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The Honor List Page #4
- PG-13
- Year:
- 2018
- 103 min
- 182 Views
Oh, you think you're so funny,
but just remember.
We have videotape
that might just embarrass you.
Come on, Piper.
Troy has some friends
stopping by later.
- Come on.
- Yeah.
(LAUGHS)
My name is Sophie Stephens,
and I'm a virgin.
Frigid.
(LAUGHTER)
I created an app
called Worth the Wait
to help you control those urges.
How do you control
your urges, Sophie?
- (LAUGHTER)
- It's... It's fine.
I'm... I'm not ashamed.
I masturbate consciously.
- Yeah!
- (LAUGHTER)
And when I have
really overpowering urges,
I go for a run or a spin class.
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
This is called
"Gentle Mutilation
on the Natural State of my Body
in the Name of Being
Socially Acceptable."
Can't believe you were
ever friends with her.
Thank you.
(RAZOR CLATTERS)
(APPLAUSE)
If you'd like to sign up,
and I know all of you do...
You were really good up there.
Whatever.
Thanks, gorgeous.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
What are you doing here?
Nikki Yanofsky's
coming on at 10:
00.So you've got time
to come see a gig,
but you're too busy
to help us pack?
I had finals this week, Issy.
Pack for what?
All right,
ladies and gentlemen,
next up, can we have
Piper Morley to the stage?
Piper Mor... Piper Morley.
You're going on?
- No.
- Yes.
Cool. I'll grab a seat.
Break a nail.
Thank you.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
(SCATTERED WHISPERING)
(AUDIENCE MEMBER
CLEARS THROAT)
Hey, Barbie, say something.
Yeah. Um...
uh, roses are red,
beer is great,
poems are hard,
beer.
(MAN CHUCKLES)
Uh, that's a...
that was a T-shirt
I woke up in the other morning.
- Um...
- (CHUCKLES)
Okay. Uh,
speaking of beer, um, what...
what do a bottle of Corona and...
and a blonde have in common?
No? Uh...
both are empty from the neck up.
(COUGHS)
Just gonna... Okay.
Um...
uh...
oh, God.
So I'm an only child...
and I've got divorced parents.
Who else here
has divorced parents?
I decided to live with my dad.
Why? 'Cause at first,
it was like living
with a cool older brother,
'cause he left
the toilet seat up,
and I didn't have a curfew.
Plus my mom, she sucks.
(LAUGHS)
But she does make the best
so that's why I
still let her come around.
She cheated on my dad
for years, and...
uh, now she's with
this guy called BMyBae2night,
which I'm pretty sure is,
you could have on OkCupid,
except for NotAnInternetKiller.
(LAUGHTER)
This is also around the time
that I started
making bad decisions.
Now, what kind of bad decisions,
you may ask?
Here.
Actually, let's play a game.
So you guys name a location,
and I will say a bad decision
I made in connection to it.
Uh, you in the second row,
red sweater next to the guy
who's hoping to sleep with you
by the end of the night.
That's my brother.
- (LAUGHTER)
- Oh.
Oh, my bad.
How about Starbucks?
Caused a small,
but contained fire.
(LAUGHTER)
405 Freeway.
My car was towed
while I was still in it,
and I didn't have pants on.
(LAUGHTER)
Malibu Beach?
Threw up on a French bulldog
and his owner.
Um, I still get
the occasional text from him.
The dog, not the owner.
(LAUGHTER)
My name's Piper.
When I grow up,
I would like to be
a boozed-up writer like my dad
or Elizabeth Bishop,
just without the unrequited love
and torture part.
- Amen.
- Whoo-hoo.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
(BAND PLAYING)
You must be blowin' smoke
(NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE)
You must be blowin' smoke
High on your supply
Believe in love
Holes in
Sugar, sugar coating
You must be blowin' smoke
Hopeless
Got to get going now
You must be blowin' smoke
(GRUNTS)
Holes in
Sugar coatin'
Ooh hoo
I know you
must be blowin' smoke
You must be blowin' smoke
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
Throw a kick-ass
senior year party.
Well, that's your department,
Piper.
What?
Isn't that what you,
Leah, and Krissy
do for a living,
professional partiers?
That's not all we do together.
Okay, sure. Maybe it is,
but the idea is you party with
people you wanna hang out with,
you know, not like...
Okay, like it's so great
for my image?
I have to tell people
that I'm doing research
on women who have been having
meaningless sex for years
and how that affects
their brain.
Well, maybe
if you actually had sex,
you wouldn't be
such a psycho with PMS.
Okay, so how are we
actually gonna do this,
'cause I can't have
the party at my place,
so obviously it has to be
at Isabella's.
What? That's impossible.
My parents
are doing renovations.
Really?
So it's at Sophie's.
What? No. Mm-mm. No way.
Don't your parents
go away, like, every weekend?
Yes, but that's
besides the point.
No, I mean, Sophie,
it's perfect.
I mean, your house is huge.
You've got a pool
and the fire pit in the back.
It's like
a perfect make-out spot.
- No, we can't...
- No, no, thanks, Sophie.
I'll help clean up.
Uh, will you arrange the drinks?
- I already did the invite.
- What?
Later.
- (LAUGHS)
- Piper!
(SIGHS)
Okay, bacon
banana cream pie pancakes.
Yum. Coming up. I'm almost done.
You okay?
Why didn't you go
to Honor's funeral?
I was waiting for you.
You didn't have to go.
Yes, I... I wanted to go.
I mean, Honor's your friend.
Was.
Is everything okay over here?
You all right?
Yeah. Um, it's good.
Everything's good.
Oh, did I tell you,
uh, Dad's dating again?
No.
Yeah, he met
some... some great woman.
She's a lawyer,
urban renewal,
works pro bono.
She's a redhead,
and she drives a Porsche.
Wow, really? That's...
Okay. Good.
Yeah, he's really happy.
Okay, I think I found the only
clean plate in the entire house.
Thanks, Mom.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(SIGHS)
Really good. (LAUGHS)
Okay, good. Good.
Hey, I'm moving in with Colin.
BMyBae2night? That guy?
That was a joke.
That was a joke.
His friends h-helped him
set up the profile.
I told you that. It doesn't...
Actually, I would just like it
if you would call him Colin,
all right?
You getting married?
I don't... Maybe, I guess.
Possibly.
Yeah, we are.
Piper, we've got to move on.
Right? I mean,
your dad's moving on.
He's dating.
And are you dealing
with all of this...
or are you just...
are you just keeping it inside
the whole time,
or what are you doing?
Actually, you know,
your dad was telling me
you've been hanging out
with Isabella.
I know you two
have been through a lot, and...
but she's always
been a really good...
Dad's not dating!
He sleeps on the sofa
and looks like the Dude
from "The Big Lebowski,"
so everything is not okay.
Oh.
Sorry.
Piper. Uh...
Oh.
(SCOFFS)
A Porsche and a redhead?
Oh, that's, yeah, a dream.
Dream.
(SIGHS)
(CHUCKLES)
around his terrible
brown recliner.
Now look at it.
Heh.
It's what you wanted,
wasn't it?
Yes...
but it still hurts.
Just promise me
you won't leave me, too.
(PHONE LINE RINGS)
You've reached Dillon.
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"The Honor List" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 1 Sep. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/the_honor_list_20450>.
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