the Hall of Frozen Ex-wives!

Where did I go wrong?

Take Deirdre.

We met in pre-med.

Oh, how I adored her.

Oh, she was beneath you, sir--

and beneath every man on the

Manchester United Football Club.

Oh? And what would

you know about it, monkey?

Anyway, she was boring.

Ah, my second marriage, to Lilith,

was a debaucherous downward spiral.

Mmm!

Ah, Shirley.

She was cute--

couple of father issues, though.

Hmm.

Oh, Maria.

Philosophical differences.

Mmm.

Impala-- she wouldn't

let me get too close to her.

Sarah--

she ran hot and cold.

Sex was mechanical!

Too clingy.

Too bossy.

Slurped her soup.

Oh! My dry cleaning.

Nope.

Wrong.

No no no no no.

Nose!

Ball busters on parade, brother!

all of them abysmal catastrophes!

A total waste of time!

Oh, but how I love the ladies!

Nothing will stop me now!

Get me Velvet von Black!

- What was that?

- I'll tell you what it was,

if you ask me. But quite honestly,

you've been difficult to talk to.

Oh, sh*t.

I think that was a rat.

Well, then-- there are only two things

in this world that I'm afraid of:

my Uncle Carl in a thong,

and rats!

Well, I got bad news for you, son.

And worse news.

Uh, what's the bad news?

Hey, Beasto, you want to

play "My Bad Little Pony"?

Uncle Carl!

Jesus, Mary, and Seacrest!

What's the worse news?

Hey, check this out.

B- b-b-b-b-b!

Oh, moist.

That's a new one.

People'd pay money to see that.

I can't take it.

I'm not supposed to die like this.

I'm a celebrity, damn it!

Wachowski, get ready for

the wedgie of your life!

Whoo! Attaboy!

My pretty Miss X.

You thought you'd seen

the last of us, didn't you?

Yeah, well, I was kinda hoping,

you know.

I did change my outfit and all.

Do you like it?

It looks like it was painted on.

- She's much hotter than Eva Braun.

- Come to Papa!

Now you're cooking with gas!

Ooh, sexy Mama!

Silence, Grossberger!

Very clever, Miss X,

but you are not familiar

with the Nazi Curse, are you?

Hmm, which one?

Let me see.

There's "F*** Nazis,"

"God Damn Nazis,"

"Nazi A**holes,"

"Nazi Pricks,"

"Nazi Douche Bags,"

"Nazi Jerk Offs"--

the list just goes on and on.

Ha ha ha.

That's so funny I forgot to laugh.

No, my pretty.

The Nazi Curse proclaims

that the one who vanquishes

the soul of the Fuhrer

will suffer the second coming

of the Third Reich!

Arise, soldiers of the Third Reich!

Nobody's laughing now!

Well, I am, but it's

all about context, you see.

Correct me if I'm wrong here,

but wouldn't the second coming

of the Third Reich

actually be the first coming

of the Fourth Reich?

What did you say?

Since this is the new one

after number three,

wouldn't this technically

be number four, dipshit?

That's right. You go, girl.

You know what you're talking about.

Technically she is correct.

Wilhelm, would you do me a favor?

- Yeah.

- Shut up!

Aw, forget it.

Wait wait, my brothers.

No no no!

Do over! Do over!

Arise, soldiers of either the

Fourth or the Third Reich,

you know, depending on

how you choose to count it.

Who's your daddy now?

That's right. Me!

Murray, prepare

for Ass Kicking 101!

Let's get it done!

So, Dr. Satan, huh?

What the f***?

You a doctor, like a PhD and sh*t?

Ah, Velvet, you are the most

delightful and bewitching woman

I have ever met.

That's 'cause I'm a f***in' lady.

Mmm.

Hmm. I don't want

to seem too forward, Velvet,

but the truth is I've grown

quite smitten with you.

Oh, God.

Yeah, me too.

You got some nice digs, though.

I ain't gonna front.

When Tananeesha and

Roqwana come through,

ooh, it's gonna be on!

Them b*tches gonna be jealous.

Velvet, I'm going to cut to the chase.

you see here is yours

if you will be my bride.

Oh, Satan, you're

the motherfuckin' man!

And now, my dear--

And now--

Otto!

Where the f*** is the ring?

How fast do you think I can

saw the finger off a corpse?

Hmm, so, this is awkward.

Mmm-hmm.

Be my number 23.

Da-a-amn!

Now that's what

I'm talking about!

That sh*t's tight!

Aiight, I'm down.

Let's turn this mother out!

Whoa-ho-ho-ho!

We are gonna have

the best Polish wedding ever!

You gotta understand--

it's not an exercise program,

it's a lifestyle.

Look at me. I don't eat carbs.

I don't eat 'em after 8:00.

I just don't do it.

You know what we are,

don't you?

I'll tell ya--

we're doomed!

Not so fast, my big-balled friend.

I didn't come this far to go down

like a Filipino transvestite

during Fleet Week.

Uh, music.

# El Superbeasto... #

What the--

Whoo, that was a lot of fun.

I haven't kicked ass

like that in a long time.

Wait, I hear something.

Is that Bodislav Bodinsky

the polka king?

Outrageous!

Let's go!

Oh, sure, use a man's balls

to beat the hell out of something

and then don't wait for him!

Kraut bogey, 5:
00!

When I woke up this morning

I was in such a good mood.

Mind if I borrow these

for a moment?

Time to take over, big boy.

I'm going in.

Going in?

F***ing awesome!

Damn iit, Otto, this is my special day

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