The Hoax Page #5

They gave me $500,000.

Is that plausible?

I don't think so.

- You want to get a drink?

- Okay.

I'm gonna change my shirt.

I'll be right out.

- I'm heading home.

- You go. I'm sticking for a while.

- See you, Tom.

- Good night.

- Tommy, can I use your phone?

- Yeah, sure, go right ahead.

I saw Elmyr a few months ago in lbiza.

So, how is our old friend Elmyr?

Well, I was having dinner with friends,

and he was at the bar,

sitting all alone, drinking.

He came up to me and he said,

"I have always found your affair with

Clifford to be common and immoral."

And he stormed out.

You're lying. Elmyr didn't say that.

Oh, I'm the liar?

Oh, I'm the liar?

And who's writing a fake book about

the most famous man in the world?

Gotta get back.

No! No, the clock is broken. You stay.

Just to confirm,

he's still rich

and you're still not gonna leave him.

Oh, I want to, Cliff, I want to.

But, no, I'm not going to.

I'm shallow, Cliff.

My greatest desire

is to be an American movie star.

- How shallow is that?

- Pretty shallow.

And besides, why does it bother you

so much that I'm your mistress?

Brecht, Hemingway,

they all had mistresses.

The lying gives me a headache,

if you want to know the truth.

Oh, I forgot. You're a devoted husband.

I think I forgot

while you were screwing me.

Sorry.

Sorry.

I know I should have not called you.

I'm not gonna go through

this whole thing again.

I can't do it to her. I can't.

I'll see you next time?

Oh, Dick, Nina!

There's no future with her.

- She weakens me.

- Okay, all right. That's very helpful.

Edith is stability, Dick. She's my rock.

Give me a break, will you, please?

Did you tell Nina about the book?

Are you out of your f***ing mind?

I've got the "I'm an a**hole" part

down pretty good.

It's the "What do I do now?" part

I need help with.

Please? Be my friend?

- Are you my friend?

- Yeah, I'm your friend.

I don't know what I'm gonna do

if she asks me where I went.

Come clean.

She'll leave me, for good.

It's the best I got.

What else can I tell you?

You wanna hear this?

Yeah.

All right,

this is the Senate hearings, 1947.

I'm not even sure

that's a correct statement,

but the fact remains

that if I made 15 million dollars,

I made it selling oil well tools

and beer,

Grand Prize beer,

to people down in Texas.

"Beer down in Texas."

And I don't think the public

should be led to believe...

"Led to believe."

... on war contracts while I did not.

Now, furthermore...

"Now, furthermore..."

- "Furthermore, Senator..."

- "Furthermore..."

... a little money somewhere.

How could I put nine million dollars...

A little pocket change

worth five million dollars in my pocket.

Mr. Hughes, where would you

like to begin?

- Family, friends, father...

- Yeah.

My father. We'll do father.

People called my father Big Howard.

Big Howard...

Big Howard made his money

leasing drilling bits in the oil business.

He said to me... He said, "Sonny..."

"Sonny, these drill bits

are your bread and butter.

"Don't ever let 'em go."

Big Howard died when I was 18.

His bunch of Texas roughneck friends

tried to sell his company.

Pushed me out of the picture.

I don't like being pushed.

Now, when two parties negotiate,

you got a lion and a donkey.

One party, through bluster or leverage,

claims control of

the situation right away. That's the lion.

At 18,

I sued these men

trying to sell my father's company.

I sued them, I attacked them,

I blackmailed them,

I pushed every which way I could!

I learned to be a lion.

Jesus, Cliff.

- Read the women's rags lately?

- Hi.

Excerpts from

Howard Hughes' autobiography

in Ladies Home Journal

from the book by Robert Eaton.

Life's lawyers are gnawing

the flesh from my bones.

Would you like to tell me, Clifford,

what the f*** is going on here?

Would you like to tell me, Clifford,

what the f*** is going on here?

I don't know anything about this.

This goddamn Eaton

supposedly has memos,

the same handwritten memos

that you've got, so...

Either you're selling this twice and

using Robert Eaton as a pen name...

I won't even dignify that

with a response.

Or, more likely, your demigod

lunatic friend is using two writers.

You get it?

All the sharks at my company

have is you,

which means they will sue your skinny

ass for every cent of the advance,

plus damages,

for making false representations...

No, I made no false representations!

...about an exclusive book

you said you could deliver.

So she said that they said

that they would sue us both?

- Yeah.

- Both of us?

- I mean, she mentioned me by name?

- Yes.

Can you believe this son of a b*tch

had the same idea?

But I spent the money.

I told you we might have to give it back!

Jeez, Dick.

Well, it wasn't exactly

a huge percentage to begin with.

Look, just pay the money.

Tell them that Hughes

has changed his mind.

- And I'll owe you the difference.

- I can't. I'm down most of it myself.

Yeah, well, borrow it.

This isn't a prank anymore, Cliff.

If they go to the press with this,

we're gonna have

Howard f***ing Hughes chasing us.

And Intertel.

Remember, they'll stab us

with sodium pentothal?

They'll kill us or tie us up or something.

Howard won't be coming after us.

His advisors maybe, but he won't.

- Oh, really?

- Yeah.

- What, he tell you that over breakfast?

- Yeah.

And what about this other book?

What if that's the real thing, huh?

You thought about that?

All right, the question is,

what would Howard do

in a situation like this?

I don't know. Buy a f***ing airline.

Diversion, end run, surprise.

Who are you now? General Patton?

Viruses and bacteria

are the most powerful enemies...

Luce.

the human body has got.

You look at the fingernail clippings...

Henry Luce.

Dick, I think you should

take a little holiday.

You got everything?

You got your passport?

- You got the letter? Okay, great.

- Yeah, I'm fine...

You're gonna be fine. Bye.

ONLY YOU KNOW:

AND I KNOW PLAYING

- Hello, this is Andrea.

- Yeah, Andrea, it's Cliff.

Yeah, one more thing, Shelton Fisher

needs to be at the meeting.

Do you know who he is?

Chairman of McGraw-Hill, yes.

- Has to be at the meeting.

- All right, I'll see what I can do.

It's not me. It's him.

No negotiation. No Fisher, no meeting.

Mr. Irving, it would appear

that either you

or your illustrious sponsor

is jerking someone's chain.

Let me assure you that chain

will not be connected to Life magazine.

So, why don't you begin by telling us

who Robert Eaton is

and why he's selling the book

you're supposed to be writing?

Shelton, have you received

your mail today?

Excuse me?

Ralph, I was talking to Shelton.

As a side comment,

watch your tone with me.

I've been up for two nights negotiating

with a very stubborn billionaire,

and my quota for verbal abuse

has been reached.

Could you get the mail, please?

Life magazine has been known

to have a slight impact

on writers' careers, my friend.

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