The Horizontal Lieutenant Page #3

trying to do?

Nothing. It was just

these sleeves.

Oh, Blue, please don't go.

Really, I've got to.

[Sighs]

I wish I never

bought this thing.

Oh, don't be silly.

It's beautiful.

By the way, where

can I get one?

Yoshida's on second street.

Why?

Oh, it would make

a perfect gift for...

Somebody I know.

Yeah, somebody:
Marv,

Harry, Charlie, Frank...

you ought to get

a price by the gross.

Now, what's eating you,

just because I know

a few men here?

A few? If your dates

signed a separate peace,

we'd lose the war.

So I date a lot. I admit it.

I'm shopping around.

I'm 22, Merle. By the end

of this war, I may be 30.

That's why I say, "gather

ye rosebuds while ye may."

Oh, I wish I had a dollar

for every time that's been suggested.

You could at least be

a little more original.

Ok. Ok.

You know, this

is a fine conversation

for my last night in Hawaii.

Oh, Merle,

I'm gonna miss you, honestly.

I'm going to think

about you, too, out there.

Would you like to kiss

me good-bye?

You will be careful...

Out there?

Promise me you'll be careful.

They say one inch

deeper in a foxhole

makes all the difference.

Blue...

When I come back, that is,

of course, I come back...

Oh, don't say that.

Don't ever say that.

Merle,

where are they sending you?

Rotohan.

Rotohan?!

Yeah.

I guess I shouldn't have

told you that, huh?

You bet you shouldn't.

So that's the hot spot...

Rotohan!

What's the matter?

It's an island in the Roserios.

I don't need

any geography lesson.

I know perfectly well

where Rotohan is,

and I also know

there hasn't been

a cap pistol fired

there in 7 months!

Wait, now, just a second.

What are you gonna

do out there,

relieve a soldier

for combat duty?

Listen, will you?

"In foxholes, one inch

deeper," "if I come back."

All I said was...

yeah, and I almost

fell for it.

It's possible I might not

come back, isn't it?

Maybe I'll get transferred.

Hooray! And the further

away, the better!

Blue, wait!

Come on, Tada, let's go.

Hey, Blue, what do

I do with your tie?

Hang yourself!

They, uh,

tell me you're

for Rotohan, lieutenant.

That's right, sir.

So am I. I've been stationed

out there for 6 months.

[Coughs]

Jeremiah Hammerslag,

Commander, United States Navy.

Merle Wye, intelligence.

Intelligence.

[Chuckles lightly]

Your, uh, trip out there

wouldn't have

anything to do

with Kobayashi, would it?

Yes, sir, it would.

Mm-hmm. I figured as much.

He's been my problem,

too, these days.

He's been looting Navy

stores, you understand?

I was figuring

that maybe we could, uh,

pool our ships together

and sort of sink this guy.

Thank you, sir.

Appreciate your help.

Your boss must be

very important man.

Hmm, yes and no.

Plenty Navy brass

on Rotohan, huh?

Oh, no. Just him... been there

since the invasion.

Navy gave him the job

as a reward.

Reward? What for?

Fired on one of his own ships.

You know, uh, personally,

I think this Kobayashi

must be

some high-mucky-muck...

colonel at least,

maybe even a general.

Really, sir? How come?

Well, it stands to reason.

I mean, the stuff

that he steals...

now, where would an ordinary

Japanese soldier

develop a taste for,

um, smoked oysters

or Italian salami

or anchovies packed

in olive oil

or fruitcake or a tin

of goose liver.

You know what he stole

last week?

A whole case of bottled

gefilte fish.

[Chuckles]

No sea legs, this

young fellow.

[Bumping]

Wye, isn't it? My

name is Billy Monk.

Hi.

Welcome to never-never land.

Thank you.

Man, am I ever

glad to see you.

Take care

of his stuff, Yomura.

Hey, you're gonna love here,

boy. It's a garden spot.

It's a real slice of life.

Well, it's all yours,

lieutenant. Let's travel.

Sorry, I don't drive.

You're kidding.

Everybody drives.

Well, not me. I never learned.

Ho ho! Well, you're gonna

learn and right now. Hop in.

Well, I'd rather not.

Now, look, I can't take

a chance like this.

They're liable to find out you can't

drive and cancel your orders.

That means I'll be stuck on this

lousy rock another 6 weeks.

Come on. Hop in. Let's go.

Ok. Ok. You're bucking

for a head wound.

Don't be silly.

It's a piece of cake.

Now, all you do is put your left

foot on the clutch. Here.

Now shift, you give

it a little gas,

and you release.

It's a piece of cake.

[Engine revs]

Here's where we are now, see,

and here's the harbor,

there's the command

headquarters,

here's the new hospital,

and here's the civilian

detention camp.

Well, that's the whole island.

It's not much,

but you'll learn to hate it.

Now, these cliffs

are full of caves,

where the Japanese

prisoners are holed up,

including your friend

Kobayashi.

Has anyone ever seen

this oriental raffles?

Nor hide nor hair.

He's as slippery as an eel

in a pail of lard.

Doesn't seem to bother

you very much.

Heh! Why should it?

He's your problem now.

Yes, sir, I'm washed

up with never-never land.

As soon as I finish briefing

you on your duties,

which should take

about 3 1/2 minutes,

I'll be winging

my way to Honolulu

and into the arms

of some comfortable girl.

I may stay in that position

for several months.

Well, don't count on it.

That ball club plays

6 games a week,

not counting exhibitions.

So I've heard. But

a guy at my age

could always wrench

his back in the first game,

which I fully intend doing.

Anyhow, I'll be

out of never-never land.

You keep calling it never-never

land. I don't get it.

On this rock, kid, there

are 4,000 American men

and 18 American

women, heh heh...

never-never land.

Can you think

of a better name?

Not offhand, no.

Females americanus...

oh, that's what I hanker for.

Hey, tell me, man, what's females

americanus really look like these days?

About the same.

Boy, that's good enough.

Hey, watch it!

Hey, keep to the right,

will you?

[Honks horn]

Uh... Permit me

to introduce myself.

I'm Colonel Charles Korotny,

your commanding officer.

This is Lieutenant Wye,

sir, my replacement.

I'm delighted.

That's all we need

around here is a drunk!

He isn't drunk, sir. He just

doesn't drive very well.

Then why

was he behind the wheel?

You have an army

driver's license?

Sir?

Monk, I hold you

personally responsible

for this damage

to military property.

Yes, sir. I assume

full responsibility.

That makes it easier, because you're

gonna pay for every nickel's worth.

Yes, sir. I'll send you

the money from Hawaii.

You wouldn't send me

a pineapple from Hawaii!

You're gonna stay right

here till you work it out.

Sir, I may not live that long.

Well, let's hope you do.

So...

You are the big brain they sent

me from intelligence?

The master sleuth who's gonna

capture Kobayashi.

I'm gonna try my best, sir.

Oh, you can do better

than that, lieutenant.

You're gonna have to.

Let me explain why.

There is nothing

for the army to do

in this stinking

tropical paradise,

and as a result, the attention

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