The Horizontal Lieutenant Page #4

of the high command

has become unduly focused

on Kobayashi's capture.

Now, they've been on my back

for some time,

and you, lieutenant, you...

Are gonna get them off.

Hmm, good boy.

Now, if you don't succeed,

I can't very well punish you.

Oh, no! Of course not.

But if you fail,

I give you my solemn word that you

will remain in this rat-infested trap

until you have a beard

down to here,

pure white.

You read me good?

I read you good, sir.

Now, both you gentleman have my permission

to get the hell out of here.

Kobayashi, you are surrounded.

Surrender!

Try it.

Kobayashi...

[Speaking Japanese]

[Echo]

Somebody say something.

Try it again.

[Speaking Japanese]

[Echo]

Who is it?

My echo. It's talking

back to me.

Come on.

Tada, take 5 minutes,

scout the road.

The rest of you, fan

out on either side.

Keep that horn going.

Kobayashi...

How many Japanese would you say

there were on this island?

Well, not counting the civilians

down on camp, I can tell you exactly.

We haven't the slightest idea.

You know what I'm

beginning to think?

Huh?

There aren't any Japanese

holdouts at all.

There's no such

person as Kobayashi.

He's a myth,

and he doesn't exist.

Sure, sure. What

about all that military equipment

that keeps disappearing,

like pickled olives

and fruitcake and gefilte fish?

Now, how do you

account for that?

Mice.

Now you've hit it. Let's go

tell Colonel Korotny.

He'll jump for joy.

Tada:
Kobayashi!

Come out, come

out wherever you are

Ah, well, we're

wasting our time.

I still say there's no

such person.

[Typewriter keys clicking]

Did you write these

letters, Tada?

I can't even read them. How

am I supposed to censor them?

You don't have to censor me.

I'm a good U.S. citizen.

I realize that, but I'm supposed

to know what goes in your mail.

What are you doing there?

I'm teaching the chicken

to typewrite.

See? He's getting very good.

Yeah. When he has

his second lesson,

get him to write

your letters for you.

I might understand

them better.

[Telephone rings]

Intelligence here.

Oh, good morning, commander.

Hammerslag.

[Mouthing words]

No, he isn't here

right now, sir.

He's up in the hills

hunting Kobayashi.

Well, that's what I was calling

you about.

You know what he stole

last night?

12 cans of talcum powder,

40 pounds of dried milk,

one case of Pepsi,

one gross of safety pins,

3 cases of canned corn.

Now, what do you make of that?

I don't know, sir.

Maybe he's opening

up his own supermarket.

Ohh!

[Telephone squeals]

Ah, they're

like a crossword puzzle.

Here, read them to me.

Sure.

Excuse me, Joe. I'm busy now.

[Hen screeching, clucking]

[Typewriter keys clicking]

First letter is to Rose Rico.

That's my girl in Honolulu.

"Dear Rose.

Well, your letter finally

reach me, though."

What was that?

"Your letter finally

reach me, though."

Something wrong?

No, no, no, no. Go ahead.

"Well, here

we are in the Pacific Ocean,

"and, boy, is it hot, though.

And something hot make me

think of you. (Ha ha!)"

The "ha ha!"...

That's in parenthesis.

Yeah. Keep going.

"Hey, Rose, you

are ok, though.

"Say, remember the night of may 12,

13, 14, and 15? Especially 15...

"the time we leave the dance

and go to the pineapple field.

"That was all right,

though, hey? Good-bye.

Your friend, Roy Tada."

Letter ok, lieutenant?

Ah, sheer poetry.

That's great.

Let's hear another one.

"Dear Judy."

That's my other girl.

"Well, your letter finally

reach me, though.

"Well, here

we are in the Pacific Ocean,

"and, boy, is it hot, though.

And something hot make me

think of you. (Ha ha!)"

Uh, that's the same letter.

No, no.

This one is to Judy.

Oh, you wrote the same letter

to Judy that you wrote to Rose.

That's right. Only I don't

mention the pineapple field.

What do you mention?

On the stairs

behind the kitchen.

Yeah. Next letter.

"Dear Dorothy.

"Well, your letter finally

reach me, though.

Well, here we are in the Pacific

Ocean..."

yeah, I get the idea.

How many girls you got, Tada?

Right now, only 12.

[Telephone rings]

Intelligence here.

[Man on telephone]

Let me speak to Wye.

Oh, yes, sir. One moment, sir.

Korotny.

Wye here, sir.

What are you doing

about Kobayashi?

Well, sir, I...

just to bring you

up to date, lieutenant,

he paid me a visit last night.

Last night, sir?

I am now missing 6

pairs of shorts,

4 bottles of hydrogen peroxide,

and all of my razor blades.

What would he want

with peroxide, sir?

He probably cut

himself shaving,

which is more than I could

say for myself!

Now get the lead

out, lieutenant!

Wye:
Tell them that any civilian prisoner

who gives us information on Kobayashi

will receive special

privileges.

[Speaking Japanese]

Tell them they won't have

to work in the fields.

[Speaking Japanese]

Tell them... They can come

to the camp movies on Friday.

[Speaking Japanese]

All right, knock it off.

[Speaking Japanese]

That's the last

batch, lieutenant.

Been that way all along.

You know, the only thing we know

about Kobayashi is his name,

and that he travel

around with a girl Michido.

A girl?

You mean the holdouts

have girls in the hills?

Kobayashi have.

[Speaking Japanese]

What was that all about?

Not much.

Uh, she say, uh, you

never capture Kobayashi.

Ah, she said more than that.

Yes, but no translation.

Come on, come on, let me

have it. What did she say?

She say, "the Lieutenant

is the rear end of a horse."

She may know something.

Sure, they all know

something, but...

but they don't talk.

With themselves,

maybe, but not to us.

Yeah. Hey!

You know what we need

in this camp?

A spy.

Oh, you'll never get

one of them to be a spy.

Uh-uh. I'm not thinking

about one of them.

I'm thinking about one of us.

Wye:
Now, let's go

over this again, Tada.

You're supposed to be

a Japanese soldier

who's been holed up in the mountains

for 9 months, right?

Good.

You fooled the Americans

into thinking you're a civilian,

and we dumped you

in Camp Rotohan.

Now, right away they're going

to start asking questions.

What's your name, where do you come from,

and so forth. Now, what do you say?

I don't want to do it.

We're not giving you a choice,

Tada. You've got to do it.

Believe me, lieutenant,

I make a lousy spy.

You make a wonderful spy!

You keep out of this!

Sit down!

You such a big shot?

You be the spy!

They know my face in that camp.

You Buddha-head!

Who's a Buddha-head?!

Oh, quiet. Quiet.

I got a bad feeling

about this.

Look, you know Tada's reputation

with the women.

You going to send him

down there with all that

Japanese quail running

around loose?

Well, he's the only man

they've never seen before.

Ok, but it will be like enrolling

Casanova in a girls finishing school.

All right, let's start again.

First question,

what's your name?

Roy Aloysius Tada.

No, no, no. Not your real

name, your spy name.

Oh, that one. Taiji Yamakawa.

What a lousy name.

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