The Heyday of the Insensitive Bastards Page #4

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even notice this was her street.

Edmund:
Oh well, you do not

notice most things.

Paul:
Oh, I do not notice most things?

Is that not interesting...

Edmund:
You see, he looks just like,

just like you when you were young.

Paul:
Yeah... well that kid

is not my kid.

Edmund:
Look at him!

Paul:
What do I gotta look at

him for? Hey, hey, hey, listen -

that is not my son. That is not my son,

I do not know why you do not get that.

Why am I gonna look at him. That's not

my son. What a dumb thing to say.

Caddy:
Did he smoke?

Paul:
Yeah, I did not see a

point in keeping him from it.

Paul:
We drove past the, by Laura's house.

How is she doing these days?

Caddy:
She thinks of herself as family.

Coming to the hospital and everything.

Paul:
You know, I do not know how

you put up with that every day.

He is so rude. He does not know he is being

rude. He drives around saying sh*t...

Caddy:
Your father has always been a

little mean. It is all he has got left.

I cannot deny him the one

thing that he can still feel.

Paul:
I do not remember any

meanness in him.

Caddy:
Glad you feel that way. I do not

have a particular hole in my memory.

Everyone has a little

meanness in them.

You should see the child.

Caddy:
I know. He is not your

son. But she was your wife.

Paul:
She was my wife.

She led me to believe we would get

back together for four months

and just never bothered to

say, umm, oh I am pregnant.

Caddy:
Sometimes, honey, people

cannot speak their thoughts.

Other words come out instead.

Go see them.

Laura:
You come to see me, or

him?

Paul:
You look like yourself.

Laura:
I suppose that is a

compliment.

Paul:
So what are you up

to these days?

Laura:
Umm, I am a teller at the bank, but

mostly I take care of cliff. And, uh, you?

Paul:
I make furniture now.

Business is improving.

Eventually there might be some money in it.

But I am happier around the lumber.

Laura:
I remember you always used

to say, wood cannot be forced.

You have to discover

the form within.

Paul:
I do not think I said

that bullshit,

but if I did it was probably

just to impress you.

Laura:
You did.

Paul:
Hey buddy. How old

are you?

You are a big boy.

You like horses? Huh?

You can have him, if you want

him.

Laura:
Hey honey, you want to run

inside and show grandma your new toy?

Mommy is going to talk

to her friend.

Laura:
That was kind of you.

Laura:
You are still driving

the swinger?

Paul:
My dad loves her. I let him smoke in it.

He, uh, is not himself anymore. You know.

Sometimes he looks like my father. Occasionally

sounds like my father, but he is...

Laura:
I thought it would be

to strange to send you pictures.

I had a fling.

He looked like you.

Paul:
I guess I should go.

Laura:
You know where to

find us.

Paul:
Yeah.

Paul:
My girl. My girl. That is what

I wanted to say. You look yourself,

I wanted to say you look like my

f***ing girl, man.

Stupid ass idiot. Then what? Then what!?

Then what? I do not know.

Paul:
What should I do?

Older Michael narrating: We

were locked out.

Older Michael narrating: We would

have to make a decision soon.

Break in or hike a

few miles back to town.

But for now, we were

teenaged boys with one concern.

Lee a couple summers ago I was

at church camp.

And you now how they have each day

you got a different activity.

Well, this particular day it was art and

crafts, and I mean I was not into it.

Lee:
You know I hate crafts.

Michael:
You hate arts and crafts.

Lee:
Yeah. So this girl, I

kind of see her looking at me.

And she was beautiful. I mean, she had

like this perfectly feathered hair

and she had the most incredible

singing voice.

She could have had a record deal, that is

what I told her. And so I was talking to her.

And we were supposed to be making those

gods eyes with the yarn or whatever.

And I was like 'hey you want to get

out of here?' And shes like 'okay'

so, I said come with me. And

we start making out. You know,

it is like I am telling you. It is those

innocent girls that get the craziest.

Michael:
They are crazy,

naughty.

Lee:
It is like all

repressed inside or something.

Lee:
And her ass. Oh my god.

Her ass was so round, it was like the most

perfectly round thing that you have ever seen.

Michael:
Like a bubble?

Lee:
I did not even know nature could create

something. It was like a babies head.

Greg:
God dammit, Michael. Michael: Oh

yeah, real soft. Like a babies cheeks.

Lee yeah, yeah, just like two

little babies heads.

Older Michael narrating: It goes

without saying that this was bullshit.

Lee was starving for information

about sex just like the rest of us.

A few years back, lees father was caught performing

an abortion and stripped of his license to operate.

Lee did not touch or comfort his

father.

He did not ask about the law or

justice or even who the woman was.

He only asked one thing

Lee:
Was she naked?

Lee:
She was such - such good

p*ssy, man. What about you Greg?

Greg:
Well, it was not quite as

innocent as Bible camp...

Michael:
Get ready for the

bullshit.

Greg:
Hey! So, I am out mowing

my lawn.

Its my neighbors yard and she was

probably like maybe forty something,

I am not sure, but she was not

too old, but like just right!

And she comes out like half way

through, alright -

Lee:
And she invites me in for cookies

and lemonade. Michael: Your neighbor??

Greg:
It is like..

Lee:
Twinkies and lemonade?

Greg:
She must have known me, I

do not know how, but she got me.

And next thing I know she comes back around

Twinkies, lemonade, no shirt, no bra.

Just tits man, they were like -

if I had to compare them -

I would probably say like working with -

maybe a mango - you know what I am saying.

Like a mango

almost like, you know how like when your checking

the mango to make sure it is not rotten.

But it is squishy and stuff.

Lee:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Greg:
It is like a rotten mango.

So anyway you know - I start

of course the Twinkies and

lemonade are long gone. F*** that.

And so I am f***ing her and she

starts making this noise.

And dammit if I had a tape recorder

for that noise. It was beautiful.

Michael:
What was it? Greg: It was -

it was a damn serenade of beauty.

Lee:
I want to hear the noise. Greg:

I wish I could create it. It was..

Michael:
Yeah you can, go

ahead. Come on. Make the noise.

Greg:
No I cannot. I cannot.

I cannot.

Lee:
Was it a little like -

Michael:
Yeah, like f***ing a

retarded pig kind of.

Greg:
No, no, no, no. It was like, you

know what. Alright, for you all sakes.

Okay. I will make the

noise, alright. One time show.

Michael & Lee:
Thank you,

alright!

Greg:
Please take it in, I might not do it

justice. But I will give it a shot okay, so -

Greg:
Right here. It is

like that.

It is just like, it is real

long and deep like 'uuuuuhhhhh'

Lee:
I thought this was the

sound that she made. Not you.

Greg:
No that is the sound she

made yeah.

Michael:
That is the sound she

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