The Honor List Page #4

Oh, you think you're so funny,

but just remember.

We have videotape

that might just embarrass you.

Come on, Piper.

Troy has some friends

stopping by later.

- Come on.

- Yeah.

(LAUGHS)

My name is Sophie Stephens,

and I'm a virgin.

Frigid.

(LAUGHTER)

I created an app

called Worth the Wait

to help you control those urges.

How do you control

your urges, Sophie?

Best friends AA batteries?

- (LAUGHTER)

- It's... It's fine.

I'm... I'm not ashamed.

I masturbate consciously.

- Yeah!

- (LAUGHTER)

And when I have

really overpowering urges,

I go for a run or a spin class.

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

This is called

"Gentle Mutilation

on the Natural State of my Body

in the Name of Being

Socially Acceptable."

Can't believe you were

ever friends with her.

Thank you.

(RAZOR CLATTERS)

(APPLAUSE)

If you'd like to sign up,

and I know all of you do...

You were really good up there.

Whatever.

Thanks, gorgeous.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

What are you doing here?

Nikki Yanofsky's

coming on at 10:
00.

So you've got time

to come see a gig,

but you're too busy

to help us pack?

I had finals this week, Issy.

Pack for what?

All right,

ladies and gentlemen,

next up, can we have

Piper Morley to the stage?

Piper Mor... Piper Morley.

You're going on?

- No.

- Yes.

Cool. I'll grab a seat.

Break a nail.

Thank you.

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

(SCATTERED WHISPERING)

(AUDIENCE MEMBER

CLEARS THROAT)

Hey, Barbie, say something.

Yeah. Um...

uh, roses are red,

beer is great,

poems are hard,

beer.

(MAN CHUCKLES)

Uh, that's a...

that was a T-shirt

I woke up in the other morning.

- Um...

- (CHUCKLES)

Okay. Uh,

speaking of beer, um, what...

what do a bottle of Corona and...

and a blonde have in common?

No? Uh...

both are empty from the neck up.

(COUGHS)

Just gonna... Okay.

Um...

uh...

oh, God.

So I'm an only child...

and I've got divorced parents.

Who else here

has divorced parents?

I decided to live with my dad.

Why? 'Cause at first,

it was like living

with a cool older brother,

'cause he left

the toilet seat up,

and I didn't have a curfew.

Plus my mom, she sucks.

(LAUGHS)

But she does make the best

banana bacon pancakes ever,

so that's why I

still let her come around.

She cheated on my dad

for years, and...

uh, now she's with

this guy called BMyBae2night,

which I'm pretty sure is,

like, the worst possible name

you could have on OkCupid,

except for NotAnInternetKiller.

(LAUGHTER)

This is also around the time

that I started

making bad decisions.

Now, what kind of bad decisions,

you may ask?

Here.

Actually, let's play a game.

So you guys name a location,

and I will say a bad decision

I made in connection to it.

Uh, you in the second row,

red sweater next to the guy

who's hoping to sleep with you

by the end of the night.

That's my brother.

- (LAUGHTER)

- Oh.

Oh, my bad.

How about Starbucks?

Caused a small,

but contained fire.

(LAUGHTER)

405 Freeway.

My car was towed

while I was still in it,

and I didn't have pants on.

(LAUGHTER)

Malibu Beach?

Threw up on a French bulldog

and his owner.

Um, I still get

the occasional text from him.

The dog, not the owner.

(LAUGHTER)

My name's Piper.

When I grow up,

I would like to be

a boozed-up writer like my dad

or Elizabeth Bishop,

just without the unrequited love

and torture part.

- Amen.

- Whoo-hoo.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

(BAND PLAYING)

You must be blowin' smoke

(NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE)

You must be blowin' smoke

High on your supply

Believe in love

Holes in

Sugar, sugar coating

You must be blowin' smoke

Hopeless

Got to get going now

You must be blowin' smoke

(GRUNTS)

Holes in

Sugar coatin'

Ooh hoo

I know you

must be blowin' smoke

You must be blowin' smoke

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Throw a kick-ass

senior year party.

Well, that's your department,

Piper.

What?

Isn't that what you,

Leah, and Krissy

do for a living,

professional partiers?

That's not all we do together.

Okay, sure. Maybe it is,

but the idea is you party with

people you wanna hang out with,

you know, not like...

Okay, like it's so great

for my image?

I have to tell people

that I'm doing research

on women who have been having

meaningless sex for years

and how that affects

their brain.

Well, maybe

if you actually had sex,

you wouldn't be

such a psycho with PMS.

Okay, so how are we

actually gonna do this,

'cause I can't have

the party at my place,

so obviously it has to be

at Isabella's.

What? That's impossible.

My parents

are doing renovations.

Really?

So it's at Sophie's.

What? No. Mm-mm. No way.

Don't your parents

go away, like, every weekend?

Yes, but that's

besides the point.

No, I mean, Sophie,

it's perfect.

I mean, your house is huge.

You've got a pool

and the fire pit in the back.

It's like

a perfect make-out spot.

- No, we can't...

- No, no, thanks, Sophie.

I'll help clean up.

Uh, will you arrange the drinks?

- I already did the invite.

- What?

Later.

- (LAUGHS)

- Piper!

(SIGHS)

Okay, bacon

banana cream pie pancakes.

Yum. Coming up. I'm almost done.

You okay?

Why didn't you go

to Honor's funeral?

I was waiting for you.

You didn't have to go.

Yes, I... I wanted to go.

Of course I was gonna go.

I mean, Honor's your friend.

Was.

Is everything okay over here?

You all right?

Yeah. Um, it's good.

Everything's good.

Oh, did I tell you,

uh, Dad's dating again?

No.

Yeah, he met

some... some great woman.

She's a lawyer,

urban renewal,

works pro bono.

She's a redhead,

and she drives a Porsche.

Wow, really? That's...

Okay. Good.

Yeah, he's really happy.

Okay, I think I found the only

clean plate in the entire house.

Thanks, Mom.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(SIGHS)

Really good. (LAUGHS)

Okay, good. Good.

Hey, I'm moving in with Colin.

BMyBae2night? That guy?

That was a joke.

That was a joke.

His friends h-helped him

set up the profile.

I told you that. It doesn't...

Actually, I would just like it

if you would call him Colin,

all right?

You getting married?

I don't... Maybe, I guess.

Possibly.

Yeah, we are.

Piper, we've got to move on.

Right? I mean,

your dad's moving on.

He's dating.

And are you dealing

with all of this...

or are you just...

are you just keeping it inside

the whole time,

or what are you doing?

Actually, you know,

your dad was telling me

you've been hanging out

with Isabella.

I know you two

have been through a lot, and...

but she's always

been a really good...

Dad's not dating!

He sleeps on the sofa

and looks like the Dude

from "The Big Lebowski,"

so everything is not okay.

Oh.

Sorry.

Piper. Uh...

Oh.

(SCOFFS)

A Porsche and a redhead?

Oh, that's, yeah, a dream.

Dream.

(SIGHS)

(CHUCKLES)

I decorated this whole room

around his terrible

brown recliner.

Now look at it.

Heh.

It's what you wanted,

wasn't it?

Yes...

but it still hurts.

Just promise me

you won't leave me, too.

(PHONE LINE RINGS)

You've reached Dillon.

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