The Heyday of the Insensitive Bastards Page #5

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made!?

Older Michael narrating: In fact, Greg was borrowing details

from something he witnessed through a keyhole one night.

Greg's parents had invited

some of their friends over.

They did this from time to

time apparently.

Mother:
Oh yeah

mother:
Who is first?

Random guy one:
Oh - I am first

Lee and Michael:
Bitchin' man.

Yeah man that is righteous.

Greg:
Thank you. Thank you.

Yeah. No big deal. What about you, man.

What about your lady Michael?

Lee:
I want to hear some dirty

sh*t.

Michael:
Okay, there is this

one time.

Lee:
Yeah, lets hear it.

Greg:
Yeah, ready for it.

Michael:
Remember the Chandler

game?

Lee & Greg:
Yeah, yeah.

Michael:
Well the party. The

party after the game.

You were not there but I went

with my older brother.

And umm, it was all older chicks

there. And you know.

Anyway, I was at this party and I look

across the room and I see this girl.

You know I was sitting all the way across the

room but somehow we just keep locking eyes.

And she is giving me this real intense

stare. She was so beautiful man.

I mean like, movie star eyes and she

is wearing this really cute outfit.

I glance down and I see shes got

these white panties on

Greg:
So, uhh, what about the

white panties?

Michael:
So she found a way

to show them to me. Just me.

Greg:
Damn! Lee: Like - did you

do anything about it? Come on.

Greg:
Where are you going? That

is cool about the white panties.

Older Michael narrating: The story I told

my friends was only part of the truth.

The white flash of the girl

underwear did something to me.

I had to move, say something.

Greg:
So what did you do?

Michael:
Well, I stand up and I

just go straight across the room.

Michael:
I could tell she wanted me

to do something. So - I reached out.

Greg:
Oh really? What did you

reach out for?

Michael:
Well - I put my

finger there.

Greg:
Where? Where did you put

it?

Michael:
Put it there. Right -

right f***ing there. Right there.

Lee:
What happened from there?

Just leave her sitting. Come on.

Michael:
Alright, okay. Let me

get to that.

Greg:
I am jealous - I would

love to hear it.

Older Michael narrating: Because I was a virgin

I could no describe what I did with the girl.

What I described was a

landscape.

Mountains.

Fields.

The things around me.

I substituted the body of a

woman for the body of the earth.

At least that is what I think I

did.

We did not know exactly what we were saying. But

we knew we were saying more than what was said.

Michael:
She wants it so. So I gave it to

her. You know. I gave it to her real hard.

You know, real fast. Deep, you

know.

I do not think I could have

gotten deeper or gone harder.

Lee:
Ahh, that is the best!

Michael:
Yeah. And umm,

when it was all over - I just

looked at her and then I left.

Greg:
That was a good story, man.

Yeah, that was great. Look at us.

Lee:
Umm, you guys want another

cigarette?

Michael:
Yeah.

Greg:
It is about time for me.

Older Michael narrating: We

talked into the night.

Eventually we did hike the five miles

back into town to call a locksmith.

But for now we were

content to sit and smoke.

Three boys of no particular

distinction.

Elevating as best we could, the fragile

faith that our lives had meaning.

Keen narrating:
As much as anything

ever really happens, this really did.

Keen narrating:
I guess you could

say I was in that drifting phase...

You can call it whatever

you want.

Somewhere between dropping out of college

and the beginning of settling down.

I was headed home for the

summer to straighten myself out.

But took a detour.

A couple thousand miles west of

my intended destination.

Keen:
I ended up at this house

in apex, Colorado.

My buddy Clete was there.

Said he knew this girl that was dog sitting for some

rich folks spending the summer in Scotland or something.

He said there was a full liquor cabinet,

stockpile of shrooms and a free bed.

So it seemed worth a pit stop

god a lot of people lived in

that house over the summer.

It was actually hard to tell who did

and who did not on any particular day.

I know, I cannot remember a lot

of their names.

Does it matter?

Well there was Barnett.

Party goer one:
Cause she

f***ing squats when she pees.

Keen narrating:
You know Barnett was a

special kind of a**hole, you know the type.

Barnett:
Hey, my man! Keen narrating: See it was

bad to say, considering. But that is the truth.

Barnett:
I do not know if I like white women

anymore. I do not even know which one to pick.

You know what I am saying. I was thinking

about when I was throwing rocks at a river.

Anyway I would like to talk to you about

it more if you got some time. Good sh*t.

Clete:
Lions go after the weak link. Always the baby

wildebeest, the retarded zebra, the gimpy little antelope.

Now, based on this evidence, what

do you think this movie is called?

"Lion:
The noble beast"

keen:
Still talking about that

f***ing movie?

Clete:
It is a documentary.

And it is significant.

Keen narrating:
Clete was full of useful

information from public television.

Clete:
For you. Take them and

trip in good health.

Keen narrating:
Like the cultural importance of

baseball, or the healing powers of magic mushrooms

or the most effective methods of

hunting in the desert.

See, those were the topics of

conversation that summer.

And everyone was engaged in a horse

race for the dog sitter - Lila.

Lila:
You looking for something?

Keen:
Yeah, just some water.

Lila:
You are in the wrong

place, buddy.

Whiskey and ice. It is my specialty.

Plus, it is all we got left, so.

Keen narrating:
Stu, nice guy, had

a flare or the near overdose.

Keen:
What is up with him?

Lila:
Been like that or hours. We do

not know if it is drugs or something

keen:
Or something? What do you

mean or something?

Lila:
I do not know. A million

things.

Lila:
You bastards.

Keen:
I think we are all bastards and

saints. Just depends on the day.

Lila:
You are quite profound

for someone from Ohio.

Keen narrating:
The way I saw it I had two options. Turn

tail and head for home. Or throw my hat in the ring.

Keen narrating:
I mean,

what would you do?

Keen narrating:
You cannot just sit next to a

girl and expect her to unfold her life to you

like it is a shirt she is asking

you to wear.

You have to show her that you are giving

something up in order to talk to her.

I am telling you, man. If you want to get to the

really good stories, you have to make an effort.

Lila:
High school,

the lady friend.

Keen:
Uhh, what do you want to know?

Lila:
I want to know it all.

Keen:
She was not especially beautiful,

but she was amazing to talk to

Lila:
So you never saw her

again?

Keen:
I kind of lost track of her. But I did

see her, yeah, at our ten year reunion. Yeah.

Lila:
You went to your ten year reunion...

Keen:
Yeah I did. Why?

Lila:
No reason. I do not know.

Keen:
Okay.

Keen:
Anyways she, she is married to some

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